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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Struggling for 3 weeks. Warning:Angry & Long

Posted by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:18 AM
  • 13 Replies

So today has been three weeks exactly since we had our D&C on Novemeber 16. When I had the procedure done, I was 16.5w along. My obgyn is speculating that we lost the baby to NTD (spina bifida). Our little one had some ultrasounds done that seemed to back this theory up for our doctor and this is what potentially caused our baby to stop growing and pass on. We have two other kids and have no history of NTDs so it's our doc's assumption that it was just something random during fetal development that happens sometimes and there's no reason that we can't try again later when we're ready. All pathology results came back normal.

So here's the thing I'm struggling with. And by "struggling", I mean down right enraged over. Still. I've calmed down enough now where I think I can put it out here for advice.

I have a sister in law whom I don't have the best rapport with. All that aside, I've tried my best over the years but she is one of those people who always shoves her ideas down your throat without you even asking for advice, with the end result being nothing but anger and frustration. DH and I have even talked to her about it. Multiple times. DH actually tends to make excuses for her (her mom died when she was a teenager and had a rough childhood), regardless she is an adult and should be held accountable for her actions. Bad childhood doesn't give you a green light to act like a jackass. She also has a child with down's syndrome.

Here's the story:

The day I found out I lost our baby, DH called her and couldn't reach her. She ended up calling back when he wasn't home and I took the call. (I know I shouldn't have answered the phone). Before I could even tell her what had happened with the baby and that we had a D&C scheduled for the next day, she started telling me that the type of down's syndrome that her DD has isn't genetic and it isn't her family's fault that we lost the baby. Also wanted to name drop several DRs that she insisted I go talk to for genetic counselling. Then, she proceded to tell me what cemetaries I needed to get ahold of in order to bury my child. Here's what's going on in my mind: how the hell can I bury the child? I'm having a D&C done and the whatever comes out is going to pathology, not coming home with me. Not to be purely insensitive, but her ignorance is just inexcusable. I wish I had the opportunity to bury my child. I wish I had the opportunity to see him or her and hold them one last time. But no, that's not what a D&C is. So in my anger, I had to "educate" her as to why my child passed, let her know that we weren't even thinking about down's syndrome and further more exactly what a D&C was. All things that I should have NEVER had to do at that time. Not even 2 hours after I found out that we had lost our baby and being in pure shock over the entire situation. I know her intentions weren't malicious, but just purely ignorant and quite frankly insensitive.

So I've thought about having a conversation with her to let her know how I felt about this scenario. I've pretty much chalked it up to a bad idea. She loves to run around thinking the whole world is attacking her. We're supposed to go over to see them for Christmas, but she just had another baby and I don't really want to be around her or around a newborn at the moment. I just can't handle it and I'm not sure how I'm going to react or what I'm going to say.

I know this is incredibly long and I'm sorry. I just don't know if I'm holding on to unnecessary feelings or if I'm justified for feeling this way. I also don't know if brushing this under the rug is a good idea. I just don't know what to do. Every time I think about her, I get enraged all over again. I can't even listen to DH speak to her on the telephone. Now, because of this, everytime I think about the day that I lost my baby, August, this darn scenario gets thrown right into the mix of the horrors I had to endure.

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:32 AM
1 mom liked this
I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!
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Dani41780
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm so sorry :(

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 7, 2012 at 11:54 AM

Angela, what you wrote actually made me laugh. Seriously, any type of laughs at this moment are good. There aren't too many of them going around these days.

I don't think what you said is harsh. I feel the same way. DH is the one pushing the gun on the issue for us to get along and have a relationship. If it wasn't for him, I would have been done with all of this years ago. It has already been hard as heck for me to be around her prior to all of this (I've got a billion similar stories), but this one really threw the towel in.  Then like 10 minutes later, I start feeling bad for DH about all of this. Then 10 minutes after that I'm realizing that no one is looking out for MY feelings but ME. If I sit here and think about it too long, it can really make my head spin.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I have no patience for ignorance and insensitivity. Especially those who run around acting like they have a PhD in astrophysics.

Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!


Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 7, 2012 at 12:32 PM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes you need to take care of yourself and your needs first! This may be one of those years. Do what's best for you hun!

Quoting momofcrazypants:

Angela, what you wrote actually made me laugh. Seriously, any type of laughs at this moment are good. There aren't too many of them going around these days.

