Self Blame~ Does everyone do it?

[Angela4boys]

I've noticed a few posts where you ladies blame yourself for some reason or another.

I feel like I've blamed myself...and the matters were totally out of my control.  I feel like I am to blame because I got sick with Valley Fever.  I feel like I failed my baby, and he never had a chance.  Now there is no way I can control that I inhalled some airborne spore...but I still blame myself.  I went to 3 doctors, all telling me I had pneumonia and treated me for that...which of course I do, but it was all due to Valley Fever and the pneumonia won't clear without treating the underlying issue of the VF. 

So I was talking to my Mom, and apparently my husband also blames himself...he discussed it with her.  He feels he is to blame because he moved us here, to the desert, where valley fever is endemic.  He knows I didn't want to move here, so he blames himself.

Is the Blame a normal part of the grieving process? 

[lunarmamma]

I to blamed (and I guess still do at times) myself.....everyone says it's part of the process. I am sorry for your loss honey I hope you find some peace.

[newmom2be08]

Unfortunately, blame is part of the grieving process.  Thinking we did something wrong or we should have done this or that to sustain the pregnancy.  I blamed myself for a long time and then I realized it was not my fault it was also out of my control.  Hope you find peace about this soon!  HUGS!

[tinyfootprint]

I blamed myself...thinking I was working too much...so yes..its normal..

[Jodilegan]

 

Seven Stages of Grief

• A grieving person passes through seven stages (Recover-from-grief.com). They may occur in any order, and some stages may occur simultaneously. They are: 1) shock and denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss; 2) pain and guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic; 3) anger and bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain; 4) depression and loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss; 5) upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss; 6) reconstruction of life without the loved one; and 7) acceptance and hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved one with sadness, but without intense emotional pain.

Yes Sweetie, I'd say its normal, BUT you aren't to blame neither is your husband. We all grieve differently, some go thru all the grieving process some only a few. But I posted this so you can see that is can be part of the normanl process. Sorry for your loss.

[4theroses]

I know when i lost jessica and danny i did i felt that as there mother i should have been able to take care of them no matter what the problem was. I new better then to work as many hrs as i did but i was also looking at my S/O for he was working 2 jobs plus the military on top of it and i was trying to do my share. and i fill if i had only listened to what my OB said about taking it easy and not pushing myself then i would still be getting ready for my little ones. So the only one that there is to blame in this is myself. and if my roger don't forgive me i understand. i just hope he still wants to marry me. cause i fill like i failed him.

[Jodilegan]

 

Quoting 4theroses:

I know when i lost jessica and danny i did i felt that as there mother i should have been able to take care of them no matter what the problem was. I new better then to work as many hrs as i did but i was also looking at my S/O for he was working 2 jobs plus the military on top of it and i was trying to do my share. and i fill if i had only listened to what my OB said about taking it easy and not pushing myself then i would still be getting ready for my little ones. So the only one that there is to blame in this is myself. and if my roger don't forgive me i understand. i just hope he still wants to marry me. cause i fill like i failed him.

 You didnt fail anyone, you did what you thought was right. I wasnt working when I was pg with DD but then we moved into a bigger house which came with bigger bills. I went back to work as a CNA lots of lifting etc, I lost 2 babies this year. We have to stay strong mama and try not to play the blame game. I'm so sorry your feeling this way.

[mommyofnoah208]

Yes it is very normal part of grieving. Its so hard not to blame ourselves as their mother, their protector, but there was nothing you did wrong, you didnt fail anyone. And unfortunately sometimes even when we do everything perfect, things can still go wrong. Thinking of you and know it wasnt your fault