Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I just need to vent. (:

Posted by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:28 AM
  • 10 Replies

I am not sure where else to turn. I suppose coming some place where no one really knows me feels like my best option. I am not sure of the words or support or healing I am searching for. And I do not mind at all if you skip over this post.

My husband and I have been trying for almost two straight years to conceive, and had tried for a year one other time. We have, now, been through two miscarriages. Our first was conceived in 2008. Our second happened just recently in May/June.
I have tried to be strong throughout this time. It has always bothered me, though, to hear of unwed couples and teenagers getting pregnant purely by chance. It has always torn my heart apart to hear of children being abused physically/mentally/sexually or murdered by their parents, and that people like that could bear a child in the first place.
As I was beginning to heal from our latest miscarriage, I found out that my dad was expecting with his fourth "baby momma", his fifth child. My dad is a good man, but he is hardly what you would consider a good father. He walked out of my life for years due to drugs and was emotionally abusive when I did end up having contact with him. He left my brother simply because he did not want him and, in his fourteen years of living, has only accumulated possibly a year's worth of time with him. He would give up his weekends with my sisters to go drinking with his friends or because he just wasn't ready to spend time with them. I am not sure if I am just jealous of the fact that he is now having a child of whom he is already giving all his time to or because his gets to have another child.
This baby was conceived around the same time that my and my husband's child was. This baby is due at the same time that our's would have been due. As selfish as it is, I am hurt. I am happy for my father, but I am hurting for us (if that makes any sense). I feel like our baby was stolen from us.
Now, I feel so constantly alone. I feel worthless and inadequate and have yet to conceive again. I so fear that it will take us another 3 1/2 years to conceive again, and my whole being - body, soul, and mind - yearn for a child. I do not know how many times I have prayed and bargained and begged. I feel exhausted. I know that is no way to have a child, but I am terrified that I may never have one. When my husband is near, I do not feel him. I don't think I really even arouse him, anymore. I feel like so much less of a woman. I don't feel like I can be a good wife for him, anymore. I am terrified of everything.
I envy my father for having the child I should be having, the chance that I prayed for for years. I am so angry, hurt, yet happy that he gets the chance that should have also been mine. I just keep wondering when he is going to mess it up, but then feel sorry for myself and my siblings if he doesn't. In this web of craziness, I even go so far as to even envy my sibling because they get to experience the father that I should have had.

If you made it through this, thank you for your time. I just needed someplace to turn. (: 

My name is Amber. I am a housewife of a US Airman. I am a mommy to our angel babies, our two furbabiesand am now TTC our first little bundle.<3 I have lived the life I loved, and love the life I live.

by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
AmericanChild82
by Chrissy on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:37 AM

 Its perfectly normal to have envy of others when you yourself is so desperately wanting. We to have suffered a second loss in August. Have you sought fertilty counseling to maybe get some more information? Have you both been tested to make sure that you'll be able to conceive and carry to term? Don't give up hope there are places you can turn. I am so sorry that you're hurting and even more sorry that you had to experience the losses of your littles.

smileber
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:41 AM


Quoting AmericanChild82:

 Its perfectly normal to have envy of others when you yourself is so desperately wanting. We to have suffered a second loss in August. Have you sought fertilty counseling to maybe get some more information? Have you both been tested to make sure that you'll be able to conceive and carry to term? Don't give up hope there are places you can turn. I am so sorry that you're hurting and even more sorry that you had to experience the losses of your littles.

I have been seen by an OB/GYN. My husband has so far refused to. He wants me to try every thing I can, even going so far as to try IVF if it might mean we could possibly have a child of our own that way. They found that I have a common slight blood clotting disorder. Since I was seen so late after my miscarriage, they could not rule out if that was the cause, only that it is just a possibility. They have me on junior's Aspirin to help with it.

My name is Amber. I am a housewife of a US Airman. I am a mommy to our angel babies, our two furbabiesand am now TTC our first little bundle.<3 I have lived the life I loved, and love the life I live.

