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inconsiderate people (venting)

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:41 AM
  • 13 Replies
2 moms liked this

i understand there are a lot of people who cannot relate to loss. especially with miscarriages. but the ones who make it seem like "it's just a phase" are the ones who i hate talking to. i know there isn't anything that people can say to make you feel better. but there are things you shouldn't say.

my BFF explained to me her SIL just experienced a loss, but BFF's older sister could not understand why their SIL has been "out of it" and "it happened 2 months ago". as if she's supposed to move on already. i had to explain to my BFF why i feel the way i do, so she can get a better understanding of her SIL. i have a need to bear a child. and once that finally happened, once a human was growing inside of me, once that wish was finally answered, it was taken away from me. all the while, the world still moved on, but we can't. those types of feelings don't go away...not now, not next week, not 2 months...we've just lost someone who we never got to hold! do not assume we can move on from that thought. do not assume we'll "get over it". do not think we're trying to get attention.

anyways, *deep breath* that was my vent. 

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
twinsmummy20
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:00 PM

I feel the same way. I have this intense need/desire to carry a baby. I understand I have had 3 pregnancies that were full term, but since have had 8 that werent. That does something to your mind. I just want to be pregnant again, I want to deliver a baby (Ive had 3 sections, and would love a VBA3C seeing as it will be over 4 years by the time I have a baby), I want to make clothe diapers, I want to breastfeed. I just want to so bad I can taste it. And it doesnt go away. Seeing babies everywhere reminds us all the time. You cant get away from babies. And it gets hard. 

busyizzybsmom
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:14 PM

Yeah, I don't think people can ever relate unless they've actually been in our shoes. They can sympathetically imagine what it would be like and be very comforting, but still won't know what it's like. The idea that we will EVER "get over it" is just kind of silly to me and illustrates their blissful ignorance on the topic. :(

BlackCat7
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 6:36 PM

I feel the same exact way!

My grandmother (who is a Sociology professor and counsels people addicted to drugs) lost a child long ago at 5 months pregnant. She has a total of 6 live births. You would think consdering her degrees and knowledge and own experience that she wouldn't say the wrong things right?

She left me a message saying "this is for the best because i didn't feel a connection with the baby" and "This is a blessing because it is making way for a new baby". It is beyond me that someone could say something like that. I lost my child at 8 weeks and even though i didn't carry a long time i still felt a connection and was very happy about it. I also know there is nothing someone could say to help but there are things they should NEVER say.

I have not been able to talk to her or my best friend because they said horrible things and it just sucks that they don't see that. Everyday i wake up i think "I miss my baby" and the only one who is not insensitive about it is my husband as he is grieving too.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers




Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

clintonstreet
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 6:51 PM
1 mom liked this

It's tough enough to be going through this & to add insensitive people on top of it . . . it just doesn't seem fair!  Ugh.  Hopefully, you can feel a bit better knowing that everyone here understands & supports you.

timsgirl2011
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:11 PM

Im right there with you hun!!! We lost our baby and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy so we will never know :( People are like oh you can adopt or use a surrogate and I just want to smack the ***t out of them!!! Some people just are real idiots!!!

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
MommaNoonoo
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 7:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't want to get "over" this, I want to get THROUGH this.  I'm sorry everyone isn't supportive.

BeckyBun
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 8:15 PM
I want all that too! badly.

Quoting twinsmummy20:

I feel the same way. I have this intense need/desire to carry a baby. I understand I have had 3 pregnancies that were full term, but since have had 8 that werent. That does something to your mind. I just want to be pregnant again, I want to deliver a baby (Ive had 3 sections, and would love a VBA3C seeing as it will be over 4 years by the time I have a baby), I want to make clothe diapers, I want to breastfeed. I just want to so bad I can taste it. And it doesnt go away. Seeing babies everywhere reminds us all the time. You cant get away from babies. And it gets hard. 

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BeckyBun
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 8:32 PM
Ouch!! That hurt me reading this. I'm so sorry, hun! but I know what you mean, ppl think bc I was only a few weeks, I wouldn't be affected. I started shutting down on those people. I don't blame you.

Quoting BlackCat7:

I feel the same exact way!

My grandmother (who is a Sociology professor and counsels people addicted to drugs) lost a child long ago at 5 months pregnant. She has a total of 6 live births. You would think consdering her degrees and knowledge and own experience that she wouldn't say the wrong things right?

She left me a message saying "this is for the best because i didn't feel a connection with the baby" and "This is a blessing because it is making way for a new baby". It is beyond me that someone could say something like that. I lost my child at 8 weeks and even though i didn't carry a long time i still felt a connection and was very happy about it. I also know there is nothing someone could say to help but there are things they should NEVER say.

I have not been able to talk to her or my best friend because they said horrible things and it just sucks that they don't see that. Everyday i wake up i think "I miss my baby" and the only one who is not insensitive about it is my husband as he is grieving too.

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BeckyBun
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 8:48 PM
I'm sorry, love! ((hugs))
I understand what you're saying. they just don't get it! it's not like we don't know there are other options.


Quoting timsgirl2011:

Im right there with you hun!!! We lost our baby and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy so we will never know :( People are like oh you can adopt or use a surrogate and I just want to smack the ***t out of them!!! Some people just are real idiots!!!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BlackCat7
by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:59 PM

Exactly!!! "You were only 8 weeks along right? So why should it matter?" I can't believe people think that.

Quoting BeckyBun:

Ouch!! That hurt me reading this. I'm so sorry, hun! but I know what you mean, ppl think bc I was only a few weeks, I wouldn't be affected. I started shutting down on those people. I don't blame you.

Quoting BlackCat7:

I feel the same exact way!

My grandmother (who is a Sociology professor and counsels people addicted to drugs) lost a child long ago at 5 months pregnant. She has a total of 6 live births. You would think consdering her degrees and knowledge and own experience that she wouldn't say the wrong things right?

She left me a message saying "this is for the best because i didn't feel a connection with the baby" and "This is a blessing because it is making way for a new baby". It is beyond me that someone could say something like that. I lost my child at 8 weeks and even though i didn't carry a long time i still felt a connection and was very happy about it. I also know there is nothing someone could say to help but there are things they should NEVER say.

I have not been able to talk to her or my best friend because they said horrible things and it just sucks that they don't see that. Everyday i wake up i think "I miss my baby" and the only one who is not insensitive about it is my husband as he is grieving too.


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