It's been two weeks today and still no bueno.
Two weeks ago today, I went in for a D&C to remove my baby that I didn't pass naturally. Scared out of my shorts and emotionally wrecked, I still relive every moment of this day every day still. It's like some really bad micro movie I can't get out of my head. From the doctor saying to me the day before "I'm worried", when he couldn't find a heart beat, to the clicks of the ultrasound when they were measuring my baby to determine approximately when he/she passed, and waking up from the anesthesia after the procedure-crying immediately and staring up at these huge lights in the OR while they called my name. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of. These are the things that keep me up at night.
I feel absolutely broken. I know I have two healthy, beautiful kids already, but this doesn't ease my pain much. Every time I jump in the shower and see myself naked, I cry. I cry because I know it's over and there's nothing there.
I will never get to hold my little one's hand or kiss their forehead. I will never get to hug my baby and tell it how much it is loved and how much we wanted it. I'm haunted by all the hopes and dreams that we had for this child and how they all came crashing down on our heads.
The day we found out that our child had passed, our OBGYN told us that he saw a sac of fluid at the base of the baby's spine and he's assuming that the baby had the potential of having spina bifida. This isn't genetic, it's purely random. Our other two are normal and healthy and the pathology reports all came back WNL. If this is true, I know life would have been a struggle. This doesn't help me much either. The day I went in for the appointment where I had found out that the baby didn't make it, I would have been 16w4d approx. They're estimating that the baby had actually passed a few weeks earlier and I didn't miscarry on my own. I would have been almost 19 weeks today.
I feel somtimes that there's this time limit on my grief. At first, people were very sympathetic. Now, it's definitely tapered off. I've even told my husband that I feel that it's almost treated as if I had a root canal. Now that two weeks has passed, I should be "all better" and ready to go. But I'm not. I"m not "all better". I'm a damn mess.
We named our baby August River. My heart hurts so bad and I'm wrecked.
I wrote this two weeks ago. I'm feeling this way again today. This week coming up would have been the appointment where I got to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl. Still haunted by not knowing. All except for you kind ladies, everyone else does treat me as if I'm good to go. Like I should be over this now. Funny how there really is this imaginary time limit on grief. All except in this group, where others understand.