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"How To" for friends and family

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 12:45 PM
  • 9 Replies
People who have never dealt with miscarriage first hand are generally pretty clueless as to how to talk to those who have recently suffered through one. What are your tips for friends and family? What are the "dos and don'ts" of helping a loved one through this tough time?
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by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 12:45 PM
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Replies (1-9):
RLeigh35
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:22 PM

For me, the best thing was hearing 'I'm so sorry' and 'Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."  And having someone who'd just listen.  That's all I ever really needed.  

The no-no's for me were:  it's probably for the best, there was probably something wrong, don't worry you'll get pregnant again, it'll be okay, thank goodness it happened early on, it was god's plan, etc.  These things did not make me feel better...and I certainly didn't know if any of them were true.  People saying these things made me feel like I was getting the brush-off.   

busyizzybsmom
by Gold Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:23 PM

Dos: "I'm sorry", "Let me know what we can do for you", "We'll be praying for you", "You're not alone - I had one [2,3,4, etc] too", as well as bringing dinners, helping me to get out of the house to distract myself, and just being available to help in general.

Don'ts: specific personal questions unless I have offered to answer any questions you may have, go on and on about your/your best friend's/your sister's pregnancy or how they just found out they're expecting twins.

LoriAnn87
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:19 PM

For me my don't would be when are you going to trying again. When I was going thought my mc I don't know how many I overheard my mil saying this to my husband. That's is no one business and it's up to husband and wife to decide.

genabella
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 5:35 PM

I know that some people find comfort in hearing that what  has happened was "supposed" to happen or was all part of some plan but, for me, that was always difficult to hear. I don't want to believe that such a painful experience was "meant" to be or was intended to teach me a lesson.

I definitely think that just listening helps and taking the time to actually say "How do you feel?" and giving the person the opportunity to just speak and be heard. It's the most basic things that mean so much.


xoNIKKIox
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:14 PM

Sometimes, we just need company or someone to listen or a reassuring hug that absorbs some of the pain. If a woman who miscarries has a family, it might be nice to offer help--such as watching her other children or cooking (we all know how emotionally and physically taxing miscarriage can be).

It's important for people to realize that there is no time table or set process for grieving/healing. Don't rush a woman ("Get over it already!"; "You need to move on.") Keep in mind that women may have backslides and bad days, even when they have healed. And never think that a woman can/will get over her loss by having another (or that a woman shouldn't feel badly about a loss because she has other children already.) We wouldn't expect that of someone who has lost a PET ("Oh, Fido dies? Just go buy another dog and get over it."). Children are even more irreplaceable.

momsangels6
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:47 PM

I would like to just be hugged and wish my husband would just hold me for hours!  truely I didn't want much right after it happend, but wanted people to ask how I was doing afterwards.  Also sometimes I just want to talk about it, even months or a year after and sometimes feel like people look at me like why are you still talking about it.  The pain never stops and neither does the need for help thru it

Cheyenne0324
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:53 PM

 A giant don't for me-- convincing the poor woman that just lost her baby that she is nat a mother.
that happened to me and it was so hard.

I think the main this is to be open and willing to listen. If you can't think of anything to say just let the person know that you are there for them to avoid any touchy topics.

busyizzybsmom
by Gold Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:21 PM

That is awful! Yes, that is definitely a huge NO!

Quoting Cheyenne0324:

 A giant don't for me-- convincing the poor woman that just lost her baby that she is nat a mother.
that happened to me and it was so hard.

I think the main this is to be open and willing to listen. If you can't think of anything to say just let the person know that you are there for them to avoid any touchy topics.



lunabella79
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:36 PM

 I honestly think that the best is to treat a woman's miscarriage as a real loss/death. We want to talk about our baby, we need to grieve, and we don't want to hear that we'll have another baby or that it was for the best. I forget who said it in this group not too long ago. If it was a child that passed away would you ever say those things to the parents?

It's ok to just say, "I'm very sorry for your loss. There are no words that will make you feel better, but just know that I am hear for you."

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