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Okay very sensitive, very discriptive. (please read only if you can comment positively) A little *update* @ the bottom in blue

Posted by on May. 21, 2011 at 7:00 PM
  • 31 Replies

Okay, this is a hard post for me, because I guess I feel some might get kinda grossed out. But Its also very sensitive issue for me.  So plz don't post anything harsh, I already feel a little psycho as it is.

Im just having a really hard time. I really feel a bit obsessed and crazy.  Last night I placed my little one in the little jar I bought, with a clipping of my hair, and a few other special items. and buried it in the large planter I bought.

I was only 10wks, and my baby, sac and all was really no bigger than a large grape, but very visible like a little salamander in his little bubble, and much more baby looking and developed than I had expected.  I wrapped LO a small square of flannel by my bed, in the morning he  was pretty dried out, but still very obvious (to me).  So I placed him in a cotton square, and wrapped him up again.more like swaddled.

I've spent almost 2 weeks prepping and planning how to bury my LO. During this time, I kept him close to my bed, (remember completely dried out, please dont think gross, it really wasnt). The problem is I started to become obsessed with him. The first day I kept wanting to see and hold him. After that, I couldn't, so I quit unwrapping the flannel but instead I continually kept wandering in and picking his little bundle up to hold and cry. (Even my DH doesn't know all this, he thought I was keeping LO in the fridge like the rest of the tissue I was passing, (as the dr had recommended I do) and I did for part of the first day)

Yesterday, when everything was finally ready, and I had no excuses left, it was time to place my LO in a jar to bury. I panicked. I almost didnt do it. It was so hard.  I put him in the jar and took him out like a dozen times.

PLEASE!!! Has anyone else at all experienced anything like this? I feel like Im really crazy. But I already miss having him be where I can just peak in at his little bundle.


Really in most areas I am quite a normal potentially sane person, this is the first time I've felt this insanity.
I wouldn't have posted this except maybe someone else felt the same and might feel a tad more normal by reading this.  But also, maybe someone who felt this way, can tell me what they did to help alleviate the emptiness.

OK just a little update: 

Im doing much better, I did talk to a friend, she made me feel a bit better.  She Put a spin on the perspective, that I thought I might share.  She mentioned,  that had my little one had been born at a point that he could have been cremated, that no one would have seen it as odd if I would have kept the ashes in an urn on a shelf or something. 

Also, I looked out at my pretty planter and feel much better. I think I'll be okay, And I dont feel quite so crazy.  I think it was just changing pace, that left me feeling unstable for a bit...


by on May. 21, 2011 at 7:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
dream-catcher
by on May. 21, 2011 at 7:19 PM

I think it's only natural for it to be very hard on you to part with your little one. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I don't think there is any insanity to it. We all grieve and deal with loss differently. I completely understand where you're coming from. Having him so accessible makes it very hard to let go, and finally burying him is like the last straw because the goodbye is too much to bear. ~hugs tight~

I think if you're feeling that you're obsessing or going down a path you don't want to find yourself going down you should speak to your doctor, perhaps get a grief counselor. That, coming from me, is a last resort option--I despise talking to "shrinks" even though I know great breakthroughs can happen with the right person attending to your case. It just isn't for me, but maybe it is for you.

~
Never hold back that which is burning to be expressed, lest it burn into a rampant wildfire.

~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
~

Zayah5
by on May. 21, 2011 at 11:21 PM

Thanks Dream catcher. Yeah, Im not much for going to a shrink either. But I did talk to a friend, she made me feel a bit better.  Put it all into another perspective, She mentioned,  that had my little one had been born at a point that he could have been cremated, that no one would have seen it as odd if I would have kept the ashes in an urn on a shelf or something. 

Also, I looked out at my pretty planter and feel much better. I think I'll be okay, it was just changing pace.

lovingmom2jack
by on May. 22, 2011 at 1:24 AM

you shouldnt feel weird at all. i have my sons ashes in a necklace that i wear. if anything, thats more weird. we all grieve in different ways. i self mutilate i.e. piercings and tattoos. some poeple cry, some hurt others. we are all different.

i am very sorry you had to go through all of this. know that no matter what, we are here for you and we will not think your crazy. we know how you feel and only want to help you get to a healthy and happy place :)

((((HUGS))))

dream-catcher
by on May. 22, 2011 at 1:55 AM

I'm glad you're feeling better. <3

Always remember that we're here for you and we aren't going to judge how you feel OR how you view things--it doesn't matter how crazy you might think it seems or makes you out to be. We all get a little crazy with grief, and that is perfectly okay. Our view of you isn't going to change and we're still going to love you and give you the support you need. <3

I'm so glad your friend was there for you and gave you a different perspective--and I do agree with her. I think it's a beautiful idea what you've done with your little one and I hope, with time, each glance you take at his resting place will give you more closure and peace.