I don't think what you said is harsh. I feel the same way. DH is the one pushing the gun on the issue for us to get along and have a relationship. If it wasn't for him, I would have been done with all of this years ago. It has already been hard as heck for me to be around her prior to all of this (I've got a billion similar stories), but this one really threw the towel in.  Then like 10 minutes later, I start feeling bad for DH about all of this. Then 10 minutes after that I'm realizing that no one is looking out for MY feelings but ME. If I sit here and think about it too long, it can really make my head spin.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I have no patience for ignorance and insensitivity. Especially those who run around acting like they have a PhD in astrophysics.


Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.



Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)



I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!


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blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Dec. 7, 2012 at 1:07 PM
2 moms liked this

lol I agree.  Your hurting enough and you don't need to be around people that are idiots or self-centered.

Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!


Zealand2008
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 1:36 PM
1 mom liked this
You need to do what's best for you right now. Too many times we do what everyone else wants or what we think we are supposed to do. There are times we need to take care of ourselves. Only you know what you are capable of handling right now.
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momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 7, 2012 at 2:23 PM

Self-centered hits it right on the head. Everytime she calls all she wants to talk about are her kids and her new baby and how big he is....blah blah blah. I mean, really? Really? I have two of my own but again, it's difficult to hear the other half of the conversation. Hey, my own sister planned a surprise birthday party for her son 1 week after I lost this baby. It was a sneak attack. We were all at my parents house for Thanksgiving (3 hours away) and I already didn't really want to be there. I just don't think people get it. Maybe we should compile a list of what not to do to others after losing a baby.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

lol I agree.  Your hurting enough and you don't need to be around people that are idiots or self-centered.

Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!



blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Dec. 7, 2012 at 3:40 PM
1 mom liked this

There are some lists out there.  *hugs*  I'm sorry.

Quoting momofcrazypants:

Self-centered hits it right on the head. Everytime she calls all she wants to talk about are her kids and her new baby and how big he is....blah blah blah. I mean, really? Really? I have two of my own but again, it's difficult to hear the other half of the conversation. Hey, my own sister planned a surprise birthday party for her son 1 week after I lost this baby. It was a sneak attack. We were all at my parents house for Thanksgiving (3 hours away) and I already didn't really want to be there. I just don't think people get it. Maybe we should compile a list of what not to do to others after losing a baby.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

lol I agree.  Your hurting enough and you don't need to be around people that are idiots or self-centered.

Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!




momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 7, 2012 at 3:56 PM

Oh the things we find out later. Well, I'm angry but most importantly I'm more angry that it happened and not specifically angry at her. I try to make sure I don't take it out on anyone and try not to let it affect my moods. I need to move forward and just trying to figure out how to.  I just wish sometimes that we didn't always carry around so much. Thanks for listening to my vent.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

There are some lists out there.  *hugs*  I'm sorry.

Quoting momofcrazypants:

Self-centered hits it right on the head. Everytime she calls all she wants to talk about are her kids and her new baby and how big he is....blah blah blah. I mean, really? Really? I have two of my own but again, it's difficult to hear the other half of the conversation. Hey, my own sister planned a surprise birthday party for her son 1 week after I lost this baby. It was a sneak attack. We were all at my parents house for Thanksgiving (3 hours away) and I already didn't really want to be there. I just don't think people get it. Maybe we should compile a list of what not to do to others after losing a baby.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

lol I agree.  Your hurting enough and you don't need to be around people that are idiots or self-centered.

Quoting Angela4boys:

I think she is just am idiot, and it's a waste of your time, and breath to speak to her. No matter what you say, she won't hear it, cause she is going to be thinking of what she is going to say. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

Also, I wouldn't go to Christmas! I would just stay home and have a nice relaxing day with your family.... Hope that doesn't sound too harsh too ;)

I am sorry you have to deal with her. I totally shut people out when they annoy me, like totally like they don't exist... Family is no exception for me. Some people it's just not worth dealing with them!! Sorry if that sounds harsh too, haha!





iSMILEheCRIES
by Platinum Member on Dec. 7, 2012 at 9:21 PM

 Fuck her and feed her fish heads.  People like that just want to hear themselves talk, and they want to be a part of any drama that is going on.  Honestly I wouldn't worry about trying to talk to her, cause the GREAT news is she is gonna piss you off again and you have 3 weeks of PISSED OFF to unleash on her!!!!  Let's just chalk it up to post partum depression, poor mommy

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