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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

DH taking it hard. Self medicating.. so not what i need right now. EDT

Posted by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 10:01 AM
  • 4 Replies

so as you you know i had a d&c for a miscarriage 3 days ago. I didnt know i was pregnant and the baby came out in the toilet at home. I am taking it a bit hard and while dh is being as supportive as he can, I think he is internalizing. Maybe because he doesnt want to upset me further, or maybe because its just too hard for him. But i know the last fe nights he hasnt been sleeping. Last night his sister gave him some xannax to help him relax and get some sleep since we have been on edge. And he took all of them! I had a hard time waking him up this morning.. and after speaking to him on the phone i just want to kill him. He sounds all doped out and confused. I know hes hurting, but trying to kill the pain with drugs is not the answer.. and not something i want to be dealing with during this time. I dont know what to do with him at this point! and he is at an urology appointment that we have been waiting a month for. I feel so embarassed that he went to the doctors like that! Im at a loss for words..

EDIT: So we got into a huge fight last night - over the same thing. He promised not to take any more and apologized, but what did he do.. he took them again last night. I flipped on him. I had asked his sister not to give any more. But thats her brother, so she probably gave in. He said he only took 2 - my ass. You dont sit on the couch with your head nodding out if you have only taken 2. We started fighting and I may have said some hurtful remarks. But I dont want to see him this way. I called him a dope head and he was extremely hurt by this. He doesnt understand I love him and the reason it pisses me off so much is because i love him and dont want to see him like that. Am i being selfish? Should back off a bit and let him greive his own way? Am I overreacting? I just think its unhealthy. I mean if he were drinking it out I dont think I would be so upset, so maybe I am overreacting a little bit.

by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 10:01 AM
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Replies (1-4):
Angela4boys
by Angela on Jan. 9, 2013 at 11:04 AM
I'm sorry you are going through that. Men and women grieve and express themselves so much differently. Maybe talk to his sister on the side and ask her not to give him anymore, she can say she is out or something. And also, maybe he needs counseling or to go to the doctor. Everyone always recommends it for us moms, but dads may really need it too. I would just try an love each other. Cuddle, as actions can sometimes speak louder than words. Try and keep the dialogue going with him, although men aren't always expressive, so it's hard at times. Maybe he will have a hard time talking about the pain, but can talk about wishes and goals, which can be good too.

Slowly things do improve, right now everything is raw and fresh. Expect more peaks and valleys rather than a gradual anything... That's more of the norm it seems. (((Hugs)))
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gabeybaby07
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 11:11 AM

Thank you. Men and women are different. Wile i tend to be more outward with my feelings, dh tends to hold them in. The whole "real men dont cry" attitude. I have already spoken to SIL and asked her not to offer any more. I want him to grieve in what ever way is comfortable for him but not to turn to drugs. We do have a 5yo at home that needs our care and needs daddy to be focused. I will suggest maybe going to see some one to talk about things.. but i doubt he will go. Hes not one to talk to anyone but me. And right now hes not even talking to me. I think its because he doesnt want to upset me, but i have a little gremlin in my the back of my head thats telling me he might be resenting me. I dont know why. I think because i feel partially at fault for losing the baby. If id had know i was pregnant, maybe i could have done something to prevent the loss. idk. but im scared hes heading down the wrong road

Quoting Angela4boys:

I'm sorry you are going through that. Men and women grieve and express themselves so much differently. Maybe talk to his sister on the side and ask her not to give him anymore, she can say she is out or something. And also, maybe he needs counseling or to go to the doctor. Everyone always recommends it for us moms, but dads may really need it too. I would just try an love each other. Cuddle, as actions can sometimes speak louder than words. Try and keep the dialogue going with him, although men aren't always expressive, so it's hard at times. Maybe he will have a hard time talking about the pain, but can talk about wishes and goals, which can be good too.

Slowly things do improve, right now everything is raw and fresh. Expect more peaks and valleys rather than a gradual anything... That's more of the norm it seems. (((Hugs)))


momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Jan. 9, 2013 at 11:55 AM

It affects the daddies too. I'm so sorry, it's still incredibly raw and fresh and hard to deal with. For him as well. It's a rollercoaster of emotions and will be that way for the both of you. Just try to talk to him as much as possible and be there for him. (hugs)

mommyofnoah208
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 12:33 PM
I am sorry. I hope you guya can talk and figure out how to support eachother
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