I am not sure where else to turn. I suppose coming some place where no one really knows me feels like my best option. I am not sure of the words or support or healing I am searching for. And I do not mind at all if you skip over this post.
My husband and I have been trying for almost two straight years to conceive, and had tried for a year one other time. We have, now, been through two miscarriages. Our first was conceived in 2008. Our second happened just recently in May/June.
I have tried to be strong throughout this time. It has always bothered me, though, to hear of unwed couples and teenagers getting pregnant purely by chance. It has always torn my heart apart to hear of children being abused physically/mentally/sexually or murdered by their parents, and that people like that could bear a child in the first place.
As I was beginning to heal from our latest miscarriage, I found out that my dad was expecting with his fourth "baby momma", his fifth child. My dad is a good man, but he is hardly what you would consider a good father. He walked out of my life for years due to drugs and was emotionally abusive when I did end up having contact with him. He left my brother simply because he did not want him and, in his fourteen years of living, has only accumulated possibly a year's worth of time with him. He would give up his weekends with my sisters to go drinking with his friends or because he just wasn't ready to spend time with them. I am not sure if I am just jealous of the fact that he is now having a child of whom he is already giving all his time to or because his gets to have another child.
This baby was conceived around the same time that my and my husband's child was. This baby is due at the same time that our's would have been due. As selfish as it is, I am hurt. I am happy for my father, but I am hurting for us (if that makes any sense). I feel like our baby was stolen from us.
Now, I feel so constantly alone. I feel worthless and inadequate and have yet to conceive again. I so fear that it will take us another 3 1/2 years to conceive again, and my whole being - body, soul, and mind - yearn for a child. I do not know how many times I have prayed and bargained and begged. I feel exhausted. I know that is no way to have a child, but I am terrified that I may never have one. When my husband is near, I do not feel him. I don't think I really even arouse him, anymore. I feel like so much less of a woman. I don't feel like I can be a good wife for him, anymore. I am terrified of everything.
I envy my father for having the child I should be having, the chance that I prayed for for years. I am so angry, hurt, yet happy that he gets the chance that should have also been mine. I just keep wondering when he is going to mess it up, but then feel sorry for myself and my siblings if he doesn't. In this web of craziness, I even go so far as to even envy my sibling because they get to experience the father that I should have had.
If you made it through this, thank you for your time. I just needed someplace to turn. (:
My name is Amber. I am a housewife of a US Airman. I am a mommy to our angel babies, our two furbabies, and am now TTC our first little bundle.<3 I have lived the life I loved, and love the life I live.