I experienced my first loss in February this year and I was absolutely devastated. I was 11 weeks, it was my first child. I couldn't function afterwards, I would just break down in tears at least 5 times a day. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I couldn't stand the idea of getting pregnant again. Then I did. And I didn't even know until I started to miscarry 13 days ago. I had bloodwork done on two Fridays ago and then the following Monday and they called me last Tuesday to let me know my hcg levels had dropped. It was no surprise, I already knew. When I got the call, I cried. But since then, I have felt strangely at peace. I have pictured my children, a boy and a girl even though I didn't know the genders. I picture them as children, not babies, and they are holding hands in Heaven, smiling and laughing. At first I thought that maybe this time was easier because I didn't know, I had no time to get attached to this baby. I don't know, but I have been fine. I have been strong and calm and.... numb, I guess. But tonight, all of a sudden I was hit with this overwhelming grief. I don't know where it came from. I wasn't even thinking about them. But I just feel like my heart has broken completely. I force myself to stop crying but it only lasts a few minutes and then it starts all over again. This pain is absolutely crippling. I just... I miss my babies. I want them. I want them so bad. I just want to be okay again but I don't think these tears are ever going to stop.
on Jul. 11, 2012 at 12:33 AM