AmericanChild82
by Chrissy on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:52 AM

 If you go the IVF route they'll want to test him as well. Have you looked into IVF? Don't give up. The way I see it. God gave Dr's their skills for a reason. So find a good dr in your area and start the process. What I can also tell you is that it's not your fault. I know it's hard to see now but it really isn't your fault. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I blamed myself after our 2nd loss. My dr who is sweet as peaches sat down with me and explained to me that even though they have the ability to test the babies cells after it's passed, does not mean that they will find anything. In fact most that are tested turn out that there is nothing wrong with the baby(85%). Talk to your husband and start the process. I wish mine were more open minded about IVF like yours.

Quoting smileber:


Quoting AmericanChild82:

 Its perfectly normal to have envy of others when you yourself is so desperately wanting. We to have suffered a second loss in August. Have you sought fertilty counseling to maybe get some more information? Have you both been tested to make sure that you'll be able to conceive and carry to term? Don't give up hope there are places you can turn. I am so sorry that you're hurting and even more sorry that you had to experience the losses of your littles.

I have been seen by an OB/GYN. My husband has so far refused to. He wants me to try every thing I can, even going so far as to try IVF if it might mean we could possibly have a child of our own that way. They found that I have a common slight blood clotting disorder. Since I was seen so late after my miscarriage, they could not rule out if that was the cause, only that it is just a possibility. They have me on junior's Aspirin to help with it.

 

smileber
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 7:38 AM
Quoting AmericanChild82:




I really am happy that he is open to IVF, but the whole process terrifies me. And I am hurt that he isn't getting tested, as well. With all that I have already put my body through with trying to conceive, I feel so much more pressure, like it is all only relying on me. And with IVF, I am terrified that we could see all those little ball of cells, only to have none of them take. Also, I know my husband is ready to be a father just as much as I am ready to be a mother, but without him talking about all of this with me, I feel like he has another use for me. I know it is not true, but I let that thought take over me. It is all just so much to take in. Lol. It is so beautiful and scary!

My name is Amber. I am a housewife of a US Airman. I am a mommy to our angel babies, our two furbabiesand am now TTC our first little bundle.<3 I have lived the life I loved, and love the life I live.

AmericanChild82
by Chrissy on Nov. 30, 2012 at 8:53 AM

 I think it's normal to be terrified. After we had our first loss, a little girl we named Emmalynn, I was scared(pardon my french) shitless to conceive again. We did and I tried very hard to not get attached. Then we lost that baby to. I think not getting attached or getting my hopes up helped. For you, I'd at least consult a IVF specialist to see what they say. Then I'd talk to your dh. Maybe he's scared to and is trying to be strong for you. < My dh's advice. When we had our second loss, Jake(dh) showed very little emotion. I finally had to tell him that I felt like I was going through it alone because he didn't talk about. He broke down and it brought us closer together. I know it's a scary process and it's nerve wracking but really at least consult a Dr and go from there. They will run tests and if anything it'll give you more information to help better your decision to go from there. Just remember, we are all here for you through this roller coaster.

Quoting smileber:

Quoting AmericanChild82:




I really am happy that he is open to IVF, but the whole process terrifies me. And I am hurt that he isn't getting tested, as well. With all that I have already put my body through with trying to conceive, I feel so much more pressure, like it is all only relying on me. And with IVF, I am terrified that we could see all those little ball of cells, only to have none of them take. Also, I know my husband is ready to be a father just as much as I am ready to be a mother, but without him talking about all of this with me, I feel like he has another use for me. I know it is not true, but I let that thought take over me. It is all just so much to take in. Lol. It is so beautiful and scary!

 

JaxJemmaMomma
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 9:01 AM
I am really sorry that you are going throw this. My family is really high for miscarriage s my mom had one before she had me. Then my sister had two then later she had two baby ( not twins). The doctor had told her that since he was small (size 1 or 0 ) that she was going to have kids. But she had my niece but she gave birth early and Kamryn was a preemie. Then a year later she had her second baby and he turned out to be fine. I had two miscarriages one was due to my birth control. Then my husband and I tried to get pregnant for two years. When it finally happen I was so happy. But I staTed to bleed then I knew that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Everytime I went j saw mother and there baby I got upset just like u are. And thinking the same think. My husband told me not to worry about it. So I tried not worring about it so much. and now I have two wonderful babies! So try not not think about it just have fun having sex with ur husband. Work on you n him first! Or if that don't help then there is always adoption. I hope this helps!
blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:11 AM

*Hugs*  I'm sorry for your losses.  I hope you can get a rainbow baby soon.  

