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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

What if's...

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:08 PM
  • 19 Replies
It's now a week exactly since I started miscarrying (bleeding) and now I'm just random brown spotting. I know it's over and I had my levels drawn 2 days ago, they were down to 23 so I've given up hoping the dr was wrong but I still find myself thinking about the "what it's".

What if I hadn't gotten the flu?
What if I hadn't drank coffee?
What if I hadn't gone to the football game?
And more...

Im tired of hearing "these things happen for a reason". I want someone or something to blame, even if i only have myself to blame. Does anyone else feel this way?
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by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gigisunshine
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:23 PM
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I always feel that exact same way. What if I didn't exercise so much or what if I didn't take enough vitamins etc.. Everyone always tells me some things happen for a reason, that maybe the bigger picture is that I was never meant to be a mother and there is a reason for that. I don't believe that. I actually don't know what I believe but I do know that if I could just blame something ANYTHING that maybe I could sleep at night. I wish I had more answers for you. I've had 6 miscarriages and it gets harder everytime and I feel your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Laurajc06
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:26 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry for your losses too. It helps to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel.

Quoting gigisunshine:

I always feel that exact same way. What if I didn't exercise so much or what if I didn't take enough vitamins etc.. Everyone always tells me some things happen for a reason, that maybe the bigger picture is that I was never meant to be a mother and there is a reason for that. I don't believe that. I actually don't know what I believe but I do know that if I could just blame something ANYTHING that maybe I could sleep at night. I wish I had more answers for you. I've had 6 miscarriages and it gets harder everytime and I feel your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

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Cal2006
by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:30 PM
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Don't blame yourself. My doctor told me repeatedly, I did everything they asked of me there was nothing that I could have done to prevent this. Yet, I think well during the break I drank two dr. Peppers (but I was still within 200mg of caffeine). I didn't eat enough eggs, or veggies. I think it is natural to want to blame ourselves, we were the package the baby was in after all. But don't. It wasn't your fault. I don't want to blame someone as much as I want to know why. But if blame helps, blame God. He is big enough to take it. Know that you are not alone...we all feel the pain and want something to make it better. Unfortunately, I haven't found anything to do that after my 4 losses. But I can tell you the past week, being on this site has helped me a lot.  (I had my D&C on the 10th)

Samantha1114
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this

There is never any way to tell. I blamed myself for my mc bc I had an infection, but, it doesn't do you any good to blame yourself. I don't know why things happen, I really don't. I hope that there's a reason, but there's no way to know for sure. All we can really do is go through the process and help each other out along the way...

Devious103102
by Priscilla on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:00 PM
1 mom liked this

(((hugs))) all. the. time.

Namaste09
by Samantha on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:07 PM
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Yes I really do feel that way at sometimes. I horseback ride and everybody kept trying to tell me I shouldn't but I was going to ride for as long as possible. I stressed big time over finding a new car right at Christmas time after mine broke down at 2am. I keep thinking what if I didn't do these things.
At the end of the day I remind my self though that it was nothing I did and its all science and happened for a reason. It's not way but I think we all go through a time of blaming ourselves.
It's been 2 weeks as of today I find I am starting to feel more like me again but it's still in back of my mind constantly and I don't think it will ever go away.
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momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Jan. 25, 2013 at 4:12 PM
1 mom liked this

The what if's never really go away. I think it's pretty normal and we know it's not our fault, we're just trying to fill in the blanks. I'm so sorry for your loss. (hugs)

iSMILEheCRIES
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:03 PM
1 mom liked this

 With my first loss I had a doctor (some random doc in an old office I went to), tell me not to blame myself.  He said there is nothing you can do to cause a miscarriage.  He said he has seen women try to give themselves abortions with screw drivers and they still didn't lose their babies so there was no way I unknowingly hurt a baby I desperately wanted.  And still I wonder what if....  Hang in there honey, I am sorry for your loss.

EAzizM
by Erica on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:09 PM
1 mom liked this
I am sorry for your loss...blaming yourself (or anyone else) will do no good. You will grow resentful. It took me a bit to realize that no one was to blame. I grieved but never placed blame. Hugs.
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Angela4boys
by Angela on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:54 PM
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Many of us do it. Blame is one of the phases of grief. I'm sorry, it's hard to have no answer. I was given a probable reason after my first... But it wasn't definitive, so I have thoughts that creep in.

(((Hugs)))
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