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You might think I'm horrible..

Posted by on May. 21, 2011 at 3:03 PM
  • 14 Replies

Last night I think I cried for the first time since my second loss.  I've teared up when I realized that I wasn't pregnant anymore but that's about it.  I was on here and I read a post by someone who is 6 weeks along and she said she tells her little bean to grow strong for mommy every day.  It made me flash back and I remembered that I had begged my little one to grow strong for me.  I had completely blocked that out.  I am completely ashamed to admit this but I had started to block out the fact that my second loss was truly a loss.  I seem to have involuntarily made myself think that my second mc wasn't a real life. 

When I realized this I kept wondering why I couldn't feel as attached to my second as I did my first.  I came to the realization that I "birthed" my first loss.  I got to hold that little tiny baby in my hands, and tell her that I was so sorry.  This time I didn't get to see my baby, just blood and tissue, and I don't know how to handle that.  I think because I didn't get to hold this one I simply can't comprehend what I lost.  Last night I realized I made myself forget how much I truly cared and hoped for my new little one.  Don't get me wrong I've been hurting and depressed and grieving in a way but I don't seem capable of making my angels life more real, of solidifying things. 

Has anybody else felt this way or gone through this?  I'm absolutely disgusted with myself and I don't know how I can force myself to face reality because my mind keeps wanting to play make believe and pretended that I didn't lose a life.  I guess maybe I've made it somewhere in realizing what I've been forgetting?

by on May. 21, 2011 at 3:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
dream-catcher
by on May. 21, 2011 at 3:27 PM

You aren't horrible, hun... I had/am having the same problem this time around. <3

cali_angel_girl
by Amy on May. 21, 2011 at 5:46 PM

((hugs)) that doesn't make you a horrible person hun because we alll deal with a loss differently.

GoldenLinds
by Silver Member on May. 21, 2011 at 5:51 PM

 I was 16 weeks when i lost mine and I never saw a baby during my loss. She had been gone for so long that it wa just a mess of tissue. It definitely made it harder to process for me, first I had to really make mysel fbelieve that I Had Been Pregnant. It was so tempting to say, oh i was just wrong about everything but that denial was only going ot hurt more. Then i had to realize that the pregnancy i had was gone. It was a lot to process and I have to think that having been through it before it makes it that much harder to process the second time around. Hugs.

echupko
by on May. 21, 2011 at 6:25 PM

 

Quoting cali_angel_girl:

((hugs)) that doesn't make you a horrible person hun because we alll deal with a loss differently.

 I agree. I dealt with both of my losses so so different


Mommy to three beautilful children and another on the way! Parker (06/29/05), Paxton (03/01/09),  Payton who was born with her angel wings (05/28/10), and Payne due June 20, 2011.

Rachelle11503
by on May. 21, 2011 at 6:51 PM

You are not horrible at all!! The mind does all sorts of things to cope with a loss. Sometimes you are just not ready. There's definitley no timeline, you just have to do things your way. We are all here for you, don't let yourself feel guilty. HUGS

desperatelyTTC
by on May. 21, 2011 at 10:18 PM
Agreed. I was very similar to this with my second loss. (((Big hugs)))

Quoting cali_angel_girl:

((hugs)) that doesn't make you a horrible person hun because we alll deal with a loss differently.

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MrsDacke11
by on May. 22, 2011 at 12:49 AM
I know exactly what you are going through because I'm right there with you. I don't really know what to say but there will come a point when you can't block the pain anymore. I've had my moments but am still waiting for the moment I truly breakdown and understand everything I went through. You're not a bad person because of this, just someone dealing with a horrible experience trying to make it through the day. ((Hugs))
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rawrbaby
by on May. 22, 2011 at 12:57 AM

That is exactly what I keep believing. I can honestly almost convince myself that I hadn't been pregnant.  I'm scared that I will never be able to really acknowledge it or that my mind will keep coping in this weird way and it's just going to hurt more.  Thank you so much your words have been so comforting.

Quoting GoldenLinds:

 I was 16 weeks when i lost mine and I never saw a baby during my loss. She had been gone for so long that it wa just a mess of tissue. It definitely made it harder to process for me, first I had to really make mysel fbelieve that I Had Been Pregnant. It was so tempting to say, oh i was just wrong about everything but that denial was only going ot hurt more. Then i had to realize that the pregnancy i had was gone. It was a lot to process and I have to think that having been through it before it makes it that much harder to process the second time around. Hugs.


rawrbaby
by on May. 22, 2011 at 1:05 AM

Dream-catcher & MrsDacke11

I wish you weren't feeling this right along with me, but I am glad to know that I am alone.  It makes me feel like I'm a little more sane.  Thank you for the comfort.  HUGS to the both of you. <3 


onemuddinMater
by on May. 22, 2011 at 1:14 AM

I dont think your horrible, Im sorry that you had to go threw it again (((HUGS)))

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