Thinking of you, sweetheart. ~hugs~ Brightest blessings.

crazy_young_mom
by on May. 22, 2011 at 2:02 AM
I mc 3 times and I kept each one in a tiny box. my hardest was the last one that u could see tiny hands and feet! I couldn't let him go! I cried and held on to him for ever it seemed! the bad thing is that was 3yrs ago and I still havnt buried them! they are all in a little chest that me and my df decorated and sealed. I just dnt know where to bury them where they will be safe and u can see them when I want! :*(
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rawrbaby
by on May. 22, 2011 at 2:10 AM

I COMPLETELY understand why you did that, and I can tell you that you are not insane or crazy.  It is a way of grieving.  I teared up when I read this and it brought me back to my first loss.  When I had my ultrasound I was told that I had already passed the baby and that I wouldn't have noticed anything but tissue.  So to my complete and utter horror I passed my little one three days after what felt like real labor to me.  I couldn't bare to leave my little one in the toilet or to flush it like I was told.  I calmly went into my bedroom and found my small wooden jewelry box and brought it into the bathroom.  I scooped my baby out and the moment I felt her in my hands I lost it.  I know I was screaming and crying.  That was the moment that I realized that it was a real body and that this was VERY real.  I must have scared the living hell out of my dh.  He kept telling me to flush "it" and I knew I would fight to the death if he tried to take my baby out of my hands and flush it.  I was on my knees sobbing and screaming, and I clutched my jewelry box to me.  My husband just held me in his arms.  The compromise was to put the jewelry box in the freezer until we could bury her.  We had to wait an entire day and I kept going back to the freezer and pulling her out to see her and touch her again.  To this day I hate that I put her in the freezer.  My heart wanted to do exactly what you did, and when I buried her at my parents house by my grandparents ashes I wasn't ready to let go.  I just kept telling her that I was so sorry, and that I loved her.

I never posted this in the group because I thought every one would think it was crazy and I couldn't bear the pain if people were grossed out with anything to do with my baby.  I couldn't even let dh see my baby because I was afraid he would look at our child and be horrified.  I regret that now.  I wish I would have so he could have also seen how real everything was.  I found somebody who had been through a similar experience and that saved me from the deep despair that I was feeling. 

I cannot express to you how truly sorry I am for your loss.  You are not alone.  I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.  If you ever need or want to talk feel free to message me. <3

dream-catcher
by on May. 22, 2011 at 2:23 AM

~hugs tight~ I'm so sorry, Tonya.

I'm also sorry that you felt you couldn't share something like this with the group. Alas, there are details I've left private too, so you aren't alone there, either. Some things are just too... personal, I guess, to openly share when it comes to our lost little ones. That underlying, whispering voice at the back of our head telling us we are alone and that no one has gone through what we have, or that people will judge us can be very hard to deal with, can be very stoppering. Thank you so much for sharing this--I think it has helped to make me feel sane again, too, about my first loss. We never are truly alone.

The feelings you conveyed here are so real to me. So familiar. I, too, didn't want Mark to see our baby--though they weren't formed and I didn't think he would have seen what I saw. It's something I also regret. <3

Quoting rawrbaby:

I COMPLETELY understand why you did that, and I can tell you that you are not insane or crazy.  It is a way of grieving.  I teared up when I read this and it brought me back to my first loss.  When I had my ultrasound I was told that I had already passed the baby and that I wouldn't have noticed anything but tissue.  So to my complete and utter horror I passed my little one three days after what felt like real labor to me.  I couldn't bare to leave my little one in the toilet or to flush it like I was told.  I calmly went into my bedroom and found my small wooden jewelry box and brought it into the bathroom.  I scooped my baby out and the moment I felt her in my hands I lost it.  I know I was screaming and crying.  That was the moment that I realized that it was a real body and that this was VERY real.  I must have scared the living hell out of my dh.  He kept telling me to flush "it" and I knew I would fight to the death if he tried to take my baby out of my hands and flush it.  I was on my knees sobbing and screaming, and I clutched my jewelry box to me.  My husband just held me in his arms.  The compromise was to put the jewelry box in the freezer until we could bury her.  We had to wait an entire day and I kept going back to the freezer and pulling her out to see her and touch her again.  To this day I hate that I put her in the freezer.  My heart wanted to do exactly what you did, and when I buried her at my parents house by my grandparents ashes I wasn't ready to let go.  I just kept telling her that I was so sorry, and that I loved her.

