Barely breathing after Stillbirth
I didn't know where else to turn, so thought, even if I didn't actually get to meet new people or get any information, I would at least be able to vent or tell our story and maybe feel a little better?...
Feb 1st was our due date for our little Missy Mo. I had been in L&D many times since I was 23 weeks, going into labor, and luckily all the times they were able to stop it. I was put on bed rest at the same time, since I had kept going into labor and spotting/bleeding almost on a daily basis. When I was 36 weeks I went into labor again, I was thinking, maybe this time they will do my c-section and we will finally have our baby girl. Contractions every 5-6 minutes, her heartrate was jumping all over the place, surely this was it, I was in labor, now to prepare myself for my c-section. Well that didn't happen, the dr on call said to stop my labor again, make sure my contractions wore off completely and send me home. I was shocked. I had taken meds for contractions, high blood pressure (I was teetering preeclampsia once again), so I didn't know why they would make me go til Jan 25 for my scheduled c-section. Jan 19th came and it was my oldest son's birthday, he was turning 18, so we did a little running around, the dr said I could do stuff now as long as it wasn't a lot. Game stop, went into Babies R Us and Once upon a child to look for a boppy, as I would be nursing, and then went home. Not too much. That day I hadn't felt her move, didn't know if it was because I was so tired from going from doing nothing to just going to a few places, thought maybe she was sleeping because everytime we would go for a ride in the car, she would move for a few minutes then sleep for what seemed ours. That night we pushed on my belly, seeing if she would move, she "flipped" so thought, ok, she's just being stubborn and not wanting to move around tonight. The next day. Jan 20th, I took a bath just to see her move, nothing. I pushed on my belly, rolled from side to side, nothing. When her daddy got home from work I told him, something's wrong, she's not moving. So he tried. Still, nothing. So we decided to run to L&D to get her checked out. A few times before she hadn't been moving, and as soon as they put anything on my belly she got mad and kicked me like crazy. I told him, here we go again, she is going to be stubborn then get there and I will be hurting from kicking so much! We walked in, they told me to pee in a cup, which I couldn't, never can on demand. Hooked me up to check for contradtions, then hooked me up to find her heartbeat. I knew something was wrong when the 2nd nurse came in and said, we're going to lay you way down, to get her to move, she's probably in your back which is harder to pick up her heartbeat. Right then I knew, something was wrong, really wrong. Next comes in the ultrasound tech, who had done ultrasounds on me many times everytime I went into labor. She said nothing, they all walked out. My fiance followed demanding to know what's going on. The nurse walked in, with an IV, and he was right behind her in tears, I knew without being told our baby girl was gone. I asked her, to just tell me the truth, she said, sister, I'm not the one who is supposed to tell you this, it is the dr on call when he gets here, but I don't think you should have to wait that long. There is no heartbeat, I'm sorry, she's gone. I was 38 weeks. Everything went to quickly all of a sudden, I kept on thinking that poor lady next to me, who was being monitored had to be thinking crazy things at that point too. We went into my room, they wanted blood, why? She was gone, did it really matter anymore? They wanted to swab me for this and that and I just laid there in a daze. They kept on asking me, if I had any questions. How could I ask anything when I still couldn't wrap around the fact our daughter had died. They tried to put an iv in my hand, I didn't care, didn't move, so it ended up in my arm. Still have those damn bruises today. As we get ready to go into surgery, my fiance said, when will I get ready to go with her? They said, under the circumstances, you can't go in. I started crying and wasn't going to go in there unless he was right there with me. They can't tell us sorry your daughter is gone, but now you have to do this solo. Wasn't happening. I would have left the hospital before I went in there without him. Luckily the dr on call said of course he could be there with me, and to get him ready. I remember being wheeled into that cold bright room. Hoping they were wrong, knowing, just knowing, she would start crying once they took her our. They tried 5 times to get the epidural in, again I didn't care, I didn't cooperate at all, but they finally got it in. Next thing I know, they show us our beautiful baby girl. No cries, no movement, nothing. Then I knew for sure she was really gone. I just kept asking, am I able to hold her? They said once I got back into my room we could spend as much time with her as we wanted. I called our kids (I have 5 from a previous marriage and he has 2, she was our 1st together) and told them, we had Missy Mo, our daughter said, I knew it! They were all on speaker, my mom had been here for 2 months to help me while on bed rest, she knew already, and was waiting for me to tell them the rest. All I could say was, but she didn't make it. Silence. In all the time I've been a mom, our home had never been silent. Until that day. An hour or so later 4 of the 5 came to see us and Missy Mo. My 16 year old didn't come, he lost his twin early on, and I think it was bringing back too many memories. We all cried, took pictures of her with each of the kids there. Then something I would have never thought of doing, but am now so thankful, one of the nurses said a photographer was there and would like to take pictures of our baby. No, I didn't want her to take pictures of OUR baby, I didn't want to share her with anyone, but I simply said Ok. Then the nurses said we need to make arrangements for her. Why? Wasn't she coming home with us? Why would I need to call someone to take her away from us. It didn't make sense. Luckily my fiance knew what was going on and started to take care of things. I kept on thinking she might wake up and it will all be a big mistake and she was going home with us. There is so much that is a blur of that day, then there are so many memories. My 16 year old came the next day, ready to see his little sister. But they had already taken her to the funeral home. I was so upset he didn't get to say good-bye. He didn't get to see her, hold her, even see her picture all too well on our camera. A week to the day of us having our baby girl, we got in a slideshow and pictures of her. She was so perfect. We all cried seeing her so perfect, she looked like she was sleeping. We finally got her back home. She's in an urn way too big for her little body, next to our fireplace, with her pictures around her. Brings some kind of comfort, but makes us miss her even more.
I guess that's a lot in one post, so I will leave it at that for now. I go back to my ob on Wed, hoping to find out some kind of answers on why, and what happened, but I honestly don't think we will ever know why our MIssy Mo was taken away from us.