i am having a hard time balancing my emotions **pregnancy mentioned and long**
Here is my issue. My son died 16 weeks (didn't find out till 18 weeks) back in dec. it has been almost 5 months. And his due date is in less then a week. All 4 of the women that where due around the same time as ethan have had there babies and all are doing well. Which is just a reminder of the fact that I will never get that with ethan.
In a way it is a "blessing" (there isn't a good word) that ethan died. He had a chromosome defect (1 in a 1,000 chance and most those mc early) similar to turner syndrome but for a male. It would have caused him to have physical deformities so he would have been made fun of all his life. He would have had to have 4 open heart surgeries before he was 2. And a kidney transplant before he was 10. So he would have had a hard life. Only 1 out of 100 babis that have this make it out of utero alive.
Now I am pregnant again. I am 9 weeks like I said earlier. And I am excited and scared at the same time. The first ultrasound was on Wednesday. Everything looked good. Next one is on may 30th to see if there is a another defect. I will breathe easier when I can use my doppler and after we get past 16 weeks.
I realize that if ethan hadn't died that this baby would never be. I know that this baby will never replace ethan, no way it can. But at the sametime it is hard to not wonder what life would be like it ethan had lived.
I am trying to figure out how to balance missing ethan and being happy about this baby. How the heck to I do that? Any pointers?