Healing... Taken too soon...
I have been having a lot of ups and downs lately, kinda like I'm bipolar all of a sudden. I can be happy one minute then upset then ok then happy. All within a few mins of each other. Some of it I know is my hormones going back to normal after my pregnancy, and I know some of it is because the death of Brooke. Slowly I am getting there, day after day, thought after thought, I am getting there.
One thing that helps me get through the days, which I have found, helps DH and our kids have better days too, me having a good day, is remembering Brooke. Not the exact moment that we found out she no longer had a heartbeat. Not them walking me down to be admitted. Then poke me, stick things here and there, putting those uncomfortable socks on me, so I wouldn't get blood clots, not having to pee 5 times in a row, not being wheeled into surgery, praying that their stupid ultrasound machine was broke and we would hear our beautiful baby cry. That's not what I think of, it all starts the second I laid eyes on her, still cut open, laying there, strapped to the table, seeing our beautiful baby girl.
In the 5 almost 6 weeks since she was taken from us, I have had a lot of thoughts, why us? Why her? Why was our family the one that had to lose a baby that was so wanted for a very long time? When DH and I got together, we talked about if we wanted to have a baby together (Im 35 hes 42) and we both said yes. We actually had 3 names picked out. Brooke would be our 1st daughter, since he swore 2 years ago mind you, that he would have a girl next. Then we had a boys name picked out, just in case, Haiden. And while we were at it, had another girls name picked out, he liked Brianna, and I didn't so much bc I know so many, so we compromised. Brii Annah Lexii, 2 middle names. Anyways.... So It didn't make sense on why our Brooke was taken. Our kids didn't think of her as their half sister, or not their real sister, they looked at her as their little sister, who they would get to protect, get to see do so much.......
Instead of thinking WHY anything now, I am feeling lucky, happy, blessed. See, it wasn't anyone BUT our family that was blessed with Brooke, it was us. We are the ones who got to feel her kick, we are the ones who heard her heartbeat. We are the ones who got to see my belly get bigger daily, which meant she was getting bigger too! We are the ones who got to see her wave at her sissy on ultrasound, which she only did when her sissy was around. We are the ones who got to feel the love of me carrying her. We are the ones who got to find out we were having a girl, even though she kept her legs closed! We are the ones who got to see her flip around in my belly over and over again. I got to rub her feet and back, when she would push up as much as she could, and feel her fall asleep. I got to feel her sleeping, and when her daddy would walk in and say Brooooooke, she would wake up and move to his hand. We were the ones who would watch her being still and as soon as her daddy would say, "If you love your daddy, kick your mommy" and watch her start kicking. I got to see the smile on her sissy's face when she would kick her hand, or when she laid her face on my belly, watching her kick her face and seeing the biggest grin on her face! We were the ones chosen to be touched by Brooke being here,to carry her, for me to be her mommy, for DH to be her daddy, for our kids to be her big brothers and sister. It was US who got to have her for 38 weeks and 2 days, before she was taken directly to heaven to be our angel. She for some reason was given to us for that short period of time to touch our lives, not to make them sad, angry, upset, she was a gift, a gift we just aren't able to keep here with us, but she was a gift we will ALWAYS have with us!
We will never forget seeing her for the 1st time, even though we knew she was no longer on this earth, we didn't hesitate to hold her, to kiss her, to talk to her, to take pictures of and with her, to count her fingers, to count her toes, look under her hat to see, yes!! She really did have a lot of hair! Finally!! A baby that wasn't bald! We got to see her little ears. I finally had a small baby, she was 6 pounds 11 oz and my other ones were between 7 lb 1 oz to 9 pounds! We never got to see her eyes, but yet it was a feeling as though we were looking right into her eyes, into her soul. Hard to imagine, or explain but is how it felt. Most of all, we will have, out of all of the memories, is the love we had for her. I am comforted with the fact that all she ever felt was love. She never had to feel pain, hurt, she didnt have to suffer. All she felt was love.
I know we have a LONG road of healing. I know it will never go away, but will ease. I know we will never forget about her, but thinking of her will go from every minute, to every day, to every week, to special dates, holidays, to every once in awhile. And that's ok! We can't feel guilty for trying to live life, we can't feel guilty if we don't think about her every second of everyday, she isn't far from our hearts, and she knows we love and miss her, but do we have to hurt all the time to miss and love her? Me personally, I think, no. I know we will have our down days, our bad days, but I am looking forward to our good days, our up days. We do have so much to be grateful for, we have been blessed with so much already, and I know we will be blessed again. We just have to remember, in all the hurt, all the pain, no matter how much we love and miss her and wish it wasn't like this, we have to remember all she ever felt was LOVE and she knows how much we love her and miss her and most of all, it was US, OUR family who was blessed to have her.