the whole mess that is me

[iSMILEheCRIES]

 I just have to get this off my chest and write it out.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I fee like I am getting worse instead of better... or maybe I'm just not getting better.  I still cry almost every day- usually on my way home from work.  I feel like no one understands.  I feel like people don't remember.  My mom hasn't said anything to me about Lily at all.  I have told me boyfriend many time how I feel.  He says he misses her too.  He will talk about it a little with me (usually in text), but I don't think he understands.  I get home everyday and he has to know I have been crying, my face is all red and splotchy.  But he won't say anything.  I have told him how horrible his silence makes me feel when I am crying, and of course he says he is sorry.  Last night he came home and I was IMing with my friend, telling her how sad I am, and tears were running down my face.  He asked who I was talking to, and that was it.  At bed time, I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't want to keep him awake with my crying so I went into the living room.  Eventually he woke up and came in there and just hugged me, didn't ask what was wrong or say anything at all- its almost weird.  So we went to bed and didn't talk or touch or anything, he honestly makes me feel like I am being punished for crying.  I just want him to say the non-sense things to make me feel better.  I want to feel like someone else knows she was a real baby.  I feel like I have hit the point where I am should be feeling better, at least a little better, and I don't feel better.  So much else is going on- I work retail (busy), I hate work (drama), medical stuff, buying a house... I feel like I don't have time to grieve my baby.  Even when I am sobbing that I miss her, its like my mind is in overdrive about other things to worry about- next thing you know I am crying because I didn't make sales this month, and then I am twice as upset because I can't even miss her when I want to because something gets in the way.  I know I should go back and see my counselor (its been 2 years since I went for some childhood trama stuff) but I feel like I can't miss another minute of work because I have missed so much with the miscarriage and other medical stuff.  Plus I don't really want to go see the counselor, what if she says I am crazy.  What if she says I am depressed and she helps me heal, and then I won't miss Lily so much.  I want to remember her, and I want to miss her.  I don't want to feel so sad and hopeless, but then again, I feel like maybe I won't miss her as much if I don't cry like this everyday.  Does that sound stupid?  Right now I feel like I am at the end of my rope.  I am angry with my boyfriend because he lets me cry, I am angry with most of my friends and family because they act like this never happened.  I just don't know what to do, how to feel.... I am also worried that when I have all these scopes done they will find something very bad, and at this point, I don't care to fight anymore

[blessedmommie07]

*Hugs* I'm sorry your having a rough time.  Sometimes men don't know what to do or say so they think its better not to say.  Most of the time my husband would just give me a hug and then he just didn't know what to do or say.  

A counselor might help especially if your having a tough time by yourself.  She won't think your crazy.  If you want look for a grief counselor that might be better for you.  Greif is a roller coaster sometimes it takes a while before you can get a little happiness back.  

You are not hurting Lily by getting better.  I'm sure she wants her Mommy to be better and a little happy.  You are never going to forget her and you will always remember her and she will always have a spot in your heart.  You won't miss her any less but you can start finding happiness in life again and for your boys.  

Your not stupid.  Have you thought about a local support group?  Those ladies have or still are going through the same feelings you are and are probably the only people that can truely understand what your feeling and going through.  Some can be a support for you and someone to talk too.  At least that has what I found in my great local group.  *Hugs*

[Zealand2008]

I think everything you are feeling is normal. Men grieve differently than we do and often they don't feel the same impact because they weren't carrying the baby. It's almost as if its not as real to them. They don't mean anything by it. Have you asked you boyfriend how he is doing? My husband was a bit surprised when I asked him but I told him he was his baby too. I think it helped him share more. Even though he has been so great he is definitely getting over things faster than me. I just think its because he didn't carry our baby. If you really feel out of control please see a counselor. I'm lucky to have a couple very supportive friends but honestly most people can't possibly understand unless they have been there. I think work is hard on all of us too in different ways. I am a speech pathologist and I work with children all day. It's been difficult.

[Zealand2008]

Also try kava tea. I steep 2 bags for 15 minutes so its extra strong.

[Angela4boys]

Girl, Lily was/is real... You are in a group full of women who know just how real she is (( hugs))

Second, go see your councilor! It's fine to grieve, but not spiral into depression. You aren't honoring Lilys life any extra by being sad...she loves her Mommy, she wants you happy Hun, just as she is. She is not suffering, she is safe and peaceful with The Lord.

((Big hugs))

[nmartin15]

Sending you a very big hug. We know she was real and will always be in your thoughts, but she would not want you to be spiraling so far down. I think a grief counselor would be better than a regular one. And men are just weird, they dont quite get it like we do. They arent built to be as emotional either, so they deal and move on much faster.

I am sorry you are having it so rough, but maybe look into local support groups too. Those ladies would be just like us and be able to understand and support you. Praying that you find some peace, and just because you dont cry everyday for Lily, doesnt mean she means less to you or that you are forgetting her.

[coelmommy824]

It really is such an emotional rollercoaster.  I just want you to know that you aren't alone.  Don't hesitate to talk talk talk.  I do believe that sharing what you are going through will bring about the most healing.  I thought I was going crazy for a while, and just wanted to feel normal like I had before the miscarriage. It's amazing the way you can play mind games on yourself, trying to reason everything.  Ugh.  Anyway, know that you aren't alone <3  Lots of love and hugs!

[mommyofnoah208]

I am so sorry :( it is so hard because we are the ones that feel everypart of grief loosing our babies and men dont seem to, so its hard to feel that aloneness. And others seem to have moved on and don't understand that even though it is heartbreaking to think about and talk about our babies, it is even more heartbreaking not to. I think that is a big "setback" in grieving is when we see we are the only ones left really grieving...there is nothing wrong with still grieving, and there is also nothing wrong with trying to be happy. Even when you dont cry everyday anymore and you find joy again in life, you will still miss Lily and she will still be with you and be part of you...so don't worry about feeling like she wont be missed or cared about as much. There is nothing wrong with trying to move forward and get help if you feel you need it. Lily will always be remembered and love. Thinking of you. Sometimes when life was too busy or I needed to do "normal" I would go about my day, then I would make time for a few mins at the end of the day to go and listen to a song about loss that would bring comfort and just cry or let it all out whatever emotion I needed to release, I think that helped me a lot.