I would have been close now
If everything had gone right I would be having my baby at the end of this month. I would feel him or her moving around in my belly right now. Instead I feel a kind of emptiness still.
It has been about 7 months since this has happened to me. I never thought I could get pregnant in the first place. I came to accept the fact that I couldnt. But I did and now I want it more than anything.
People tell me it takes time to get over this. I dont think I will ever get over it. I go on with my days. Sometimes I dont think about it for a few days, but it always comes back into my mind. I may not think about it for a while but I will always remember and I will always be hurt.
I hate when I go to the dr and they ask the question about how many children you have and how many pregnancies. My answer used to be the same for both. No brainer. Now its 1 child and 2 pregnancies. This makes me feel worse.
Everyone tells me to be thankful I do have a child. I am very thankful. I love him more than he will ever know. The people who are telling me this, had as many children as they wanted and chose to stop. They do not know how I feel at all. I know there is always someone who has it worse than me. I just feel we should all have a chance to choose. I know in the real world it doesnt work that way.
I dont even want a lot of kids. All I want is 1 more. I never wanted my son to grow up being an only child. Not that its a bad thing. I had 3 sisters and I could not imagine life without them growing up. Not to mention my Df doesnt have children of his own. He treats ds like he is his own, but I want him to have his own child, made from him. He tells me all the time it is ok if we dont. But I was the one who saw him so happy when I got that bfp and so crushed when I lost it.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss never used to mean anything to me. I have never had to think about it. My family is full of very fertile woman who have never lost a pregnancy. I never really thought it would happen to me until I found out I had PCOS after my son was born. Its been all down hill from there.
You ladies are some of the strongest people I have ever talked to. For those of you who believe in God, I am praying for your days to get easier and for that bfp that some of you still want. For those who dont I am sending happy thoughts your way.