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Someone please help me understand him......

Posted by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 2:01 PM
  • 12 Replies

 A year and a half ago I had a miscarriage. We named the child Owen. This Saturday December 8 he would have been a year old and it is breaking my heart. I have another son that will be six months on the 21st but I cant help but miss Owen. I never felt him kick or anything but god do I feel so empty around this time knowing that he would never have a birthday or a christmas, he would have never known his brother Jacob (the 6 month old).

My husband said that since I had Jacob it should be easier for him, and that I shouldnt be so depressed.

I AM DEPRESSED, I lost my son before he was born!! HELLO!!! Is he that blasted ignorant?? I know each person grieves differently but telling me that I was not allowed to feel horrible this weekend is just down right wrong. I still am taking care of our 6 month old, I am still getting up and doing things around the house why am I not allowed to feel this way?

and just today he basically said that I was not allowed to get the tattoo I drew for Owen because it would cost 200-300 dollars or so his friends say. He never even bothered to call the places to see about pricing or anything. I just feel like he wants me to completely forget everything.

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 2:01 PM
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by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 2:34 PM
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry. You can't put a time limit on grief and please don't let others try to dictate to you on how to feel.  Take as long as you need. Owen was still your baby and he'll always be on your mind and in your heart.  I think it's a little different sometimes for the daddies. Not discounting the pain that they feel, but it's a different kind of pain. Mine took weeks to even show me that it was affecting him. I seriously had no clue as to how bad. The tattoo idea is sweet, but I can't answer that one for you guys. Maybe save up for it and put the money aside where it won't even affect what you guys need monthly or something. Again, I'm so sorry and I hope that you guys can come to some sort of resolution with this. Plenty of hugs.

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 3:53 PM
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I am sorry. Men deal with things differently and will never understand how emotionally shattering a miscarriage is. Hugs
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by Amy on Dec. 8, 2012 at 12:10 AM

((hugs)) i'm sorry hun.  Men grieve differently then we do and they don't realize it's something that we will never get over or forget about.  Just ignore what he has to say because there isn't a time limit on grief. 

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by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 10:32 AM

men are wayyyy different from us. maybe this is the way he is dealing with it. We as women feel our babies wether they had grown in us for 1 wk or to birth. We have a bond that a man will never understand. Take time for urself and dont let nobody put the pressure to stop grieving.

by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 11:22 AM

 I think that it's hard for men to inderstand. My hubby asked me once if having a baby would help me forget the two that I lost. I will never forget the two babies that I lost. I may be wrong but I don't think that he is telling you not to grieve - I think that he just wants to see his wife happy. My hubby has told me that what has hurt him the most is seeing my pain. Try giving him some literature of grieving and explain to him that sometimes you are just going to be sad or cry or scream; whatever it takes to help you heal from this loss. I hope this helps. Also, explain to him that it's ok if he doesn't understand and tell him what you need him to do. I TOLD my husband that it is his job just to shut up and hold me when I'm crying. That worked a lot better for him than trying to guess.


by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:38 PM
I am so sorry for your loss and lack of support. Men just dont seem to get it sometimes. Of course you will still be grieving your baby you lost, even though you are happy and blessed to have your son. It is ok to be thankful for your son here on earth and sad for your baby in heaven. Feel how you need to feel. Thinking of you
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by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 3:57 PM
I am sorry :(. You have every right to grieve Owen forever and a day! Moms have an attachment from the moment we know, it's a connection most Dads just can't understand and will never experience (( hugs ))
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by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 4:11 PM
thank you everyone. it wasnt easy for me to get through this weekend
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by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 4:49 PM

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry hun. We have similar stories. Dec 6 would've been the first birthday of the child (I say boy, we call him Parasite, long-funny-story) that I lost last May (8w 6d) and I have an 8 month old daughter (turned 8 months on the 9th) and I still greive for my baby that I lost last year (as well as the son I lost this year).  Don't let him tell you you're not "allowed" to do something. You're a big girl and if you want to get that tattoo then call around yourself and find out prices (but it'd be more effective to bring the photo in so they could see what you want and give you a more accurate pricing) and if you have to save up for it then do it.  

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 5:47 PM
I'm so sorry. Like all of te other ladies said men are just different with their grief... They are programmed to fix things and since they can't help is with our pain and fix it I think they tend to go in the opposite direction which means trying to make us get over it... Maybe you two can sit and talk and you an tell him how you feel... Sometimes they don't know... But don't let anyone dictate the time you grieve... Just do what you need to and ignore him of he is being mean... I hope you can fif a way to get your tattoo as well!
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