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I don't think I'm acting right, but I don't know...

Posted by on May. 6, 2012 at 3:30 AM
  • 5 Replies

Okay, this is my entire story, I'm 20 years old and have been married for 2 years to a wonderful man. He and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. On March 20 of 2011, I got a positive test. I was elated! But, on March 23, 2011, I started the worst period of my life. I was laid in bed and knew exactly what was happening and all I could do was lie there, I didn;t even feel like I was alive, I felt nothing. I didn't even cry until four days later. My husband didn't know anything was amiss until 2 weeks later when I was finally able to tell him. He was very supportive, but I was still feeling disconnected from the whole deal. Well, fast forward to March of this year, I get another positive test. Again, I am so happy, fear of repeating last years incident didn't even cross my mind. I immediately being making changes, I start eating healthier and taking vitamins, and nothing goes wrong, everything is perfect until around April 15th, I had some spotting, nothing serious, it was immediately after sex, so I figured it was that. I wasn't cramping or uncomfortable, but I still took it easy for the day. I finally was able to schedule my Dr appointment for my eleventh week. This last Tuesday, I was on cloud 9 as I walked into that office. I had managed to escape what happened to me last year, everyone was so excited! We had everything done and then I went into the US room. Immediately the tech did not sound optimistic. She could barely find anything and what she could find was measuring half what it should have been. My uterus was measuring 7 and a half weeks while the fetal pole was barely 6 weeks. I was devastated, but I had resigned myself to having to get a D&C. I knew what it entailed to have an at home miscarriage and I couldn't bring myself to go through that again. So I went into the office with my husband and waited for the midwife to come and talk to me, I'm not sure why I was seeing a midwife my first visit, but I didn't ask any questions. Any how, I sit down and she starts in on how it doesn't look good, but there is still some hope. When she told me not to give up hope, I wanted to bash her face in, there was no hope for me at this point, I felt like everything I had ever loved had been ripped from me! She said they would do a quantitative HCG test and to come in on Thursday. I agreed and we left. I spent the next three days in Hell. Abject misery! I went back and got stuck a third time (They bottomed out a vein my first visit and had to stick me again and I have a phobia of needles). I left, still not knowing what to do, should I mourn or grieve or get angry? What should I be doing?!?! So I came back in on Friday for the results of my HCG test and another ultrasound. I went in already ready for the worst, I knew what to expect and I was resigned to my fate. I was in the DR office for 2 hours and saw the Dr a total of 15 minutes. He called me back and told me that my HCG was "Sufficiently elevated" and we should be seeing something. My heart skipped a beat, finally, a little glimmer of hope broke through my shell. I had to go back into the waiting room and wait for an US room to open up. Another hour of waiting and they bring me in, I am so excited, I even have a hint of a smile on my face! I get preped and lie down and she begins the ultrasound. The exact same thing as before. If anything, the fetal pole had gotten smaller. I felt like someone had stomped a boot heel into my heart and I listened to her talk and politely nodded and such, but I was already ready to schedule the D&C, I wanted to put this behind me, I wanted to be done, I wanted to get back to a normal life and pretend like this had never happened! I went into the Dr room and he had a laptop in front of him and he was typing on it (he never stopped the entire time I was in there!!!) He told me that the pregnancy wasn't viable, probably due to a chromosomal abnormality. He said to me that he could wait as long as I liked but I would start bleeding eventually and better to get it over with. I asked when I could have the D&C and scheduled it for yesterday morning (5-5-12). It was my 5th year anniversary of meeting my husband. I feel like I have failed him on so many levels, I don't  know if I can put this behind me like I want. Every time I look at my husband and see him staring off into space, my heart aches! I feel like I have failed him as a woman.

Sorry, I don't know what I am looking for, maybe similar stories, anything! I just feel really lost right now. 

by on May. 6, 2012 at 3:30 AM
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Replies (1-5):
by on May. 6, 2012 at 7:21 AM
Oh sweetie I am so sorry for your losses. Everything you are feeling is normal you are grieving the loss of two babies. It takes time. But don't give up lots of women have had multiple losses before having a healthy baby. My sister lost 3 from weeks 6-12 before having a full term baby. Hugs and prayers, we are here for you and we understand what you are going through
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by Bronze Member on May. 6, 2012 at 8:49 AM

I am so sorry for your losses.  I too have had 2 of my own.  The first was  oct 19 2011, was suppose ot be 9w4d went in for my first appointment and doctor couldnt see anything on her little ultrasound, so we waited for the real ultrasound, they got me in right away, there was nothing there, just an empty sac.  I had a d&c on oct 21st.  My second loss was Mar 29, 2012.  We had an ultrasound at 6w4 and saw our baby and heard the heartbeat, so I wasn't as nervous this time around.  Went in for our first appt at 9w5d and deja vu...dr. couldnt see what she wanted on her little ultrasound.  We went over right away to have a regular ultrasound and there was our precious heart beat.  His heart had stopped 2 days before.  I had a d&c the next day.

I too feel as though I have failed. My heart still aches.  I actually feel like the true reality just recently hit me.  I started therapy to help me through.  I have my second appt. tomorrow.

I hope you can find peace and support here in our group.

by Silver Member on May. 8, 2012 at 10:50 AM

I think it is very normal to feel like you have failed when you lose a baby (or in your case 2). When I lost my son in January I felt like I had competely failed my husband in giving him the son we had wanted so badly. It was very hard to finally come to terms with the fact that because my baby died does not make me a failure and my husband did not blame me for his death, there was nothing either of us could have done.

Hugs and prayers sweetie. We are here if you need to talk or vent or whatever. I just wish I was closer and you could cry on my shoulder.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on May. 8, 2012 at 11:39 AM
I am so sorry for your losses and I just want you to know a close friend of mine went through 4 miscarriages and now has a very healthy 4 yr old girl and a very healthy 2 year old boy. Two weeks ago I had my d&c and have finally stopped spontaneously crying during the day. Still cry but can control it for the most part. This is only my 1st. I also know 2 other girls who had 2 miscarriages and now have healthy babies. I still can't get over how common miscarriages are...doesn't seem fair.
by Ashley on May. 8, 2012 at 1:08 PM

I am so sorry for your losses and all you have been through. I agree that everything you are feeling is completely normal. You have experienced significant loss. I too lost my last two babies. It is devastating. Are they going to do any testing so that maybe you can get some answers? Take the time you need to grieve. You haven't done anything wrong nor have you failed your husband, although I understand feeling that way. Please continue to reach out as there are a lot of supportive women here that can help you through.

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