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Off my chest

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2011 at 12:06 AM
  • 4 Replies

As I look at the upcoming Easter weekend Im set back with mixed emotions. Im looking forward to waking Sunday morning and watching my little ones search for their brightly colored candy filled Easter baskets. To see their smiling faces as they discover what Mr. Easter Bunny brought for them. But, for me, part of me feels empty tonight. I was looking forward to gathering with family for Easter brunch and to talk about life and the growing baby in my womb before the tragedy of the MC. Instead its another holiday where people will come up with hugs and tell us how sorry they are to hear about our loss and pain. Tonight I feel overwhelmed with just the thought of having to go in public and be with relatives we havent seen in months. Ive been grieving well since my hormones have pretty much evened out. I admit its hard to be around pregnant woman or see babies yet, but if I come across that situation I generally look in another direction. I take my children out and spend as much quality time as I can with them, I dont want my sorrow to effect their lives. I dont want my pain to come across as they arent as precious as the little one we lost. I feel like tonight is a set back from all the progress I feel Ive been making in my recovery. I want to just cry but the tears arent coming. My mind feels angry but my heart feels sad, and over all I feel confused. If I hadnt had a MC in November of 2010 Id be sporting a big happy baby belly and if I hadnt MC in March 2011 Id be sporting a happy baby bump. Instead Im sporting the feeling of being gutted out with an outside exterior of just plain old non pregnant me. Im being reminded of what cant be right now and its just hard to look at. Im thinking of my positives but they always cant overcome that tingly achy sadness that hits you like a ton of bricks. Holidays are hard to deal with after a loss. Im greatful for my tatter tots I do have but right now it just feels as though our family isnt quite complete yet and maybe thats my biggest problem. Im hoping though to eventually add one more tatter tot to the family dynamics and complete my family on a happy note and not a sad memory.

by on Apr. 23, 2011 at 12:06 AM
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Replies (1-4):
GoldenLinds
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2011 at 12:54 AM

 I'm sorry you are feeling so apprehensive and disheartened at gathering with family. I can totally understand. I had so many family gatherings in teh first 2 weeks after my miscarriage I wanted to disappear, the idea of facing them all and putting on a brave face was just too much. I can only hope that when the time comes you will feel yourself boosted up by the mometn and enjoy yourself (even if you do go home and cry). Hugs!

Rachelle11503
by on Apr. 23, 2011 at 1:28 AM

So sorry you are hurting. I totally know what you mean, holidays are hard after a loss. I didn't even think about them being hard until they came and then they'd hit me like a brick. I miscarried in July and October of last year so I'd either have a new baby or be super big and prengant. I had thought that it'd be possible I'd have an Easter baby (2nd Loss due date was May 6th).
Its hard, but you know we are all here for you anytime you need us. Even though it may be a little rough I hope you have a great Easter with your little ones. HUGS

rawrbaby
by on Apr. 23, 2011 at 2:22 AM

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

echupko
by on Apr. 23, 2011 at 7:50 AM

 Im so sorry, hugs and prayers

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