I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have 3 group projects I am supposed to be working on right now and every time I get on the internet I look up baby names and I look at baby items and I get on CM acting as if I am preparing to start ttc again. In the real world, I talk about how much these projects suck and how I am so excited about my nephew and how excited I am for graduation and blah blah blah. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth nowadays is a lie.
I am so not ok. I don't care at all about my projects, which makes me feel bad because I know I am the drag on all of my groups. I am not about to start ttc any time soon. In fact, it may be years before I get another baby. I do love my nephew, but I the thought of him doesn't bring excitement to my heart--it brings pain because it reminds me of what I missed out on. I feel like such a shitty aunt and I can't tell the truth to anyone--not even dh. The fact that they almost named him Elijah the morning he was born still feels like a dagger in the heart even though they went a different route. The fact that they CONSIDERED it when I have talked to sil multiple times about my angel who we named Eli still hurts. She was the one person in dh's family who I thought remembered my angel and now I feel like he has been completely forgotten on that side.
All I want is a baby right now but it is not in the cards. I have to finish school and start my new job in May. Dh has at least one more year to go, most likely more, and he doesn't want to be in school when the baby is born. I feel like the only way I can start to heal is by ttc and eventually having another baby. Ds is 3 now and I don't want him to be halfway grown before a baby joins the family. I am close in age to my siblings and absolutely loved growing up with them.
I am so happy for all the women in this group who are pregnant. Whenever I see an announcement I truly get happy for them and my heart knots up when I hear about scares and fears and all that. That being said, it is getting harder and harder for me to spend too much time in this group. This is the only place I feel like I can say what's really on my mind (hence this impossibly long post) but I am starting to feel more stuck as I watch everyone else move forward while I am in the same place I was a year ago.
I year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant. A year ago today I went to class with a smile on my face and in my heart, as well as the knowledge of one of the best secrets I could have. A classmate had a dream the night before that I'd had another baby (a boy) and she would not stop talking about it all day. It did not take me long before I told my parents and siblings and dh's sisters and 3 of my friends. Dh then told his mom and brother.
Two weeks. All that happened in the course of 2 weeks before I started bleeding. A little at first--in the morning on the 20th--exactly 14 days after I found out I was pregnant. So lightly that I didn't even bother with a pad. I figured it was just some light spotting, even though I had never spotted with ds. Every pregnancy is different, right? I barely noticed that my accute sense of smell was suddenly gone and I no longer felt like I could fall asleep standing up. By the time I was getting ready to go to bed, though, the bleeding picked up. I finally got the guts to tell dh, even though saying it out loud scared me. Then I put on a pad and called my mom, who told me she had never spotted before so she didn't know how much was too much. I called my ob hotline. The dr called back about 15 minutes later and told me they'd call in the morning to see if things were better. I couldn't sleep because the cramps hurt so much and the fear cut too deep.
The next morning I could not have been more alert in the class that I slept through every single day because I was waiting on a call from the dr to check on my progress. The bleeding was worse. I scheduled an appointment and left class right away. I made the 30 minute drive to my ob alone and told myself to keep it together in the waiting room. I looked around and saw so many pregnant women without a care in the world. They probably could see the fear in my eyes and assumed I was some young girl who was terrified she might be pregnant. When the nurse came in and called my name, I went up there determined to remain dry eyed. She asked me what was going on and I burst into tears and couldn't breathe. They didn't take me to the regular exam room but instead to the US room, where the walls were decorated with the pictures of the babies delivered by the practice. My womb was empty.
They couldn't even find the sac and I thought they were accusing me of not ever being pregnant. I swore left and right that it was a blood test that told me I was pregnant, thinking somehow this could change their approach. My dr was seeing a patient so they told me I had to wait until he was done and then he'd be right with me. I went to the bathroom before going with them and then felt a large clot fall into the toilet. It scared me so much that I just flushed and didn't look back. How could I not look back? Surely I knew then that was my only chance to look at my baby?
To my surprise, they didn't take me to an exam room once again, but instead to his office. I waited a while and once he walked in I started crying all over again. I don't remember everything he told me but I do remember him saying it wasn't my fault, it was most likely chromosomal, and not to feel bad if 6 months down the road a billboard with a baby on it makes me burst into tears (how right he was...). He said he had no reason to believe I would have a problem carrying a child again as I had ds without a single complication. That was February 21, 2012.
When I started writing this post, I had no idea it would be this long or that I would even tell my full story. I guess I did because those are the events that have been replaying in my head over and over and over again the past couple of days. I keep listening to the song Tears in Heaven and crying my eyes out. I want someone to talk to in person, but I don't want to talk to a complete stranger and no one in my life says the right things. I don't want to hear that I am still young and have plenty of time to have more kids. I don't want to hear anything about God's plan or that I should pray to Eli. I have been praying to him for a year. I just want God to send me a sign that things will get better. I want to dream of my baby. I am sick of crying myself to sleep only to have dreams of me crying. I want to hold MY baby in my arms. I want to be miserably sick for 9 months and have such an accute sense of smell that I can point out all the smokers in a movie theater. I want to feel a baby moving around inside me and I want to see the excitement on my son's face when he holds his baby brother or sister. And I don't want to have to wait 5 years for all of this to happen.
I am sorry this is so long. I think I needed to write it, though.