I never posted this in the group because I thought every one would think it was crazy and I couldn't bear the pain if people were grossed out with anything to do with my baby.  I couldn't even let dh see my baby because I was afraid he would look at our child and be horrified.  I regret that now.  I wish I would have so he could have also seen how real everything was.  I found somebody who had been through a similar experience and that saved me from the deep despair that I was feeling. 

I cannot express to you how truly sorry I am for your loss.  You are not alone.  I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.  If you ever need or want to talk feel free to message me. <3


~
Never hold back that which is burning to be expressed, lest it burn into a rampant wildfire.

~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
~

ms_jasmine
by on May. 22, 2011 at 2:38 AM
:'( I was screaming like I was dying and the baby&the sac were on the counter,I wanted to save him.df found me like that flipped out grabbed the sac(about the side of a penny)and chunked it down the drain,while I just screamed&damned god for taking my baby...the single worst moment in my life.df said THAT is not OUR BABY!and held me,wet&bloody,just held me as I screamed like an insane person.in that moment a piece of my died and went with my baby.I am still not the same.I screamed for hours till my throat was raw begging,bargaining&pleading for my baby back...I wish I had momentos like my bfp pee test&my sonogram pics&even my baby&his sac...but I'm left with all the little things I bought him that he never got to play with.we aren't here to judge you or call u crazy like some of the other forums.((hugs)) I'm so sorry for all your losses...
rawrbaby
by on May. 22, 2011 at 3:04 AM

I was new to the group and didn't know the extent of the kind souls here.  I was fairly new to CM and I saw how cruel some of the women were to each other and didn't want to have my heart ripped out more than it already was. Which I think Zayah5 was worried about the same thing.  I'm glad she opened up.  I'm glad I made you feel sane again.  I know how much better I feel when you all make me feel just a little more sane. <3

Quoting dream-catcher:

~hugs tight~ I'm so sorry, Tonya.

I'm also sorry that you felt you couldn't share something like this with the group. Alas, there are details I've left private too, so you aren't alone there, either. Some things are just too... personal, I guess, to openly share when it comes to our lost little ones. That underlying, whispering voice at the back of our head telling us we are alone and that no one has gone through what we have, or that people will judge us can be very hard to deal with, can be very stoppering. Thank you so much for sharing this--I think it has helped to make me feel sane again, too, about my first loss. We never are truly alone.

The feelings you conveyed here are so real to me. So familiar. I, too, didn't want Mark to see our baby--though they weren't formed and I didn't think he would have seen what I saw. It's something I also regret. <3

Quoting rawrbaby:

I COMPLETELY understand why you did that, and I can tell you that you are not insane or crazy.  It is a way of grieving.  I teared up when I read this and it brought me back to my first loss.  When I had my ultrasound I was told that I had already passed the baby and that I wouldn't have noticed anything but tissue.  So to my complete and utter horror I passed my little one three days after what felt like real labor to me.  I couldn't bare to leave my little one in the toilet or to flush it like I was told.  I calmly went into my bedroom and found my small wooden jewelry box and brought it into the bathroom.  I scooped my baby out and the moment I felt her in my hands I lost it.  I know I was screaming and crying.  That was the moment that I realized that it was a real body and that this was VERY real.  I must have scared the living hell out of my dh.  He kept telling me to flush "it" and I knew I would fight to the death if he tried to take my baby out of my hands and flush it.  I was on my knees sobbing and screaming, and I clutched my jewelry box to me.  My husband just held me in his arms.  The compromise was to put the jewelry box in the freezer until we could bury her.  We had to wait an entire day and I kept going back to the freezer and pulling her out to see her and touch her again.  To this day I hate that I put her in the freezer.  My heart wanted to do exactly what you did, and when I buried her at my parents house by my grandparents ashes I wasn't ready to let go.  I just kept telling her that I was so sorry, and that I loved her.

I never posted this in the group because I thought every one would think it was crazy and I couldn't bear the pain if people were grossed out with anything to do with my baby.  I couldn't even let dh see my baby because I was afraid he would look at our child and be horrified.  I regret that now.  I wish I would have so he could have also seen how real everything was.  I found somebody who had been through a similar experience and that saved me from the deep despair that I was feeling. 

I cannot express to you how truly sorry I am for your loss.  You are not alone.  I am glad to hear that you are doing much better.  If you ever need or want to talk feel free to message me. <3



echupko
by on May. 22, 2011 at 6:41 AM

 Im so glad you are feeling better.  And I think all of what you are feeling is completely normal.  You lost your baby and you are grieving

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