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How do I tell my kids?

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 9:57 AM
  • 16 Replies

I just found out last night that I had a missed miscarriage (commonly known as a silent miscarriage) They said the fetus died at at about 8 weeks along and I am about 12 weeks now. I am not sure what they are going to do yet cus I found out on the weekend and have yet to talk to the Dr. They want me to wait a month to see if I can pass the baby on my own. I am kinda scared but what I really want to know is how do I tell my kids. They over heard me talking about the pregnancy about a month ago and asked about it so we told them we were pregnant. As kids usually are, they are so excited. How do my husband and I share this news with them. They are 5 and 7, both girls, and so so so innocent. Please help.

by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 9:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:03 AM
I am sorry for your loss. I have 5 kids, and my husband told them before I got home from the hospital where the news was confirmed. I have no clue what he said. I think he probably just told him the baby had died.



On a side note, the baby died about a month ago but they want you to wait another month? 2 months seems like a long time :(
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Beenhereforever
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:06 AM
You just tell them . Baby didnt make it. Just be honest.
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Beenhereforever
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:07 AM
Also I am really sorry.
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sassymom444
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:07 AM

@Angela4boys- Yes I agree 2 months is a long time..and personally I don't want to go thru that. I am going to wait to talk to the Dr. on Monday but that was what they told  me the Dr. had said to them at the ER. If they give me the option of a D&C I am not really sure what I am going to do but right now I don't want to wait another month for this to happen. 

gina6239
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:17 AM

I am so sorry for your loss! I told my DD that I was pregnant as well. She is three, though, and with Christmas and family being over she completely forgot and hasn't said a word about it. If she did, I planned to tell her that we thought we were going to have a baby, but it was a mistake, and that she will be a big sis someday soon, just not right away like we thought. Good luck!

Angela4boys
by Angela on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:41 AM
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either, and from an emotional standpoint, it's going to be very difficult. When I had the confirmation, I was at the hospital... The doctors office sent me there when they couldn't find the heartbeat. The next day I went back to the dr office to discuss options. My options were to let nature take its course or induce labor. My baby had died two weeks earlier, no symptoms of miscarriage, and I needed closure, so I chose induction (I was 16 weeks).

I am really sorry you are going through this, but one good thing is, you can research your options. I really wish I would have, but it never crossed my mind. I just trusted the doctor and hospital to do the right thing, which they didn't. I was induced with a drug called cytotec/misoprostol which is not FDA approved for induction, I hemorrhaged and needed emergency surgery and a blood transfusion. I never thought to ask what they were going to use, or research the meds. If your doctor isn't willing to move forward right away, there are natural herbs that may help, you can find info online about that. My friend was able to naturally miscarry with the use of natural products from her midwife.

Lastly, use this time to think about your options. This is your baby, you can name the baby, ask for the remains for burial, etc. often drs think its best to "protect" is from seeing baby, but it really is not. Even at 8 weeks, there is a baby. Moms bond with baby from conception. Some moms can't bear see, but most often it leads to regret.

Just know you have options. We had our baby cremated, we named him ( in our case we knew it was a boy, but you can go with gender neutral names or go with gut instinct)... I think naming our baby gave our kids a way to get their feelings out. They talk about him often. We were given a memory box at the hospital, and they make things for him, draw pictures, write letters, and place it in that box. That box turned out being a great tool for them. There are also several books you can read to your kids that touch on this subject in a kid friendly way. I don't know the titles, but I have seen them mentioned on this board.

I am glad you have come to this group, it has been very helpful and healing for me. These women are so nurturing and supportive, and they all understand, having been in your shoes. Out stories are all different, yet the same.


Quoting sassymom444:

@Angela4boys- Yes I agree 2 months is a long time..and personally I don't want to go thru that. I am going to wait to talk to the Dr. on Monday but that was what they told  me the Dr. had said to them at the ER. If they give me the option of a D&C I am not really sure what I am going to do but right now I don't want to wait another month for this to happen. 

