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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

It's been two weeks today and still no bueno.

Posted by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 7:13 PM
  • 12 Replies

Two weeks ago today, I went in for a D&C to remove my baby that I didn't pass naturally. Scared out of my shorts and emotionally wrecked, I still relive every moment of this day every day still. It's like some really bad micro movie I can't get out of my head. From the doctor saying to me the day before "I'm worried", when he couldn't find a heart beat, to the clicks of the ultrasound when they were measuring my baby to determine approximately when he/she passed, and waking up from the anesthesia after the procedure-crying immediately and staring up at these huge lights in the OR while they called my name. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of. These are the things that keep me up at night.

I feel absolutely broken. I know I have two healthy, beautiful kids already, but this doesn't ease my pain much. Every time I jump in the shower and see myself naked, I cry. I cry because I know it's over and there's nothing there.

I will never get to hold my little one's hand or kiss their forehead. I will never get to hug my baby and tell it how much it is loved and how much we wanted it. I'm haunted by all the hopes and dreams that we had for this child and how they all came crashing down on our heads.

The day we found out that our child had passed, our OBGYN told us that he saw a sac of fluid at the base of the baby's spine and he's assuming that the baby had the potential of having spina bifida. This isn't genetic, it's purely random. Our other two are normal and healthy and the pathology reports all came back WNL. If this is true, I know life would have been a struggle. This doesn't help me much either. The day I went in for the appointment where I had found out that the baby didn't make it, I would have been 16w4d approx. They're estimating that the baby had actually passed a few weeks earlier and I didn't miscarry on my own. I would have been almost 19 weeks today.

I feel somtimes that there's this time limit on my grief. At first, people were very sympathetic. Now, it's definitely tapered off. I've even told my husband that I feel that it's almost treated as if I had a root canal. Now that two weeks has passed, I should be "all better" and ready to go. But I'm not. I"m not "all better". I'm a damn mess.

We named our baby August River. My heart hurts so bad and I'm wrecked.


**UPDATE**

I wrote this two weeks ago. I'm feeling this way again today. This week coming up would have been the appointment where I got to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl. Still haunted by not knowing.  All except for you kind ladies, everyone else does treat me as if I'm good to go. Like I should be over this now. Funny how there really is this imaginary time limit on grief. All except in this group, where others understand.








by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 7:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 8, 2012 at 9:05 PM

BUMP!

Zealand2008
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:43 AM
1 mom liked this
I would have been 16 weeks tomorrow. It's been 4 weeks since the heart stopped beating and my D&C. This was our first child after 4 long years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about where I would be and I replay the moment we found out in my head. I won't ever forget it including the emotions. But it's gotten easier to deal with. Most people have moved on. Why wouldn't they? They weren't carrying the baby inside them for 11 weeks. I can't hold that against them. Unless you have been through it there's no possible way to understand the magnitude of your emotions. Just know what you are feeling is normal. I think we were due the same month- may.
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blessedbyGod141
by Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 8:12 AM
1 mom liked this
I've had a miscariage about 6 mo ago. It was the worst feeling and I didn't know how to get thru it. Honestly as ashamed as I am to say, I was angry at God. We had tried for 5 yrs to only be told I couldn't get pregnant. Imagine my surprise. My pastor really helped along with my husband. Amazingly I am now 9 Wks and had 3 ultrasounds bc I'm so paranoid. A thought that helped me was, at least I can get pregnant and bc my baby had a heartbeat, I would see it again in heaven and until then its resting in the arms of Jesus. I know how hard it is, you can message me anytime you need to talk.
Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:30 AM
There is just no way to recover from losing your baby that you love so much in that time frame. Unless you have been through it, there would just be no way of understanding the pain. You are a mom, and will forever miss your baby. You will probably make peace with your loss at some point, but you will forever miss your little one (( hugs ))
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debbie303
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:47 AM

((hugs))

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 9, 2012 at 11:55 AM

You're right. We were right next to each other. April 26 was my expected due date.

Quoting Zealand2008:

I would have been 16 weeks tomorrow. It's been 4 weeks since the heart stopped beating and my D&C. This was our first child after 4 long years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about where I would be and I replay the moment we found out in my head. I won't ever forget it including the emotions. But it's gotten easier to deal with. Most people have moved on. Why wouldn't they? They weren't carrying the baby inside them for 11 weeks. I can't hold that against them. Unless you have been through it there's no possible way to understand the magnitude of your emotions. Just know what you are feeling is normal. I think we were due the same month- may.


momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:01 PM

This is the only place for me where I can talk about this and feel like I'm not playing a broken record. I don't expect people who haven't been through this to understand, I just wish they'd back off sometimes and give me space without making me feel like some sort of pariah. Thanks for listening, it's just another one of my vents. This is why I can't sleep at night most of the time. :(

I talk to my baby all the time. I can only hope that he or she hears me. I just want him or her to know that they were truly loved, right from the beginning.

Quoting Angela4boys:

There is just no way to recover from losing your baby that you love so much in that time frame. Unless you have been through it, there would just be no way of understanding the pain. You are a mom, and will forever miss your baby. You will probably make peace with your loss at some point, but you will forever miss your little one (( hugs ))


echupko
by Group Mod-Elizabeth on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:40 PM
People just don't get it unless they have been through it :-( hugs
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momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:15 AM

You're so right! I had to explain again last night exactly why we weren't running all over the place for Christmas this year. Again. For like the 5th time.

Quoting echupko:

People just don't get it unless they have been through it :-( hugs


Devious103102
by Priscilla on Dec. 10, 2012 at 11:28 AM

((((hugs)))) It's been nearly 2 months since my loss (Sept 25, 2012, lost my little boy at 17w 5d due to an unknown infection) and I still feel that way some days. I look at my belly and cry. I should've been nice and round and full by now. I would've been 30wks on Thursday, almost to the finish line.. but no.. it's empty, my heart feels somewhat empty, and everyone has moved on, but I never have, nor will I ever truely move on.

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