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UPDATE I need you ladies (tons of hard topics mentioned)

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:37 PM
  • 17 Replies

Not really much to update on.  After talking to the family more we learned that she went to the doc on Wed last week because she wasn't feeling well and the doc said her body was stressed from pregnancy, but nothing else.  She went back to the doc Fri night because she felt worse and this is when all this started.  Her whole body is pretty much shutting down- her heart is twice the normal size, fluid and blood clots in her lungs, liver and kidneys not functioning hardly at all.  We learned that it is an infection that the last documented case was in 2009 in the Neatherlands!!!  On Monday she woke up, they took the breathing tube out and she was eating, talking and just weak-they told her about the stillborn baby and had to sedate her because she was upset.  Since then she has not been awake, her heart is sitll only at 15% and she is on a breathing tube again.  Right now the heart doctor and the kidney doctor are playing "what organ is more important"  She won't live another few days without dialisys but her heart won't make it thru dialisys.  So far the teenagers are acting as if nothing is happening- they saw her when she was awake on monday, and we have asked them how they are doing and if they have seen their mom and they always kinda half ass answer like they don't care.  I don't know what is going on with them- I know they are getting the exact same txt messages we are as far as updates go.  Today my husband talked to the grandmother today and she said there is a 1 in 3 chance that she will survive at this point and the chance decreases every hour because her blood pressure is slowly dropping.  Suposedly tonight they are going to attempt dialisys.  Early next week the whole family (all brothers and sisters and a few cousins) will be going there... we will take our 7 year old then if she is still this close to death.  We told the 7 year old today that his mom is really sick.  I guess I covered everything- I feel kinda numb right now because my husband is trying to figure out what happens ot the teenagers and the 2.5 year old, and he wants them to all come here.  I am fearful that the teens will resent it and cause problems for us, but I believe they belong with their dad.  

First off my baby is okay- I don't want to worry you.

My fiance got a call today that his exwife is in the hospital.  For those who don't know she is a horrible person/mother.  My fiance raised her 2 oldest kids from age 1 and 2 until age 13 and 14 (the last 5 years was after the divorce and mom didn't see them but 1-2 a year).  Well 1.5 years ago she took the kids back and moved them from MS to TX- since then the kids have taken away from her repeatedly because of drugs and an unsafe environment (mom was a hooker).  Well today the exwife's mother called and told my fiance that exwife is in the hospital and not doing well.  She was pregnant (somewehre between 7-9 months) and they c-sectioned the baby and it was stillborn.  Exwife is on a ventilator and her heart is only functioning at 15%- they have called family in (her mother is on her way from Japan) and they don't expect her to make it.  Her heart is twice its normal size, fluid in the lungs, blood clot in the lungs- they think it is viral and gave her meds and that is her only hope.  Our teenagers are home alone while their state appointed "caregiver" is over 2 hours away visiting family- they know mom wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital, but have no clue it is this serious.  My fiance is beside himself- he feels like he needs to be there for his kids (he considers them his), but right now its really not possible.  I don't know how I feel- I feel angry, relieved, guilty, scared, and selfish.

I'm angry that exwife did this to herself but more importantly to those poor kids-she has a 16 year old, 15 year old, 7 year old (lives with us), a 2.5 year old that lives with the older kids and now this poor baby that just died.  I am so angry about this baby, I felt all along she didn't deserve it, and now this.  I know she was doing drugs during pregnancy- I know her body is failing her after years of drug abuse and I think it is so freaking unfair for that poor baby that was trapped inside of her.  I also feel relieved that this is almost over, she will no longer be hurting her kids, and will not have more people to hurt.  I wish the kids would have never left their dad, but I hope they find their way home to us (including the 2.5 year old).  And I feel guilty for feeling and saying all the horrible things I have said and am still saying/feeling.  And I feel so guilty because all the while I keep praying to God to keep my baby safe and to please bless the angel that just came to Heaven.  And then I question if God is going to let "that woman" into Heaven?  I feel so unChristian like because I can't forgive her.  And I am scared- I know her body is weak because of the drug abuse- but what if something bad happens to me?  What if I lose this baby or what if I die giving birth to this baby?  What happens to my older son?  What happens to my fiance?  What happens if there is a sweet precious baby that lives and I never get to see it?  I am all scared and jumbled right now and I can't unload on my fiance because he is worried about enough.  And lastly I feel like a horrible selfish person because my wedding is in 4 days and I am hoping this doesn't ruin this for me- how can we do this if she dies?  We would have to take our 7 year old to see her- really we should be taking him there now.  My fiance was looking up flights to leave tonight- said he wasn't sure when he would come back.  I helped look up flights and never brought up the wedding but on the inside I was screaming "what about our wedding?"  As of right now my fiance is not going to TX- his choice... and I feel horrible for it.  He can't win.  If something bad happens we will head there after the wedding I guess.  

Ladies I know this is long, but I have no one else to express my feeling to.  I am back and forth between anger and tears.  And I'm scared, I feel like I'm facing my own mortality and feel like something bad will happen to me because I am being so horrible.

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:44 PM
Hugs what a rough situation :-( its going yo hurt her kids even more though :-( I'm sorry for all involved
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by Bronze Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:45 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through so much! Big ((hugs))
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by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:51 PM

First of all, I am glad your baby is fine (the title worried me).

