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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Torn

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:41 PM
  • 18 Replies

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have 3 group projects I am supposed to be working on right now and every time I get on the internet I look up baby names and I look at baby items and I get on CM acting as if I am preparing to start ttc again. In the real world, I talk about how much these projects suck and how I am so excited about my nephew and how excited I am for graduation and blah blah blah. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth nowadays is a lie.

I am so not ok. I don't care at all about my projects, which makes me feel bad because I know I am the drag on all of my groups. I am not about to start ttc any time soon. In fact, it may be years before I get another baby. I do love my nephew, but I the thought of him doesn't bring excitement to my heart--it brings pain because it reminds me of what I missed out on. I feel like such a shitty aunt and I can't tell the truth to anyone--not even dh. The fact that they almost named him Elijah the morning he was born still feels like a dagger in the heart even though they went a different route. The fact that they CONSIDERED it when I have talked to sil multiple times about my angel who we named Eli still hurts. She was the one person in dh's family who I thought remembered my angel and now I feel like he has been completely forgotten on that side.

All I want is a baby right now but it is not in the cards. I have to finish school and start my new job in May. Dh has at least one more year to go, most likely more, and he doesn't want to be in school when the baby is born. I feel like the only way I can start to heal is by ttc and eventually having another baby. Ds is 3 now and I don't want him to be halfway grown before a baby joins the family. I am close in age to my siblings and absolutely loved growing up with them.

I am so happy for all the women in this group who are pregnant. Whenever I see an announcement I truly get happy for them and my heart knots up when I hear about scares and fears and all that. That being said, it is getting harder and harder for me to spend too much time in this group. This is the only place I feel like I can say what's really on my mind (hence this impossibly long post) but I am starting to feel more stuck as I watch everyone else move forward while I am in the same place I was a year ago.

I year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant. A year ago today I went to class with a smile on my face and in my heart, as well as the knowledge of one of the best secrets I could have. A classmate had a dream the night before that I'd had another baby (a boy) and she would not stop talking about it all day. It did not take me long before I told my parents and siblings and dh's sisters and 3 of my friends. Dh then told his mom and brother. 

Two weeks. All that happened in the course of 2 weeks before I started bleeding. A little at first--in the morning on the 20th--exactly 14 days after I found out I was pregnant. So lightly that I didn't even bother with a pad. I figured it was just some light spotting, even though I had never spotted with ds. Every pregnancy is different, right? I barely noticed that my accute sense of smell was suddenly gone and I no longer felt like I could fall asleep standing up. By the time I was getting ready to go to bed, though, the bleeding picked up. I finally got the guts to tell dh, even though saying it out loud scared me. Then I put on a pad and called my mom, who told me she had never spotted before so she didn't know how much was too much. I called my ob hotline. The dr called back about 15 minutes later and told me they'd call in the morning to see if things were better. I couldn't sleep because the cramps hurt so much and the fear cut too deep.

The next morning I could not have been more alert in the class that I slept through every single day because I was waiting on a call from the dr to check on my progress. The bleeding was worse. I scheduled an appointment and left class right away. I made the 30 minute drive to my ob alone and told myself to keep it together in the waiting room. I looked around and saw so many pregnant women without a care in the world. They probably could see the fear in my eyes and assumed I was some young girl who was terrified she might be pregnant. When the nurse came in and called my name, I went up there determined to remain dry eyed. She asked me what was going on and I burst into tears and couldn't breathe. They didn't take me to the regular exam room but instead to the US room, where the walls were decorated with the pictures of the babies delivered by the practice. My womb was empty. 

They couldn't even find the sac and I thought they were accusing me of not ever being pregnant. I swore left and right that it was a blood test that told me I was pregnant, thinking somehow this could change their approach. My dr was seeing a patient so they told me I had to wait until he was done and then he'd be right with me. I went to the bathroom before going with them and then felt a large clot fall into the toilet. It scared me so much that I just flushed and didn't look back. How could I not look back? Surely I knew then that was my only chance to look at my baby?

