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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Hard time dealing with these feelings

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:11 PM
  • 24 Replies
I'm not really sure how to feel about this. Part of why I think I lost it a week or two ago, was because I feel like I didn't honored my baby. There was no hiding what happened with my first loss because I was 16 weeks. But the second loss, we hadn't told anyone, I was 9 weeks. But this is where I'm feeling bad :( I really don't want to announce it to the world, I don't want the kids to have to experience loss again...BUT, I also feel bad, almost as if the baby was hidden, or not important enough to be known. I want to be able to pay tribute to the baby, but not really want to deal with explaining or hurting the other kids.



Does this even make sense? I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
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by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Focused_Mom
by Silver Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:42 PM
It makes sense to me. You wanted to save everyone else the hurt of losing the baby but in turn hurt yourself by not letting everyone know. If everyone knew they would be able to grieve with you and you would be able to let people know how much the baby is loved. I really don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know much your baby is loved and missed very much. I don't know how I would handle telling people either. Dh and I are trying again but we struggle over whether we tell people or not if God does bless us with another baby.
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Angela4boys
by Angela on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:48 PM
Yes! And after my first loss, I felt like there was really no reason to wait to announce, which I had always done. I learned the reality in that there was no "safe" zone until you had baby in your arms. But, when I actually got pregnant, I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to put my kids through it again.

Quoting Focused_Mom:

It makes sense to me. You wanted to save everyone else the hurt of losing the baby but in turn hurt yourself by not letting everyone know. If everyone knew they would be able to grieve with you and you would be able to let people know how much the baby is loved. I really don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know much your baby is loved and missed very much. I don't know how I would handle telling people either. Dh and I are trying again but we struggle over whether we tell people or not if God does bless us with another baby.
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Focused_Mom
by Silver Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 12:58 PM
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I think it would be hard either way. I would struggle feeling like I hurt the memory of one but I wouldn't want to hurt the emotions of the others. I'm sorry ((hugs))


Quoting Angela4boys:

Yes! And after my first loss, I felt like there was really no reason to wait to announce, which I had always done. I learned the reality in that there was no "safe" zone until you had baby in your arms. But, when I actually got pregnant, I couldn't tell anyone, because I didn't want to put my kids through it again.



Quoting Focused_Mom:

It makes sense to me. You wanted to save everyone else the hurt of losing the baby but in turn hurt yourself by not letting everyone know. If everyone knew they would be able to grieve with you and you would be able to let people know how much the baby is loved. I really don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know much your baby is loved and missed very much. I don't know how I would handle telling people either. Dh and I are trying again but we struggle over whether we tell people or not if God does bless us with another baby.

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Mamie_85
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:02 PM

 i very much understand. our daughter was born alive, she was expected and wanted and so obviously everyone knew. but, we've been ttc for 2 years and a couple months back i had a chemical pregnancy. i was upset, but since we didn't tell anyone about ttc, we kept it to ourselves.

i say you can have a private service or memorial with just you and hubby. plant a flower, write a letter to the baby. hugs to you

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Angela4boys
by Angela on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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Thank you. And I do plan on planting a memorial garden for babies soon here. I figured that while we know the significance of the planting choices, nobody else would think a thing about it.

Quoting Mamie_85:

 i very much understand. our daughter was born alive, she was expected and wanted and so obviously everyone knew. but, we've been ttc for 2 years and a couple months back i had a chemical pregnancy. i was upset, but since we didn't tell anyone about ttc, we kept it to ourselves.


i say you can have a private service or memorial with just you and hubby. plant a flower, write a letter to the baby. hugs to you

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Mamie_85
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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 sounds perfect :)

Quoting Angela4boys:

Thank you. And I do plan on planting a memorial garden for babies soon here. I figured that while we know the significance of the planting choices, nobody else would think a thing about it.

Quoting Mamie_85:

 i very much understand. our daughter was born alive, she was expected and wanted and so obviously everyone knew. but, we've been ttc for 2 years and a couple months back i had a chemical pregnancy. i was upset, but since we didn't tell anyone about ttc, we kept it to ourselves.


i say you can have a private service or memorial with just you and hubby. plant a flower, write a letter to the baby. hugs to you

 

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
jessica11r
by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:13 PM
What if you tell a close friend or a family member or members. That way their memory lives on. But wait to tell the kids until they are older and can handle it better. Maybe knowing that you will tell them someday will help?
Sorry for both your losses.
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Angela4boys
by Angela on Feb. 24, 2013 at 1:21 PM
I think that's a really good idea. Actually my Mom knows, and my Step Daughter. I probably would not have told her, but she was here visiting when it was happening, so I couldn't really hide it. She's 22, so she can handle it though. I think maybe telling the kids when they get older is a good suggestion.

Quoting jessica11r:

What if you tell a close friend or a family member or members. That way their memory lives on. But wait to tell the kids until they are older and can handle it better. Maybe knowing that you will tell them someday will help?

Sorry for both your losses.
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Happy_Mcboobs
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 5:51 PM

That is a tough call. 

I've always been one to wait until after 12 weeks to tell anyone. With this one, I told everyone on my blog (anonymous blogging community that I've been a part of for years) right away because, well, I had to spill the excitement! I told my family around 12 weeks and than I told everyone else that I don't ever get to see except now and then or on FB around 15 weeks---well, crap, unknowingly my baby died at 14 weeks and now I'm supposed to be 20 weeks and I have several friends who are all due around the same time who have all found out gender. It was my turn! 

I have hidden myself though! I can't face it yet! And I don't think I'd want to ever say anything again! 

I have a friend who had a miscarriage before 12 weeks, she had a D&C on a very terrible stormy day! The whole city lost power, even the hopsital during her D&C.  She has since had another baby (he is three months) but  she barely said a word about the baby at all! No one really knew unless they were in her very tight knit circle. And even when the baby arrived--she was still very hush-hush! Even her husband wouldn't say much! It was kind of weird but I get it now. I don't think I'd want to say anything either next time! 

But than again, you want to be celebrated! 

Zealand2008
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 5:54 PM
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That's a tough spot to be in. I understand not wanting to hurt your kids. You want to protect them. I think it's a good idea that maybe you and your husband have some kind of memorial and tell the kids when they're older if you feel the timing is right. I think you will know when it's time to say something. You will feel it.
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