Secondly, I am so sorry for everything you, your fiance, and your kids are going through. It is so hard to watch our loved ones hurting and, even though she may not have been a very good one, she was still their mother and losing your mother is hard. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Try not to stress too much about dying right now. There is no way for us to know when and where we are going to go and it's not worth stressing over, especially considering how stress affects you and your baby. All you can do is pray and do your best to move forward. 

Hopefully your wedding isn't affected. And don't feel guilty over thinking about that, either. When my grandpa wasn't doing so well my dad had us all go down to see him the weekend before my orientation and I remember being mad and saying "I better not miss my orientation over this." 1. I did not miss my orienation and 2. he died one week to the day after we said our goodbyes. I loved/still love my grandpa so much and miss him all the time and still feel guilty about not wanting to go see him that weekend. It is in human nature, and a high school orientation is nowhere near as important as a wedding. 

We are here for you!

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:04 PM
Thank goodness your baby is ok, I was worried .......let me say this, you're not a horrible person! I think its perfectly normal to have those feelings after all she put your family through. What's sad is that as horrible of a person and mother she has been those poor babies are going to suffer when she finally goes. And you and your fiance are going to suffer because the kids are suffering. He loves them and its obvious you do as well, be there for them as I know you will, they ate going to need all the love and support they can get. I pray that y'all will find some peace.
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by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:55 PM

Honestly, I'm glad your baby is ok too. I was scared just by the post at first. That's alot to deal with and I don't think that thinking any of it makes you a bad or selfish person. That's just a really messy situation. I'm so sad for what all of those kiddos have had to go through and am glad that your DF is supportive of them. I'm so sorry. That really is just a sh**storm to say the least. I don't  understand why people do what they do. You've been through so much and want a baby so bad, seeing others who take these kinds of situations for granted and treat themselves, their children and their unborn babies this way is just mindblowing. Most importantly, I hope the kids are going to be ok. I think your wedding will still happen, it may have to be delayed with all of this, but that's understandable but frustrating. Addiction is such a horrible thing, it destroys so much. Hugs honey, I hope things start looking up soon. :(

by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 9:18 AM

Ok, my feelings on this go on with your wedding.  I would not take the 7 year old, he does not need to see his Mom like that, it's not going to benefit him.  So you guys go on with your wedding, you guys need that, you've waited a long time, and it's most important.  After the wedding, you guys can go to TX, or he can go to TX or whatever you guys need to do.  If you don't go ahead with the wedding, there will be resentment, and regret...There is really nothing right now that he can do for her.  As long as the kids are safe, he can be a support to them with the wedding is done. 

Don't feel bad for your feelings, you are human.  God has forgiven this woman, and has forgiven you for your feelings.  Your feelings toward her, only hurt you really, so you may as well, just wash your hands and let them go. 

This is such a web of complication, those poor kids have been through so much...breaks my heart :(  You've got a rough road a head of you too (((hugs)))  Goodness only knows the trauma they have been through that needs to be undone....not that it can, but could you imagine, and they are at such impressionable ages. 

by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:57 AM
I am so sorry to hear this. Hugs. I think the way you are feeling is normal. We are imperfect human beings. I wouldst take the 7 yr old. He doesn't need to see her like that. Hugs.
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by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:09 AM
Oh man I am so sorry you have to deal with all this. I say you guys should go on with the wedding together. Then if needed the 3 of you can go down to check on the kids. Unless your fiance has strong feelings to see his ex, i dont think its neccessary. I would have a very hard time feeling bad for her as well because I am mad that she did this to her baby and her other kids as well. Dont feel bad about your feelings, its can someone not be angry that she got these precious children over the years and destroyed or killed them with her selfish actions.just be there for the children when its time. Take care of yourself and baby first. Try not to worry about your own moratlity right now, you dont needed the added stress. There is no reason to think anything would happen to you during birth. Yes things happen and I had a big scare with my last and had to have a blood I am not talking out of nothing bad ever happens...but you will be safely with drs and they are prepared to help with anything. You and your baby will be safe. You have many things going on and emotions to sort through. Take one step at a time and focus on one thing at a time. Enjoy your wedding and maybe talk to your fiance about what he is expecting to come of the wedding.
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by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:36 PM
Wow that's a mess. I agree with everyone. They have all said some great things so I won't be redundant. I think it's perfectly normal to have all of these mixed emotions with all of this going on plus the pregnancy hormones. Forgiveness is sometimes a very hard thing to do. I think it's also something that happens after time and after you had a chance to process all of your emotions. I don't think it's easy nor is it something that comes naturally to us. Forgiveness frees us in the end though. We no longer have to hold onto those horrible feelings that make us crazy. Give yourself time to grieve and to process everything that's going on. In terms of your own mortality I think it's normal in situations like this to start thinking about those things. When my uncle died recently it made my husband and I talk about our mortality to each other a lot more. I think it's important to have discussions about what would happen if something happened to one or both of you but don't dwell on them. It's good to have a plan in place but we have no control over what's going happen. It is out of our hands.
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by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 4:44 PM

I wouldn't take the 7 year old either. When my aunt passed away my parents wouldn't let me see her I was even 15 but they wanted me to remember her how I remembered her not what she looked like dying so the best thing you guys can do for yourself and him/her is to not go at all IMO. Yes, he deserves to see his mother but do you guys want him dreaming about what his mom looked like right before she died? That could ruin him... (Assuming its a boy)

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