Between now and the beginning of Dec I would be finding out what if its a boy or a girl. Instead I am sitting here thinking about how it would have gone, what it would have been like. I am playing scenerios in my head about a baby that doesnt exist now.
Its been about 3 mos since it happend. I have been ok for about 6 wks. I try to keep myself busy and not think about it. Last night while I was in bed with DF I fell apart. I started crying and I can never get the words out of my mouth. He asks whats wrong. I cant say it. I just cry and try to breathe. I got choked up and couldnt talk. When I finally did, I asked how he felt about it. He never talked to me about it. This would have been his first biological child. I felt even more horrible because when I asked him he said he tries to be strong for me. I told him that I wanted to know how he felt because sometimes I think I am crazy and I need to know that he feels about the same. He started crying and told me how he thinks its his fault. He believes in karma. He thinks that because of some of the bad things he has done in his life, this is what he recieved. I believe in karma to a certain extent. I dont believe this is what it is. This doesnt just impact him. I think it is my fault because it is my body and I already had issues with it.
So...Today is a bad day and I just felt like talking about it