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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

So my husband...

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 6:51 PM
  • 11 Replies
1 mom liked this

came home from work today and asked me to do him a favor. He asked me to take the picture of our daughter, Kahlan, off my facebook page. We have several common friends on fb and he sees the comments to the post. He doesn't like to look at pictures of her at all. Do you look at your dead baby's pictures? I mean of them after they died? I can't look at enough pictures of her. I want that memory of her to never fade. How long was it until your husband/so was able to look at pictures? My husband doesn't even want to talk about her! Obviously we are in different greiving stages, but now I am in the angry stage. Not angry that she is gone... angry that he doesn't even want to talk about her! It's like she never existed!! I am so frustrated and don't eve know what to say to him about our baby. Mind you, she was born still almost a month ago..

by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 6:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Kaydence2010
by Maggie on Mar. 19, 2013 at 6:54 PM
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Its been a year since we lost makayla and my husband started talking about her about 6 months ago. I dont post pictures of her but we have a photo album the hospital gave us with pictures of her that i look at. Men grieve differently. My dh was the same way. Give yours time
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busyizzybsmom
by Betsy on Mar. 19, 2013 at 7:19 PM

I'm sorry. People grieve so differently. My baby was about 8 wks when she stopped growing and I will say that I don't like looking at the picture I have of her. It hurts me too much and brings back too many painful memories of that day of endings and intense grief. I prefer to remember my baby as I thought of her when we just found out we were pregnant, the joy surrounding my SIL's wedding when nobody knew yet that we were pregnant and it was our happy secret, and the comfort and joy that I have now knowing that my baby is in heaven and I will see her again someday. I like to cherish the good memories I have of her, rather than seeing her picture that only brings back memories of pain.

Now, with your later loss, I can understand why you would want to memorize her face. It makes total sense to me that you would want to look at her picture. But, maybe your husband feels the same way about your baby's pictures as I do about mine - too much of a painful reminder. It's not that we don't want to remember our babies, it's that we want to remember them differently than the pictures make us. I don't know - I'm just trying to present this as a possible reason why your husband might have said what he did. I hope you guys can figure it out and understand where eachother is coming from and that it will help both of you in your healing processes! Hugs!

Herlache
by Jessie on Mar. 19, 2013 at 7:27 PM
Men grieve differently than us women. I miscarried at 9 weeks dh said it doesn't exist to him. He won't talk about it or he says he don't care. I know if I had pictures I would look at them. Sorry ((hugs))
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blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Mar. 19, 2013 at 9:44 PM
I have a hard time looking at close ups of her. It is difficult still after 10 months. I don't know about DH, he hasn't really said anything. And it took DH a few months to talk through his feelings about her.
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Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:00 PM
I occasionally look at the pictures of our fist baby we lost. To me, he looks very peaceful. I have shared them with very few people though, and never publicly. For me, it's all I really have of him, and I feel like it's the only way I can protect him. I dont want anyone gawking over him.

Men and women grieve differently...but maybe your husband feels like I do, like he doesn't want anyone looking at his baby without him knowing....and I don't want just anyone looking.
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Happy_Mcboobs
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:27 AM

I haven't shown anyone photos of Henry. I doubt I will. I think I might show a photo to my girls at some point...like on his due date or the year anniversary or maybe not. They are very private photos. Oh wait, my mom asked to see the photos so I showed her. My MIL never asked though so I didn't show her. I have looked at them but it was hard to look. I looked to see not many photos & I regretted not taking my own photos. I let a nurse use my camera--so at least we have non blurry photos (She was a photographer hobbyist & offered to help with photos). I didn't really get the "shots" that I wanted. 

Husband's grieve differently. My husband will talk about it with me if I wanted too. I tell him each time I visit Henry's grave & send him a photo of whatever I brought along to visit. But that's the extent...I think it's better to keep it private...I don't want to hear the "I'm sorry" from anyone else. :( 

destinyrae730
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:49 AM
First off I'm so sorry Iwent through something similar me and my ex lost our baby girl an Iwas devastated Italked about her everyday kept all the pictures ect ect. But he was the complete opposite Ifelt like out of everyone I should be able to go to him to talk wrong he would tell me to move on and forget about it not only did this hurt it made me angry Inever wanted to forget her ever I just accepted the fact when men are hurt they rather ignore it than deal with it find a support system a friend your mother or a therapist if you have to my opinion if u want to keep those things you can if he doesn't want to see them he doesn't have to u both have a choice
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Cal2006
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:28 AM

 As everyone has says people grieve differently. When I had my stillbirth, my husband and I didn't want to look at her. We loved her immensely, but looking at her was just too hard. The hospital took photographs and my mom held her and spent a lot of time with her in another room. But neither my husand or I could look at her. We lost her 7-16-2011 and I still haven't asked my mom to see the scrapbook. I still miss her so much, I don't think that my heart could take it. I would tell your husband what you are feeling, but maybe he doesn't want to grieve publicly. You can keep pictures up in your house and not post them on FB. But I'm not on FB, so I can't really talk to that. Sorry for your loss.

MissyMo120
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:47 PM

We have pictures of our daughter everywhere. We were lucky enough to have someone who came in and took pictures of her, even when at 1st I didn't want them to, I'm so glad they did.  We have 3 over our fireplace, 2 near her urn and 3 in our room, our other kids have some of her too and her daddy has one in his work truck. I didn't post them on FB because I didn't want to share her with the world, I want to share her with people who love her. I look at her pictures daily, and it makes me smile now, instead of cry. It's been 2 months, today, since she was born sleeping. No two people will grieve in the same way, some day he may want to see her all the time, look at the pictures, it just may be too hard for him right now. Big hugs to you. 

lost2013
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 3:35 PM

Everyone tells me men grieve differently.  I was only 4 weeks when I miscarried I know I was not that far a long but to me it was a baby that just didn't stick.  The next day after I miscarried my husband said we don't even know if you really were pregnant, and it just wasn't a good time to get pregnant.  When he told me that it was total blow, I was hurting inside and he just told me that maybe I wasn't pregnant and kind of relieved that I wasn't because it wasn't a good time.  I also remember the day after I miscarryied he just carried on with every day life like it never happened.  I was doing ok but as the month of my miscarriage approaches I am getting sad again. 

Hope this doesn't sound insensitive but at least you got to see your baby, know what gender your baby was, or what they looked like, I will never have that.  If I had pictures I would probably look at them daily.

Hope your husband will come around.

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