A movie just tore me to pieces.
That is all it was, a minute and maybe 30 second scene that just completely hurt me. I had my first miscarriage almost a year and a half ago, and my second will be a year in March. Neither were planned, and I am 18 now and was well very stupid at the time. Although I was smart enough to know I did not want babies right now, but we did not properly protect ourselves. Anyways, I was watching the movie "What to Expect When Your Expecting", and there is a miscarriage scene by my favorite actress. Within moments I was heart broken and was sobbing. I've seen the movie before and I teared up then, but it is like I was finally dealing with everything and getting back on track then BAM! For MONTHS after my miscarriages I did not want sex at all. I love my boyfriend (we have been together for over a year and a half), and I feel absolutely horrible. I cannot feel that connection because I am too afraid that I will get pregnant again and lose it. I do not want a baby until I am done with all of my college and medical schooling, but I do not want to ever experience this again. He understands, it does get tough but he is always there to say that it is okay. I am now 100% educated on everything birthcontrol and such, but my second pregnancy was because the condom broke. Now it is just difficult.
Anyways, things started getting better a month or so ago and I have been really happy ever since. Enjoying what is left of my "teenage" years. Trying to focus on college and all of the wonderful things in life that lie ahead, but this one scene out of a MOVIE, just ripped me apart. I felt like it happened yesterday, and I feel guilty. Guilty for putting myself in that position, guilty as if it is my fault I lost them, and guilty as I am complaining now to you wonderful ladies who a lot of you have this situation far worse than I do. I cannot talk to people my age, because they do not understand. They try, but they cannot. This is why I am here, because at times like this, I just need someone to tell me everything is fine and what happened happened. This scene just wow. Made me realize how harsh life can be. If I cannot watch a simple scene from a movie, how am I going to do what I want to do as a career? I want to be a neonatologist; I want to save new lives that should not be taken so soon. I never want to tell a parent they lost their child, but I do want to save young lives.
Thank you for hearing me rant, I am just unbelievably confused right now and emotional.