Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Confessions of a Funeral Director

Posted by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 8:35 AM
  • 22 Replies
1 mom liked this

http://www.calebwilde.com/2011/12/learning-from-michelle-duggar/#.TuoWVf13v54.facebook

 

Just read this post this morning, and thought it was interesting enough to share. A Funeral Director talking about Miscarriage. I know that we already know these things, mothers of Angels, but it's just nice to see it in print. The importance of mourning the loss of our babies, and not sweeping the loss under the rug.

by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 8:35 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Happy_Mcboobs
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 8:54 AM

It took several calls to talk to a funeral home that was willing to waive fees. It's still expensive. We're waiting for our tax return to pay for the gravestone. The funeral home actually gave us back the small deposit they asked for after our "graveside service"--they said that it wasn't right to take our money, especially since my husband had pretty much done everything they would do except the deliver the baby to the cemetery.  

I'm glad that we had a week to think about it. I didn't exactly plan for the funeral though. I had been told I'd be able to take the baby home with me for a backyard. But than when we got to the hospital--we were told that at 19 weeks and up--we needed to contact a funeral home/cemetery and have a health department sign off on taking it home ourselves. Well, it was the weekend, a Sunday--and we had less than 24 hours to really weed thru and make a decision. That was hard! My husband didn't want to call! So, once I was able--I called....except funeral homes were open on Sundays or not until afternoon and they wouldn't call me back, In fact, the hosptial managed to talk to them but that was just a very run around & a lot of mis information.

I sort of understood why people go with cremation or backyard burials. The hospital made it seem like a "most people can't afford it"---but I think most people don't take the time to call & find out the details. 

One funeral home tried to sell me the whole package. A very expensive whole package. He was very brisk. He would have given me cremation for free but he was blunt honest that nothing would be left for an urn. He wouldn't waive anything for an actual service though. 

Another was not upfront about some extra fees. 

And than the one we used was very kind and gentle and asked for very little. They explained everything. 

The cemeterery forgot to tell us about some extra fees. So we didn't budget enough. But apparently those fees are tacked on to the gravestone and the gravestone can be done in payments up to two years. So it all worked out. I want to get that paid off for asap though. :( It's sad that he doesn't have a marker yet. It's nice we have a nice place to go to grieve. I've been three or four times within two weeks of burying him there. 

The hardest thing was pulling up and seeing this tiny little box under the canopy. It felt wrong and weird to be there that day. But it feels right to have a place to visit afterwards. He's next to a couple other babies...and I'm sure more will come eventually....(hopefully not from me though!)

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:32 AM

Thanks for sharing. I'm not a huge fan of Michelle Duggar, but she amazes me in more ways than one. She's right on the money with this one. :)

Focused_Mom
by Silver Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for sharing.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:13 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting momofcrazypants:

Thanks for sharing. I'm not a huge fan of Michelle Duggar, but she amazes me in more ways than one. She's right on the money with this one. :)

Yea, I was more interested in what the funeral director had to say, he just happened to use their familiy as an example...I can't bash them though, but that's a whole different story ;)

Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:19 AM

We (my mother) called one funeral home, we had already decided on cremation, since we had no intention on staying in that state...but the nurses took over and helped find another.  We had no hidden fees. 

I just hope that as miscarriage and pregnancy loss becomes less of a taboo topic, it's easier for families to plan for funerals and remains.  That more and more funeral homes realize the need for a separate "package" for pregnancy loss. 

Quoting Happy_Mcboobs:

It took several calls to talk to a funeral home that was willing to waive fees. It's still expensive. We're waiting for our tax return to pay for the gravestone. The funeral home actually gave us back the small deposit they asked for after our "graveside service"--they said that it wasn't right to take our money, especially since my husband had pretty much done everything they would do except the deliver the baby to the cemetery.  

