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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

A question about husbands (or SO's), would love some input

Posted by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:43 PM
  • 11 Replies

My husband, of course, is having a really rough time. Our loss was just on Friday. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, but baby had passed around 8-9 weeks along. We've been grieving, but every day seems to get just a tiny bit easier. We've done everything we could for the baby, we had a burial service, we just bought her a little headstone and stone angel to go next to it, we constantly burn a candle around her things in her memory.

My husband feels okay about our baby. He feels at peace and he's accepted what happened. He knows she's in heaven, she's our angel, and we can feel her all around us. But just like me, he heavily mourns over never getting to see her or raise her or do anything that we should have. He's had a rough life, but he's always been able to deal with things well. This he's struggling with. He says he thinks he should be able to cope better. He was leaving for work today and then turned around and called off because he couldn't do it.

Has anyone else had their husbands act this way? I understand his need to have time to grieve, and for wanting to be with me and her memorial, but he says he's not sure if it's normal to grieve this way, to not be able to face work. I don't know, because I'm a sahm and I only know my side of working through this. How long did everyone else's men take off of work? How did you walk them through the grief? I don't know what to tell him when he asks me what's normal. I know everyone grieves differently, but he's looking for reassurance, I guess. We discussed grief counseling but it really wouldn't do much. We're very open, we talk all the time, and we understand that she couldn't stay. He's able to talk to a friend about losing their baby, so he's not alone and he's not penting it up. It just seems to get harder.

in lovebaby girlpuppy
Babywearing, co-sleeping, exclusively breastfeeding, AP, natural birthing, happily married SAH Mommy to Katherine Isabelle, and mommy to our Angel baby, Elizabeth Rose.

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Angela4boys
by Angela on Jan. 17, 2013 at 2:28 PM
My husband was laid off a week prior to my loss. It was a really good thing. I needed him, he needed the time, and we needed the time together. Maybe he can get written out in short term disability for stress, or take FML ( not sure about the laws regarding that). Everyone grieves differently.
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momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Jan. 17, 2013 at 3:30 PM

We were pretty lucky too. My husband was able to take a week or so off when we lost the baby, his boss didn't even make him tap into his sick time or anything. He has a really great boss. I would just try to be there for him as much as you can. Sounds like he's hurting pretty bad too. (hugs)

EthansMomma2010
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 3:33 PM

 my husband never got to be with me while i was pregnant. he was TAD to another base and couldn't come home. dang i'm tearing up between this post and watching Mr. Popper's Penguins when the egg dies. anyway, my dh wasn't close to the event and he didn't really grieve much but I think what your dh is doing is normal. I kept on going to school except for the night after my loss, and it almost killed me.

Mrs.Velasquez
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 4:10 PM
Since my miscarriage was an unknown pregnancy, he was home when the baby came out. We both looked at him/her, thinking it was a tumor or cyst that I had passed.

The next day I went in by myself to find out I was pregnant and that what I had in the jar was my baby. I told him we miscarried when he got home from work.

He didn't say anything, and just stared at the wall. I saw the tears on his eyes.

He didn't take any time off. And he hasn't spoken of it. He never mentions the baby or talks about our loss. That's his way of dealing with it.
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mrs.searle
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 4:15 PM
Honestly councelling sounds like it would be really beneficial.
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Mommy4Clara
by Bronze Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 4:22 PM

I was 12 weeks pregnant when we found out our baby died a day or two earlier.  I had a missed miscarriage and had to have a D&C 10 days later.  We found out the day before Thanksgiving, so my DH was with me Thur - Sun before going back to work.  He went to work the following week and seemed ok.  I know he got a bit teared up at the doctor's office when we were told the baby had died, but that was it....

He was very supportive of me, and asked if I wanted to talk over the next two weeks.  He said he was sad, but he wanted to concentrate on other things - like the two children we already have and the fact that we will have more children in the future. He was sad, but practical about it...

I'm sorry your DH is taking it so hard. Remember that it hasn't even been a full week yet and everyone grieves differently.  Things will get easier for you both.

hugs

RheaF
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 6:31 PM

 Mine is away at training for his new job. He still has a week left, and has been trying to figure out a way to get home for the weekend, but it doesn't look like it is going to happen. I know he is hurting, for the baby and because he can't be here. He feels so guilty that he wasn't here with me when it happened and that I was alone. I think when he gets home we are going to start counsling.

cali_angel_girl
by Amy on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:32 AM

When I had my loss my dh only took a few days off work and that was mainly to just let me have a break from taking care of our dd so I could take a few days to myself.  He did care about the loss of our angel but it didn't affect him as much as it did me.  I would just keep doing what your doing and be there for him and talk to each other ((hugs))

mandybimama
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:42 AM
SO was upset by my most recent loss but after the first few days he started to remind me that its ok to hurt but we will have a baby together (DD isn't biologically his) and that the pregnancy ending was just a minor set back in ttc. On the days that are still particularly hard for me (mostly when I would've been hitting a milestone with the pregnacy) he reminds me that our little angel is watching over us from heaven.
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schatzi869
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:43 AM
My husband kept on with life with both of our miscarriages. Our first miscarriage didn't seem to bother him much (our relationship was relatively new) but this one hurt him a little more. He was excited. We've been ttc since our son's first birthday...so three years.



Maybe your husband told his friends and doesn't want to have to face them and explain what happened. Maybe he doesn't want hem to feel bad for him. This was the worst part for me with the first one.

When i was pregnant with my son i only told my sister and my bff until after the first ultrasound. I didn't even tell my husband until afterward.



Quoting Turtledoves:

My husband, of course, is having a really rough time. Our loss was just on Friday. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, but baby had passed around 8-9 weeks along. We've been grieving, but every day seems to get just a tiny bit easier. We've done everything we could for the baby, we had a burial service, we just bought her a little headstone and stone angel to go next to it, we constantly burn a candle around her things in her memory.

My husband feels okay about our baby. He feels at peace and he's accepted what happened. He knows she's in heaven, she's our angel, and we can feel her all around us. But just like me, he heavily mourns over never getting to see her or raise her or do anything that we should have. He's had a rough life, but he's always been able to deal with things well. This he's struggling with. He says he thinks he should be able to cope better. He was leaving for work today and then turned around and called off because he couldn't do it.

Has anyone else had their husbands act this way? I understand his need to have time to grieve, and for wanting to be with me and her memorial, but he says he's not sure if it's normal to grieve this way, to not be able to face work. I don't know, because I'm a sahm and I only know my side of working through this. How long did everyone else's men take off of work? How did you walk them through the grief? I don't know what to tell him when he asks me what's normal. I know everyone grieves differently, but he's looking for reassurance, I guess. We discussed grief counseling but it really wouldn't do much. We're very open, we talk all the time, and we understand that she couldn't stay. He's able to talk to a friend about losing their baby, so he's not alone and he's not penting it up. It just seems to get harder.



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