When i was 17 i had a miscarriage. Its been three years since but the pain only seems to get more difficult to deal with. You see no one knows about it, not even the guy involved. I was about a month into the pregnancy when it happened. I knew it was a month because obviously i missed my period but at the time i didn't know because I'm slightly irregular so i hadn't really thought of the possibility. A month in i started getting very bad cramps and i was spotting. On the night that it happened i was using the bathroom, when i started getting strong cramps to the point i couldn't get up. Because its normal for me to have strong cramps i thought it was just because i had missed a month. After that i felt something slide out and the cramps slowly went away. As i got up i looked down at the toilet and saw what looked like a clot of blood, decided i had started my period, it wasn't until i flushed and the water washed off some of the blood that i realized what had happened. I think a big part if why i haven't told anyone is because i feel so horrible fir what happened. In my mind i flushed away my baby. I dont know how it might sound to other people but its a guilty feeling for me. After that happened i fell into a depression and naturally people noticed it but i guess no one cared to ask. I didnt tell the guy because i felt like it was something i had keep to myself. I dont know why i thought that way at the time i just felt it was better he never found out. I started this post without an introduction because i feel like im drowning in my own pain, because im tired of dealing with this alone, because i want someone to tell me it wasnt my fault to help me live with this. I wouldve done anything to have had my baby despite being so young. And i know maybe it was gods way if saying i just wasnt ready but i would see all these other girls younger than me having babies and i couldnt have mine? Its a pain nan emptiness i just don't know how to deal with. So i ask with a weak heart for help, for someone to talk to because i just cant do it alone anymore. Thank you for taking the time.
on Jan. 27, 2013 at 7:03 PM