Struggling for 3 weeks. Warning:Angry & Long
So today has been three weeks exactly since we had our D&C on Novemeber 16. When I had the procedure done, I was 16.5w along. My obgyn is speculating that we lost the baby to NTD (spina bifida). Our little one had some ultrasounds done that seemed to back this theory up for our doctor and this is what potentially caused our baby to stop growing and pass on. We have two other kids and have no history of NTDs so it's our doc's assumption that it was just something random during fetal development that happens sometimes and there's no reason that we can't try again later when we're ready. All pathology results came back normal.
So here's the thing I'm struggling with. And by "struggling", I mean down right enraged over. Still. I've calmed down enough now where I think I can put it out here for advice.
I have a sister in law whom I don't have the best rapport with. All that aside, I've tried my best over the years but she is one of those people who always shoves her ideas down your throat without you even asking for advice, with the end result being nothing but anger and frustration. DH and I have even talked to her about it. Multiple times. DH actually tends to make excuses for her (her mom died when she was a teenager and had a rough childhood), regardless she is an adult and should be held accountable for her actions. Bad childhood doesn't give you a green light to act like a jackass. She also has a child with down's syndrome.
Here's the story:
The day I found out I lost our baby, DH called her and couldn't reach her. She ended up calling back when he wasn't home and I took the call. (I know I shouldn't have answered the phone). Before I could even tell her what had happened with the baby and that we had a D&C scheduled for the next day, she started telling me that the type of down's syndrome that her DD has isn't genetic and it isn't her family's fault that we lost the baby. Also wanted to name drop several DRs that she insisted I go talk to for genetic counselling. Then, she proceded to tell me what cemetaries I needed to get ahold of in order to bury my child. Here's what's going on in my mind: how the hell can I bury the child? I'm having a D&C done and the whatever comes out is going to pathology, not coming home with me. Not to be purely insensitive, but her ignorance is just inexcusable. I wish I had the opportunity to bury my child. I wish I had the opportunity to see him or her and hold them one last time. But no, that's not what a D&C is. So in my anger, I had to "educate" her as to why my child passed, let her know that we weren't even thinking about down's syndrome and further more exactly what a D&C was. All things that I should have NEVER had to do at that time. Not even 2 hours after I found out that we had lost our baby and being in pure shock over the entire situation. I know her intentions weren't malicious, but just purely ignorant and quite frankly insensitive.
So I've thought about having a conversation with her to let her know how I felt about this scenario. I've pretty much chalked it up to a bad idea. She loves to run around thinking the whole world is attacking her. We're supposed to go over to see them for Christmas, but she just had another baby and I don't really want to be around her or around a newborn at the moment. I just can't handle it and I'm not sure how I'm going to react or what I'm going to say.
I know this is incredibly long and I'm sorry. I just don't know if I'm holding on to unnecessary feelings or if I'm justified for feeling this way. I also don't know if brushing this under the rug is a good idea. I just don't know what to do. Every time I think about her, I get enraged all over again. I can't even listen to DH speak to her on the telephone. Now, because of this, everytime I think about the day that I lost my baby, August, this darn scenario gets thrown right into the mix of the horrors I had to endure.