To my surprise, they didn't take me to an exam room once again, but instead to his office. I waited a while and once he walked in I started crying all over again. I don't remember everything he told me but I do remember him saying it wasn't my fault, it was most likely chromosomal, and not to feel bad if 6 months down the road a billboard with a baby on it makes me burst into tears (how right he was...). He said he had no reason to believe I would have a problem carrying a child again as I had ds without a single complication. That was February 21, 2012.

When I started writing this post, I had no idea it would be this long or that I would even tell my full story. I guess I did because those are the events that have been replaying in my head over and over and over again the past couple of days. I keep listening to the song Tears in Heaven and crying my eyes out. I want someone to talk to in person, but I don't want to talk to a complete stranger and no one in my life says the right things. I don't want to hear that I am still young and have plenty of time to have more kids. I don't want to hear anything about God's plan or that I should pray to Eli. I have been praying to him for a year. I just want God to send me a sign that things will get better. I want to dream of my baby. I am sick of crying myself to sleep only to have dreams of me crying. I want to hold MY baby in my arms. I want to be miserably sick for 9 months and have such an accute sense of smell that I can point out all the smokers in a movie theater. I want to feel a baby moving around inside me and I want to see the excitement on my son's face when he holds his baby brother or sister. And I don't want to have to wait 5 years for all of this to happen.

I am sorry this is so long. I think I needed to write it, though.

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:59 PM

I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing your story, it really brought tears to my eyes. (hugs)

whatssleep
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:59 PM
1 mom liked this
*hugs* I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and it shattered me to pieces. I know how you feel. I was worried I'd never have a baby then to add insult to injury my SO decided he wanted to wait a couple years before trying again. I thought I had one shot and lost it. Each friend that announced their great news and shows like Teen Mom I torchered myself with we're like a kick in the gut! I do have a 1 year old now and I couldn't be more grateful! I'm not sure what to offer you. I could say seek therapy or try antidepressants but I didn't and the pain stuck with me till I finally had my son. I guess I I we're you I'd really sit and talk it out with your husband about it. It may seem like its not the right time to try but I dont think there ever really is a "right time" or if you have some idea when you'll try it may ease your mind. I want another and we are talking about trying in July it's a while off but I don't feel impatient I feel like it might actually happen and that makes me happy. I hope you feel better soon tho :)
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cali_angel_girl
by Amy on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:02 PM

((hugs))

ragitty
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:57 PM

Thank you. I feel like the only thing that will help is ttc. I have talked to him and he has not completely shut out the idea of starting some time in the next year. I am thinking hopefully some time in November/December, which would give me a year of working at my new job and allow him to get another full year of school under his belt. Ds would be going on 5 (which is really hard on me) but I know there are plenty of people who actually plan their kids to be 5 years apart. Dh sees how much pain I am in and I have told him I think the only thing that will help is a baby, but I don't want to feel like I am forcing him into it.


Quoting whatssleep:

*hugs* I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and it shattered me to pieces. I know how you feel. I was worried I'd never have a baby then to add insult to injury my SO decided he wanted to wait a couple years before trying again. I thought I had one shot and lost it. Each friend that announced their great news and shows like Teen Mom I torchered myself with we're like a kick in the gut! I do have a 1 year old now and I couldn't be more grateful! I'm not sure what to offer you. I could say seek therapy or try antidepressants but I didn't and the pain stuck with me till I finally had my son. I guess I I we're you I'd really sit and talk it out with your husband about it. It may seem like its not the right time to try but I dont think there ever really is a "right time" or if you have some idea when you'll try it may ease your mind. I want another and we are talking about trying in July it's a while off but I don't feel impatient I feel like it might actually happen and that makes me happy. I hope you feel better soon tho :)



daniellerjones
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:08 AM
1 mom liked this

