Miscarriage and the Significant Other

[amirahfae]

I'm new here. Literally just joined a few hours ago. I lost a baby at 8 weeks in April. I was devastated. No my little one was not planned but as soon as I got confirmation I was in LOVE. And my boyfriend took it so well, he was a real champ. When I started spotting he held my hand in the ER telling me everything would be okay. When we lost the baby he held my hand and cried briefly. He's a guy I was floored he showed that much emotion. Right away he wanted to try again. I begged him to wait he said no.

Three days later he changed his mind. Now it's been seven months. Everytime we decide to try again he changes his mind. I have to beg him to talk to me and when he finally does it's like he's talking to a child who's throwing a tantrum. He won't touch me. When I ask him about it he says that he's not avoiding me but he is. I don't know if he's afraid or deep down he resents me. Is anyone else going through this? 

I love him and I don't want this to break us but it seems to be heading down that road. Any advice would be appreciated. I've mentioned couples and individual counseling but he just shrugs. it's driving me crazy!

Sorry for the long winded, seemingly never ending description. I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm ready to try to move on to the next phase of our lives but he doesn't seem to want the same thing. Thanks.

[Angela4boys]

I am sorry for your loss ((hugs)). I think your bf is just scared. He is scared of this happening again, scared of what it will do to you, scared of seeing you go through this. I would really try to keep the communication open...not when things get heated, but in the calm. Maybe even through letter writing (which would give him time to put words together since men aren't great communicators).

[kimscorner]

 I've been with my SO for almost 4 years now.  Men, who can explain them??  lol

He never told anyone about our miscarriage, yet he was eager to keep trying.  Even when I started to give up that I'd never get pregnant again (it took us 10 months!), he kept saying it will happen.  Then when it did, he kept that pregnancy a secret the ENTIRE time.  No one knew about our daughter until she was 3 weeks old!!  After he let the cat out of the bag about her, then he told people about the miscarriage.

It was a huge problem in our relationship.  I still resent how he kept both pregnancies a secret and our daughter was already born before he told anyone about her.

And we're still having our issues.  He was living with me for the past 6 months, but moved out 2 weeks ago.  I know we still love each other, but now I'm not so sure we can bounce back from everything.

Good luck.  Men are just, eh.....

[mommyofnoah208]

I am sorry. Maybe he just isnt ready yet and is scared. I agree tbat you guys need to talk when its calm. Good luck

[EAzizM]

I agree with pp. He might be confused and scared it will happen again. We sometimes forget that we are not the only ones that might have a hard time dealing with it. I hope you guys work it out and he agrees to trying again soon. Gl

[amirahfae]

Thanks everyone. I know I need to be patient and understanding and I know it affected him as much as it did me. Well maybe not as much but he was still affected. I haven't thrown anything at him or yelled so I think I'm doing pretty well :) 

[eesmommy]

We experienced our first MC on March. I was devastated and broken. Dh was so busy with work and miscellaneous that he didn't feel it so much. He was more concerned about me. He was ready to try that month. I was but I wasn't if that makes sense. I struggled with depression from then on. This fall we concieved again. Dh thought this one was going to make it through. We had an u/s and saw the sack and fetal pole. We went back the following week excited to see a heartbeat. We saw nothing. Dh took it hard. I was a bawling mess beggiing to be taken to a phsiciatric hospital, begging him to kill me so I didn't have to go through another loss. It took two weeks for my body to miscarry, for two weeks dh held onto hope. Then when the bleeding started he still held onto hope, when he was awakened at 3 in the morning to me screaming in pain, he held me then tended to me after. He told me that we could try again as soon as I was ready. The other day he admitted that he is scared silly to try again. To hope to dream. I am still floating on devastation and depression and anger and so many emotions I can't name them. Our agreement is this. We will try on the days we feel like trying, and not on the days we don't. If we do get pregnant again we will just pretend we aren't and go on with life. If we miscarry again we will cross that bridge when we get to it. We are only promised today, we can sit here and dwell on the past or we can hold the past in our back pocket and move on to the future. Right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out for my two babies I will never hold and never know, but a part of me NEEDS to try again, to not let these two losses stop our dreams of more babies. The only thing that gives me peace is the knowledge that those tiny innocent babies will never know pain or sadness or sickness, they are innocent angels gone but NEVER forgotten.

[blessedmommie07]

I'm sorry for your loss.  Guys always deal with loss differently.  Have you told him the only way to move on is to have a deep heart felt conversation about how you felt with the mc and how you feel now.  I hope it gets better for you.

[iSMILEheCRIES]

 I am sorry for your loss.  I think guys just deal differently with loss.  My SO was AMAZING during our actual loss in the hospital, but since then he has been kinda dense.  Most days he can not understand why I am sad.  Just be honest with your boyfriend and tell him you want to try again, but that you are also scared and you want to know where he stands.  Good luck and hugs

[cali_angel_girl]

((hugs)) i'm sorry for your loss hun. I agree with the other ladies your bf is probably just afraid of having another loss.  I would try talking to him again and see if he can open up to you about how he is feeling.

[suebee3]

So sorry!  I reacted like you BF.  I didn't want to look at my DH, didn't want to talk to anyone.  I was devasted.  My last miss was 2 years ago and I am only starting talk about it for the last 2 months or so. I think you need to ask him where he wants things to go and if it some thing he still wants.  Then take it from there.