Zealand2008
by Bronze Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:55 AM
If he wants to try everything then he needs to be tested. That's one of the first things. It will give you answers.


Quoting smileber:

Quoting AmericanChild82:






I really am happy that he is open to IVF, but the whole process terrifies me. And I am hurt that he isn't getting tested, as well. With all that I have already put my body through with trying to conceive, I feel so much more pressure, like it is all only relying on me. And with IVF, I am terrified that we could see all those little ball of cells, only to have none of them take. Also, I know my husband is ready to be a father just as much as I am ready to be a mother, but without him talking about all of this with me, I feel like he has another use for me. I know it is not true, but I let that thought take over me. It is all just so much to take in. Lol. It is so beautiful and scary!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
smileber
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 5:43 AM


Quoting AmericanChild82:

 I think it's normal to be terrified. After we had our first loss, a little girl we named Emmalynn, I was scared(pardon my french) shitless to conceive again. We did and I tried very hard to not get attached. Then we lost that baby to. I think not getting attached or getting my hopes up helped. For you, I'd at least consult a IVF specialist to see what they say. Then I'd talk to your dh. Maybe he's scared to and is trying to be strong for you. < My dh's advice. When we had our second loss, Jake(dh) showed very little emotion. I finally had to tell him that I felt like I was going through it alone because he didn't talk about. He broke down and it brought us closer together. I know it's a scary process and it's nerve wracking but really at least consult a Dr and go from there. They will run tests and if anything it'll give you more information to help better your decision to go from there. Just remember, we are all here for you through this roller coaster.

Quoting smileber:

Quoting AmericanChild82:




I really am happy that he is open to IVF, but the whole process terrifies me. And I am hurt that he isn't getting tested, as well. With all that I have already put my body through with trying to conceive, I feel so much more pressure, like it is all only relying on me. And with IVF, I am terrified that we could see all those little ball of cells, only to have none of them take. Also, I know my husband is ready to be a father just as much as I am ready to be a mother, but without him talking about all of this with me, I feel like he has another use for me. I know it is not true, but I let that thought take over me. It is all just so much to take in. Lol. It is so beautiful and scary!

 

With this miscarriage, I didn't get attached, as well. I knew the moment I got my positive it was all just wrong and I was losing the baby. I think, now, my problem is that I feel guilty. I was ecstatic about our first. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Immediately when we lost the baby, I had already named "him". This last pregnancy, I would just pray every day for a miracle, that I wasn't really losing my baby, but I had no hope. I don't even have a name for it. I don't know what to name the baby because I just didn't feel any sort of connection. And that makes me feel like a horrible mother.
I finally got my husband to talk with me a little tonight. I go back and forth so much, now, on when would be "the perfect time" for us to conceive. My idea of the perfect life was to be the cutesy stay-at-home mom and little miss "Suzy Homemaker". Honestly, it still sounds like a fabulous lifestyle, and we have all the means to make it work. I just realize, though, I still need to go back to school and finish getting a degree. I feel like I haven't done anything for myself to actually improve myself in so long. And a little extra money in the savings is always a nice thing, right? (o: Obviously, a baby at any point is completely accepted, but that is only if God feels the timing is right. If, after I finish my schooling and get myself established in a career for a little while, God hasn't felt it is our time, we will begin helping Him. Lol!
I never really realized it until just now, but there are so many thoughts and emotions surrounding me. Lol! So many big decisions... Thank you so much for talking me through them! I really do appreciate it! (:

My name is Amber. I am a housewife of a US Airman. I am a mommy to our angel babies, our two furbabiesand am now TTC our first little bundle.<3 I have lived the life I loved, and love the life I live.

Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:50 AM
Sorry about your Dad, I have my own issues with mine. I would talk to your doctor, and try to figure out what the problem is with why it is A) taking so long, and B) why when you do the pregnancy is unsuccessful. Keep in mind that it takes two to tango, and it's quite possible that it could be an issue in your husbands side. And in the meantime, you and hubby need to be communicating too. I think there are times we are down on ourselves, but I bet your husband loves you more than ever. Men aren't the best communicators, and he may be secretly having his own issues with feeling inadequate. Just keep loving each other, and keep communicating. (( hugs))
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)