I wrote my post for the first time exactly a year after my m/c...and that was just a week ago.It sounds like we miscarried close to the same time.I have no children and my hubby and I have been ttc 3.5 years.I finally got pregnant for the first time in 12/11. The coolest part was that we found out on Christmas Day.I saw my baby's heartbeat on 1/18/12.I started spotting brown around 1/26,U/S confirmed heartbeat had stopped on 1/27 and I had a complete natural M/C on 1/31.Im in the same boat though as far as emotions go. It took 2.5 years to get that far and it was taken away so quickly.its been a year since and doctors say me and DH are perfectly fine, no reason to be infertile.Im 27 so of course all my friends and family that are my age, are pregnant or have had babies recently....which does make it soo much worse.You want to be happy for them and are.....but you feel like a bad person because you can't stop thinking why can't that be me dammit!!When is it my turn and just a general wtf!?!

Not only does it hurt...but then we beat ourselves up for having those " selfish" feelings.Ive never said any of this to anyone because I can't relate to anyone or talk to anyone around me either.Everyone always says it'll get better and easier.The only way I see it getting better is getting pregnant again and having a child to hold.Just one child is all Im asking for.

Like you...I've cried myself asleep countless nights and I am really good at hiding it.Silly things trigger my sadness and I go somewhere I can cry alone.I have an amazing hubby and can tell him anything BUT I Can't talk to him about this.To him and the world I have always been optimistic, super positive and never bitchy,weepy or emotional.

I do refuse to blame God.I don't want that on my conscience too.I'm a believer but I don't want to pray anymore.Ive done plenty and frankly I even feel guilty about that.I don't want to pray about my own "selfish" wants when in reality my life is very blessed.

I want all the same things you want.I want to be miserably pregnant.I want my boobs to feel like they are going to explode if anything barely touches them.I don't care if I feel like Im physically dying everyday as long as I have a healthy baby growing in me.sorry my reply is soo long too, but I never would have thought I would tell my story...the true story...either.Your post really caught my attention though because of the similarities.Im glad to know, that even after a year, there is someone else out there who feels the same pain,fear and anger as I do.

I don't want hugs and kisses and sorry for loss comments all the time,even though they are well received and appreciated to those who give him.I just want to know that someone feels like me and that it doesn't mean we are selfish.


ragitty
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:16 AM

It would appear that we have very similar wants. I feel so bad that I have a wonderful son yet all I want is another baby. I feel really guilty when I hear about women who have had multiple miscarraiges and no children, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like I was born to be the mother of multiple children. 

I am glad you shared your story too, because the best part of being in a support group (in my opinion) is finding people who know exactly how you feel and can give you more than the standard responses. I can't let myself be mad at God because I know there are people out there with much worse situations and it would not be fair to them. I still pray and go to church and believe with all my heart, but I just want to KNOW His plan, and not simply trust in it. I want to know where I am going--to see the light at the end of this terrible tunnel.


Quoting daniellerjones:

I wrote my post for the first time exactly a year after my m/c...and that was just a week ago.It sounds like we miscarried close to the same time.I have no children and my hubby and I have been ttc 3.5 years.I finally got pregnant for the first time in 12/11. The coolest part was that we found out on Christmas Day.I saw my baby's heartbeat on 1/18/12.I started spotting brown around 1/26,U/S confirmed heartbeat had stopped on 1/27 and I had a complete natural M/C on 1/31.Im in the same boat though as far as emotions go. It took 2.5 years to get that far and it was taken away so quickly.its been a year since and doctors say me and DH are perfectly fine, no reason to be infertile.Im 27 so of course all my friends and family that are my age, are pregnant or have had babies recently....which does make it soo much worse.You want to be happy for them and are.....but you feel like a bad person because you can't stop thinking why can't that be me dammit!!When is it my turn and just a general wtf!?!

Not only does it hurt...but then we beat ourselves up for having those " selfish" feelings.Ive never said any of this to anyone because I can't relate to anyone or talk to anyone around me either.Everyone always says it'll get better and easier.The only way I see it getting better is getting pregnant again and having a child to hold.Just one child is all Im asking for.

