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Monday and the Right to Feel this Way

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:23 PM
  • 8 Replies

I beleive we all hate Mondays....Even the ones that claim it doesn't get to them...It does. Here's why this Monday (today) is really getting on my nerves.

It was a lovely weekend. My husband had half the day Saturday and all day Sunday off. This has been a rarity for months. We've gotten into this routine of him working 14,15,16 straight days. And although we're grateful for the extra income considering I lost my job back in November. The absence of him torture for me.

So we spent the weekend with our son doing fun family things. I loved holding his hand sneaking kisses on empty aisles at Lowe's. Ya know the good stuff. My miscarriage far from my mind as I hugged and played with our son. I even made Jello stars on Saturday and cupcakes yesterday. Wow.

Day 16... Monday...Rain...Cold...Alone...Husbands back at work, stepson at school to return to his mother today...Just me...and my thoughts. I know what this is..this feeling... depression and Im not keeping it... I want to feel better consistently. It's this empty nest feeling, the absence of what should be that isn't, that is driving me up he wall. The house is a bit of a tornado aftermath due to the weekend of family time. I'm looking forward to cleaning...Movement. I went and ran errands this morning. Dreading to return home to an empty house with no video games, or basketball blarring on the TV. I do not watch TV when my guys aren't here. I'd get lost in the Lifetime,Oxygen, Soap Net vortex and never be heard from again. I like the silence....but at the same time its just another reminder. Music is good for me. I don't know I may seem to be rambling. This more of a journal entry. But, I think I'm really just seeking support. I don't have a baby in my belly...I don't have a house full of chatter. I just have me. And I don't trust me right now. I'm getting stronger and better. But for now...I'm counting the hours..minutes ... seconds... until I see my husband. I don't really want to call a friend or family member. I just want to be heard. Not aww'd and consoled. Is anger a step in grieving? Because, I get so irritated by people talking to me about how its going to be alright. Yeah will be alright.... with a big huge BUT tacked on the end of it. I will go on. My shoulda been baby won't. I'll get the house clean, the dinner made. Love my husband and my stepson. But MY baby will never feel mommys love. At least not here on Earth. It's unfair, when people are just wanting to be there for me. And I'm totally unresponsive to them.  I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel better and be strong, funny, happy go lucky ME again. Will I ever be me again??? or am I destined for a week of Mondays for the rest of my life. Even now I'm proofing this post. And am so damn mad at myself for down playing such a beautiful weekend into 4 or 5 sentences. Yet, I've rambled a full page about sadness. This has got to be a part of grief. I want to be over this already. Acceptance is the final stage of grief. Perhaps, I'm almost there. I've accepted that this has happened again, and I can not change it. I've done the very best I could to be open with my husband and not push my stepson away. Its the me inside of me....that is a trainwreck. I want to be the happy why not just do it. Right?

Tomorrows a new day....a second chance. Good bye Monday.banging head into wall

by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:23 PM
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Replies (1-8):
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:26 PM


by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:30 PM

Back at ya darling.

by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:37 PM

I am sorry you are having a hard time, we all know what you are talking about and I am glad you found this place to share these feelings. Anger/bitterness is definitely a part of grieving.  I still almost 4 months later find myself running through the grieving process almost like it's on a loop.  I accept and the next day or week I start all over again.  Yesterday I cried today I yelled.  It's a viscious cycle and I hope you can find your way out soon and find yourself again.  I still feel like I on my very best day I am not me anymore.  I am stronger for sure, but jaded as well.  I have numbed myself to so many things in order to protect my heart.  I hope this doesn't happen to you.  Feel better.  hugs

by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 2:08 PM
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by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 4:02 PM


by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 7:17 PM


by Amy on Mar. 28, 2011 at 7:53 PM


by on Mar. 29, 2011 at 2:46 AM


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