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feralkitten
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 10:58 AM
1 mom liked this

maybe just tell them something like that the baby was called back to heaven as it was not ready yet and when the baby ready it will come back ( if your gona try again )


momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:02 AM

I have two kids, DD-12 and DS-almost 3. DS is pretty little and I'm not sure how much he really understands but after we told him that the baby had to go "bye bye", he never talked to my belly or kissed it anymore. He never talks about it. DD is older and was pretty upset about the whole thing. I was almost 17w at the time and they are thinking that our baby passed a couple of weeks before that. I found out when I went in for my 16w OB appointment that there was not a heartbeat and then that's when we decided to schedule a D&C for the next day. My doctor recommended the D&C for me as the best option and when I found out that the baby had already been passed away for 2-3 weeks at the time, I didn't want to wait any longer. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. (hugs)

iSMILEheCRIES
by Gold Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:38 AM
I told my 5 and 6 year old boys (with my first mc at 9weeks) that the doctor said the baby wasn't big enough to be born so it went to Heaven. I felt that was less dramatic then saying the baby died. At my 19week mc we had to tell them the baby died but we made sure they understood it was because the baby was just too small and that she went to Heaven. I don't like them thinking that there was something "wrong" with the baby or that they did something. My exhusband (he was over visiting our son) told my 5 year old that he had to be careful not to smush the baby or stop asking to be picked up cause it would hurt the baby..I corrected him but still the kid had already heard it. My 5 year old knows that baby went to Heaven, but he still asks weekly when we will get a new baby that will grow big enough. I am sorry for your loss. You know your kids best- just think about what kinda questions they might ask and include them in the explanation. Hugs and I am so sorry
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sassymom444
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:40 AM


Quoting Angela4boys:

I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either, and from an emotional standpoint, it's going to be very difficult. When I had the confirmation, I was at the hospital... The doctors office sent me there when they couldn't find the heartbeat. The next day I went back to the dr office to discuss options. My options were to let nature take its course or induce labor. My baby had died two weeks earlier, no symptoms of miscarriage, and I needed closure, so I chose induction (I was 16 weeks).

I am really sorry you are going through this, but one good thing is, you can research your options. I really wish I would have, but it never crossed my mind. I just trusted the doctor and hospital to do the right thing, which they didn't. I was induced with a drug called cytotec/misoprostol which is not FDA approved for induction, I hemorrhaged and needed emergency surgery and a blood transfusion. I never thought to ask what they were going to use, or research the meds. If your doctor isn't willing to move forward right away, there are natural herbs that may help, you can find info online about that. My friend was able to naturally miscarry with the use of natural products from her midwife.

Lastly, use this time to think about your options. This is your baby, you can name the baby, ask for the remains for burial, etc. often drs think its best to "protect" is from seeing baby, but it really is not. Even at 8 weeks, there is a baby. Moms bond with baby from conception. Some moms can't bear see, but most often it leads to regret.

Just know you have options. We had our baby cremated, we named him ( in our case we knew it was a boy, but you can go with gender neutral names or go with gut instinct)... I think naming our baby gave our kids a way to get their feelings out. They talk about him often. We were given a memory box at the hospital, and they make things for him, draw pictures, write letters, and place it in that box. That box turned out being a great tool for them. There are also several books you can read to your kids that touch on this subject in a kid friendly way. I don't know the titles, but I have seen them mentioned on this board.

I am glad you have come to this group, it has been very helpful and healing for me. These women are so nurturing and supportive, and they all understand, having been in your shoes. Out stories are all different, yet the same.


Quoting sassymom444:

@Angela4boys- Yes I agree 2 months is a long time..and personally I don't want to go thru that. I am going to wait to talk to the Dr. on Monday but that was what they told  me the Dr. had said to them at the ER. If they give me the option of a D&C I am not really sure what I am going to do but right now I don't want to wait another month for this to happen. 

I am glad you told me that. Honestly i am so shocked and it is so sureal right now that I didn't even think about looking up my options. I definitely going to do that. Thank you so much for the help and comments. I also didn't even think about keeping the remains of the baby but I really like that idea. I know that I want to remember this baby and think that it would be good for my kids too as well. You and everyone else has been so helpful.

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