Like you...I've cried myself asleep countless nights and I am really good at hiding it.Silly things trigger my sadness and I go somewhere I can cry alone.I have an amazing hubby and can tell him anything BUT I Can't talk to him about this.To him and the world I have always been optimistic, super positive and never bitchy,weepy or emotional.

I do refuse to blame God.I don't want that on my conscience too.I'm a believer but I don't want to pray anymore.Ive done plenty and frankly I even feel guilty about that.I don't want to pray about my own "selfish" wants when in reality my life is very blessed.

I want all the same things you want.I want to be miserably pregnant.I want my boobs to feel like they are going to explode if anything barely touches them.I don't care if I feel like Im physically dying everyday as long as I have a healthy baby growing in me.sorry my reply is soo long too, but I never would have thought I would tell my story...the true story...either.Your post really caught my attention though because of the similarities.Im glad to know, that even after a year, there is someone else out there who feels the same pain,fear and anger as I do.

I don't want hugs and kisses and sorry for loss comments all the time,even though they are well received and appreciated to those who give him.I just want to know that someone feels like me and that it doesn't mean we are selfish.




tmma_the_witch
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 1:56 AM

sorry for your loss. Tomorrow will be 1 year since i MC and it hurts me to think that both my sil are prego right now and will have a baby near or in sept when my baby was due. i was almost 10 wks when i mc. when i felt that clot come down i actually pulled out of teh toilet and saw the baby in there. it scares me that i actually saw it because it made it so real that i had lost my baby. my hubby and i are ttc now but i fear that i will mc again if it does happen. just know that we might be strangers on here but we have all gone through some heartbreak and are more than willing to talk to you. sending a huge hug your way.

Mommy4Clara
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 2:22 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. I read your full story and understand why you and DH feel the need to wait on a baby, but I also know the waiting in limbo must be driving you nuts. Perhaps you would feel better if you and Dh had aspecific date. You said you will graduate in May and your hubby a year later, why not plan too ttc in May 2014? I know that seems ridiculously far away, but having a real date light help you, instead of thinking it could be 5 years away....
The only thing that has helped me since my loss is the knowledge that I will have another baby soon, and I feel like the one I lost will come back to me. I was 12 weeks when my baby's heart stopped beating. It was a horrific shock because we had heard the heart beat just 4 weeks prior. From talking with others, the only way to move on, is to have that next baby. It has only been 10 weeks for me, and my DH and I decided to ttc next month. The waiting is annoying, but having that date in mind has helped the weeks pass....
Good luck to you.
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Angela4boys
by Angela on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this
I am so sorry :( I didn't read the other replies, so this may be a broken record. Just TTC! I know it's not in the plan, but there is just no perfect or right time for baby, and yet the time is ALWAYS perfect. If you get pregnant, it's Gods time and everything will fall perfectly into place, you will make things work.

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you, or your feelings.
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ragitty
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:47 AM

I don't think we could really set a date because dh doesn't really want to think of that right now. Also, I don't think he will be graduating next year because he is going to be transferring schools with my new job so that will push back his graduation date even further. I am praying I can convince him to start ttc some time next fall/winter but who knows...


Quoting Mommy4Clara:

I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. I read your full story and understand why you and DH feel the need to wait on a baby, but I also know the waiting in limbo must be driving you nuts. Perhaps you would feel better if you and Dh had aspecific date. You said you will graduate in May and your hubby a year later, why not plan too ttc in May 2014? I know that seems ridiculously far away, but having a real date light help you, instead of thinking it could be 5 years away....
The only thing that has helped me since my loss is the knowledge that I will have another baby soon, and I feel like the one I lost will come back to me. I was 12 weeks when my baby's heart stopped beating. It was a horrific shock because we had heard the heart beat just 4 weeks prior. From talking with others, the only way to move on, is to have that next baby. It has only been 10 weeks for me, and my DH and I decided to ttc next month. The waiting is annoying, but having that date in mind has helped the weeks pass....
Good luck to you.



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