I'm glad that we had a week to think about it. I didn't exactly plan for the funeral though. I had been told I'd be able to take the baby home with me for a backyard. But than when we got to the hospital--we were told that at 19 weeks and up--we needed to contact a funeral home/cemetery and have a health department sign off on taking it home ourselves. Well, it was the weekend, a Sunday--and we had less than 24 hours to really weed thru and make a decision. That was hard! My husband didn't want to call! So, once I was able--I called....except funeral homes were open on Sundays or not until afternoon and they wouldn't call me back, In fact, the hosptial managed to talk to them but that was just a very run around & a lot of mis information.

I sort of understood why people go with cremation or backyard burials. The hospital made it seem like a "most people can't afford it"---but I think most people don't take the time to call & find out the details. 

One funeral home tried to sell me the whole package. A very expensive whole package. He was very brisk. He would have given me cremation for free but he was blunt honest that nothing would be left for an urn. He wouldn't waive anything for an actual service though. 

Another was not upfront about some extra fees. 

And than the one we used was very kind and gentle and asked for very little. They explained everything. 

The cemeterery forgot to tell us about some extra fees. So we didn't budget enough. But apparently those fees are tacked on to the gravestone and the gravestone can be done in payments up to two years. So it all worked out. I want to get that paid off for asap though. :( It's sad that he doesn't have a marker yet. It's nice we have a nice place to go to grieve. I've been three or four times within two weeks of burying him there. 

The hardest thing was pulling up and seeing this tiny little box under the canopy. It felt wrong and weird to be there that day. But it feels right to have a place to visit afterwards. He's next to a couple other babies...and I'm sure more will come eventually....(hopefully not from me though!)


Zealand2008
by Bronze Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:51 AM
1 mom liked this
In Phoenix they take care of everything for free under 20 weeks. The only thing I'm sad about is he doesn't have a head stone. The funeral director said they were just too small. They are all buried on a hill with a statue of Mary and Joseph looking over them. It's sad to see how many unborn babies are there. It really put things into perspective.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:54 AM
Yes, it sure is.

Quoting Zealand2008:

In Phoenix they take care of everything for free under 20 weeks. The only thing I'm sad about is he doesn't have a head stone. The funeral director said they were just too small. They are all buried on a hill with a statue of Mary and Joseph looking over them. It's sad to see how many unborn babies are there. It really put things into perspective.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Happy_Mcboobs
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 11:07 AM
1 mom liked this

It's very sad to see so many....the cemetery we used has a "baby garden" except that it is already full--they said it filled really quick when they decided to open it. So, they are making a "new baby area"....only three so far as I can tell but I haven't really looked.... 


Quoting Zealand2008:

In Phoenix they take care of everything for free under 20 weeks. The only thing I'm sad about is he doesn't have a head stone. The funeral director said they were just too small. They are all buried on a hill with a statue of Mary and Joseph looking over them. It's sad to see how many unborn babies are there. It really put things into perspective.



blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Mar. 18, 2013 at 12:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for sharing.  It is a nice article.  We find a nice funeral home.  They didn't do anything for free but it was very discounted I think less than $200 or something like that, mostly for the cremation and death certificate.  They didn't want us to spend too much so they found out we could have our daughter's remains placed in a national cementery due to my husband's service in the military.  There is a spot right next to our daughter reserved for DH and I and it was all free as well as the head stone.  It meant a lot to us. 

Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 18, 2013 at 12:38 PM
1 mom liked this
That's great. It was nice to be guided I'm sure. It was for me. My nurses really did guide me. I made the choices, but once I did, they took my hand.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

Thank you for sharing.  It is a nice article.  We find a nice funeral home.  They didn't do anything for free but it was very discounted I think less than $200 or something like that, mostly for the cremation and death certificate.  They didn't want us to spend too much so they found out we could have our daughter's remains placed in a national cementery due to my husband's service in the military.  There is a spot right next to our daughter reserved for DH and I and it was all free as well as the head stone.  It meant a lot to us. 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN