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How do I help my best friend?

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 11:58 PM
  • 10 Replies
My best friend was 22 weeks pregnant when they found out the baby would not survive outside of her womb. Her choice, they induced and she delivered a precious baby girl. This is not even my child and I have been completely heartbroken for her for a month now, so I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through.
At first, as expected, there was support and words of kindness and prayer (she is, as am I, very religious, which has helped her tremendously). Now that her memorial is over and everyone else seems to be moving on and I guess hoping she will too, I feel like this is when she'll need me most. She's a very private person (I am too but I think that's why our friendship works so well) so I've been trying to give her her space but I don't know if that's the right thing. It feels moot and insignificant to ask her how she's feeling when I know she's devastated. Should I still be avoiding talking about because I don't want to upset her or should I directly ask her if she wants to talk about it? It's a helpless feeling I have. I wish I could take the pain away and I feel inactive and I just want to help her heal if its possible.

Thank you all very much. I feel like its what any friends should do for eachother but I'm seeing that most are just too uncomfortable to dive in to help. I like the idea of doing little things to show her that someone else is thinking about and remembering her daughter just like she is. I'm so sorry that all of you have had to endure this breed of pain I've now witnessed up close.
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by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 11:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
busyizzybsmom
by Betsy on Mar. 20, 2013 at 12:12 AM

First of all, you are a wonderful friend to be so concerned and seeking out advice on how to best minister to her in this incredibly difficult and painful time of her life. I think one of the most important things is to let her know that her baby is not forgotten. If you are worried about talking to her about her daughter and think it might not be really beneficial to ask the simple "how are ya" kinda questions, I think that simply giving her a small bouquet or candle or something for anniversaries (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, and even the inbetweens if you can) can be helpful. Just letting her know that you're thinking of her and that she's not the only one who remembers her little girl is great and will let her know that you're there for her to talk about it if/when she's ready. 

Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 20, 2013 at 7:52 AM

I would refer her to this group.  Just send her an email or message, say Hey I found this great supportive group and the link. 

Kaydence2010
by Maggie on Mar. 20, 2013 at 7:59 AM
I did this exact thing last year.

I am a loss mentor on stillbirthday.com, my name is Maggie. I went through the mentoring program last year after I lost Makayla. I would be so honored to mentor her or be an ear to listen since i've also induced at 20 weeks due to a medical diagnosis. If she is interested, I am the first mentor on this site : http://www.stillbirthday.com/2012/01/06/our-mentors/

She can also check out stillbirthday.com

I know the grief she is feeling and I pray she will weather tge ups and downs. I just celebrated Makayla's first birthday/angelversary.

Prayers and love to your friend <3
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Cal2006
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:15 AM

 I would ask her. I didn't want to talk t ANYONE. I talked to my husband and my mom. If you weren't them I didn't want to talk to you. Boss, dad, grandparents, aunt, uncle, friend..didn't matter. But I know that some people WANT to be talked to, the desire to talk about it with anyone who will listen. Give her what she needs, since you don't know what that is..ask. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Mar. 20, 2013 at 10:06 AM

I think you're a wonderful friend and that's really great that you are there for her in so many ways. I would refer her to this group too. This has been a great place where I can come whenever I want and talk or not talk and know that there are so many others feeling the same way that I was and that I wasn't alone. For several weeks I didn't really want to talk about it. Or if I did, it was in bits and pieces. I wouldn't ask her if she'd like to, I think she will talk when she's ready.

blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:44 AM

I'm sorry for your friend.  I found out at 11 weeks my daughter had Anencephaly (missing all or part of the brain and skull) and would not survive.  She was born sleeping at 38 weeks.  It is tough.  And your right she probably needs you know more then ever.  Just letting her know your there for her, I would have actually rather been bothered then by some friends that distanced themselves from me.  It was like I couldn't talk about my daughter with anyone.  Being how I went through it, I actually love talking about my daughter and didn't mind at all when people asked about her.  Just ask her and tell her it's okay for her to mention her baby to you whenever she needs to.  

Sylvia1984
by Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 12:49 PM

you are a wonderful friend and she is lucky to have someone who cares so much. just let her know that you are there and I'm sure when she needs you she will reach out. i would only talk with my husband at first but when i noticed how much it would hurt him to see me like this i turned to my two bf on days when i need to talk or just cry he/she is there and i thank god for blessing me with these two wonderful friends. i also thank all the women on this site they have helped as well. i will keep your friend in my prayers.

Anliena
by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 10:24 AM
I have a friend who, a month later will still walk up to me for a hug and a whispered hiw are you doing. I don't talk to her but it means so much to me that she does it and I just know it wasn't just forgotten. I would ask. Even if she doesn't want to talk I'm sure she will appreciate knowing that you care and haven't just moved on.
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canadianmommy4
by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 10:33 AM

First I would like to say that you a wonderful friend. It is so nice that you are in her life, expecially going through this time. I am a person that does keep to myself, and after my m/c's my family and friends really didnt know how to approch me about it. 

My mother in law did something so special for me I will never forget. After my second m/c she was so heart broken for me and thats all she really could say. She did give me some space after it happened which was the right thing to do at that present time. She then came to me and told me how she felt. How she cared for me and wanted to help me, how she didnt understand, so she went to a book store and picked me up so spiritual books about loosing a baby. I am a very spiritual person. so those helped me she also told me she had asked others around her that have been through what I was going through to seek anwsers on how to help. I strated crying when she strated telling me all of these things she was doing for me becasue it was so heartwarming to know that someone had cared that much to go out of there way for me. :) 

iSMILEheCRIES
by Gold Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 12:40 PM

 You are a good friend.  She might not want to talk directly, but she will appreciate you.  Drop her a facebook note every few days that says "I love you, and I miss "baby's name" too"  I love hearing people say my daughter's name.  If she isn't real talky after that, you can still hug her and say "I'm here"  For me the standard "are you ok?" was a hard question- you always say "yes"  I wish people would have asked direct questions "do you want to talk about "baby's name"?"  "Did everything go ok at the doctors?"  "Do you want help packing up the nursery?"  You know her best, just be there for her and leave the line wide open to talk.... most women don't talk because people act like they are scared to hear about it

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