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kind of lost

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2012 at 11:48 PM
  • 4 Replies

So my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years now and on the 26th of may we found out we were pregnant. while we werent trying we were so excited about becoming parents. my boyfriend (will) did everything he could to make me comfortable and got me anything i wanted or needed without any sort of argument. after we found out my polycysitic ovarian syndrome started acting up and i started retaining water not only in the giant cysts on my ovaries but also al around my uterus and i gained 12lbs in water weight. while it was extremly painful my dr told me that it wasnt hurting my baby. when i hit 6 weeks i went in for an ultrascan and the dr told me that things didnt look good. the baby wasnt growing and there was no fetal heartbeat it broke my heart. he took some blood and said he had some tests to run and that he would call me in a couple of days. well when he finally called he said things looked real bad that my Hcg levels had been steadly declining and that with all the other factors it was looking like i was going to need to terminate, that i needed to come back in in a couple of days for another scan and quick blood work but that a definate decision would be made then. well the day came and the dr sat me down and explained everything that was going to happen. so i made my way to the designated dr. office and had my d&c and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. im 21 years old and i live in  the middle of the south where girls are supposed to reproduce and have a house full of kids by 25 and if not then theres something wrong. well thats never really been the plan for me but once i thought i was going to be having a little one of my own it sounded  amazing. and now i just feel like im missing a huge part of myself. nothing really makes me happy and i always want to cry at the drop of the hat. will has been great but i know i havent been as "attentive" to him as i should be but everytime i even think about having sex i just cringe i dont quite feel guilty but thats about as close to an emotion that i can put words to how feel. I jsut want  to feel normal again i know that im always snappy and moody and mopy but i jsut cant really feel truly happy at the moment. and i dont know how long will will endure this "dry spell" ( as he puts it) put i really cant imagine my life without him. he has been the rock that has held me down through this entire terrible storm. while i dont neccessarly want to try to get pregnant again because i would like to finish college( i want to get my masters in psychology) a big part of me wants to have a kid now like i feel like i have a knot in my gut thats telling me that i need a kid but my head keeps telling me that i need to finish school so i can be self-sufficent and be productive in society (also because my family puts a big emphasis on getting a degree) im just completly lost i dont know what to do and i cry all the time! do i finish school? or do i start a family?


by on Jul. 15, 2012 at 11:48 PM
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by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:11 AM
Relax and follow your heart. What you think is best for you. Not what others want for you or what you think they expect of you. If your bf loves you, he will stick around no linger how long the dry spell lasts. I finished my bachelors before having children. I then got my MBA this past spring. My son was 2 when I started and I got pg with my daughter the first semester. You can do both, but school was MUCH harder with young children. I couldn't procrastinate since you never know when kids will get sick or need you. I had feelings of guilt for putting school before my kids on many occasions. Good luck in whatever you decide. But honestly I would try and finish school first and then have children. You are still plenty young to focus on kids later. Unless of course your OB thinks its going to be harder to have kids later if you have something medically wrong. Hope this helps and doesn't offend you.
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:30 AM
So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. Only you and you boyfriend can decide if you are ready to try again or wait. Definately talk with your dr about options and ways they can help in the future.
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by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:36 AM

thank you both for your thoughts and prayers and @swedemomma thank you for your insight and there is no offence taken. :)

by Angela on Jul. 16, 2012 at 1:32 AM

I don't know how to advise...I'd really follow what your heart tells you, it never guides you wrong if you really listen.  I'd also really keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend.  It's hard, cause putting words to your emotions are not easy, it's hard for me, and my husband and I have been together for 17 years.  Just make sure he knows how much you love equate sex with love, and if you are going through a dry spell as he or you put it, just make sure he knows why.  Communication is key.

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