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Posted by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:10 AM
  • 7 Replies

So  i lost my first and hopefully only baby back in November of 2012. Afterwards I didn't want to try again but in January I thought it might have happened on accident, and I was terrified! I don't know where to go from here. I am so afraid to loose another baby that I am hesitant to try again, but I promised my husband we would try again in June or July. Right now I told him I need to concentrate on me! I know that is hard but we have a two and a half year old and I don't want them to be too far apart but how long can I procrastinate!? I am waiting until June because I don't want a Christmas baby or a January baby, but then what?

So much for the scared part, now for the angry bit. The other day we were at work and we were talking about trying again and I casually mentioned wouldn't it be interesting if I concieved or we found out we were pregnant on July 10th, our lost babies due date, and he was clueless! I got so angry and he had no clue as to why, he kept asking me and I told him if he didn't know I wasn't going to tell him. I was so hurt! When we lost the baby there was this absolute disconnect and no emotion from him, and so when I told him, I told him angrily that is right I forgot ONLY I LOST A CHILD not you! It is a struggle, the baby was only 6 weeks, and his excuse is that he didn't have enough of a chance to get used to the idea let alone bond with a baby he never held. I don't understand how cold he can be, but I am dreading the 10th of July and I am so conflicted. I don't know what to do about any of this I just wanted to vent! Although any feedback is highly appreciated.

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:10 AM
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by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 8:25 AM
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I think it would be cool to find out on July 10.  Your post made me laugh a little, because my husband and I have been together for 17 years in July, married 13 1/2 husband doesn't know what day our Anniversary is, he just remembered my birthday for the first time this year because I made it the password for the computer, hahaha!  We have 5 living children, he doesn't know their birthdays...he's just not good with dates, haha!  Not good AT ALL!  LOL. 

Your husband, no matter how much he loves you, or wanted a baby, will just never understand the grief that you have.  Us Mamas bond from the first knowledge that we are pregnant.  We have a physical connection.  For Dads, I think it's just an abstract idea until we start to show, they can feel them moving, we start picking out baby items, and preparing the nursery and such. 

I think you should plan some things for July 10th that is meaningful to you.  Maybe plant a flower or plant, do a balloon release, light a candle, do some sort of charitable act or donation.  Something that is meaningful to you.  You are not alone, we are here for you.

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:29 AM

I agree with Angela....husbands grief different. At 6 weeks---the idea of a new baby was probably too soon for him....and it's not that he didn't grieve or he doesn't remember....but guys are visual....that date wasn't a visual reminder for him---the loss date might have been if you had to have  D&C or he watched you bleed....

I don't know....It's normal to overreact....I've seen a few other posts ranting about husbands forgetting. I am in a little support group in my town & a few of the moms there have recently "ranted" about how their husbands have "shut down" and won't talk about the loss. They just grieve different. 

You may want him to talk but remember, guys do not just talk!! Our church was doing this love sermon and one of the key things was communication...the Pastor reminded us that men and women communicate differently. Like, women will use over 200,000 words daily (I can't remember the exact number) and men will only use 10,'s an big difference....the guys come home from work and have used their daily limit, the women are only just beginning at that point! I don't know if the numbers are true but it makes sense (to me)... I am a "talker" and my husband is not....

He grieved hard when we found out. He cried alone (in front of me only)....but since, he hasn't talked or cried...or really shown any grief....only support....if I cry or rant or vent or talk--he doesn't talk really---he will just be there for physical comfort....and really, all I can ask for is that from him. I need him more than ever now. It has brought us closer on that intimate level.... 

We had our 1st loss this month so I am not close to a point of trying again. Some women try right of the bat...I am, you, I don't want to be pregnant or due in certain months! I think it would be neat to be due around the time of my loss though...something to celebrate--a reminder that the next baby's big brother soars in heaven and is the best guardian angel ever. 

Your husband will support you no matter what---even if he isn't "remembering" or "talking".... just remember that...he wants you to have another baby....and he'll wait until you are ready and support that! You will need support there because the fear never goes away (so I hear).... :) 

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:43 AM

It's hard. I had my first MC at 6 weeks. My SO was sad to lose the idea of the baby, but hadn't gotten attatched to THAT baby. It's different for them. We can feel the life inside (no matter how new). They can not. He should still be emotionally abvailable to you, my SO was/is very understanding and warm thank God. 

Don't be nervous, whatever is meant to be will be. Good luck! <3 

by Tina on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:59 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. My DH was sad and grieved our two losses, but he doesn't remember the dates either, not when we lost them or when they were due. It isn't that he didn't care but as these wonderful ladies have said, its that it is different for them and they don't have the instant bond we do. As that date nears talk to him about how you feel and maybe plan something together in honor of your angel. It is hard sometimes to feel so sad and hurt when it seems others aren't feeling what you are. And they probably don't understand but everyone here does. I wish you the best of luck when you begin TTC. *Hugs*
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by Bronze Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 10:09 AM
My husband grieved heavily and openly with me when we lost our baby at 13 weeks. But, like most men, hes hopeless with dates. My birthday, our toddler's birthday and our angel's due date are all in July and he still cant remember! But, I choose to find it as just something he needs reminding of instead of being angry. Every few weeks he asks me gently "what day was Elizabeth (our angel) supposed to be born?" I tell him July 21st, then he nods and tries to remember. If I told him we're going to do this and this for July 21st, im sure hed look at me blankly first.

We are 3 cycles in from our loss. We started ntnp this month Instead of trying to figure out a ttc date.
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by Desiree-admin on Mar. 24, 2013 at 11:45 PM
It is normal to be scared to try again. I would try when you are ready and think it is a good time for you. I didn't want another baby born in the holidays or like 4 months after when all our birthdays are. I'm pregnant now due in August and that seems like a good time. My first two are 3 months shy of 3 yrs apart. I think it was a great gap cause my oldest was almost 3 yrs am loved to help. My 2nd son and my daughter (angel baby) are 2 1/2 yrs apart. I thought that would have been a nice gap too. But now my 2nd son and this baby will be about 3 1/2 yrs apart and I can already tell he will not take well to not being the youngest anymore and less attention.

As for angry well guys grieve and feel things differently. He might have been disappointed and sad then when it happened but he is right he did not have the same bond as you and I don't think it means he is cold hearted. Most guys don't really bond with the baby until around the time they can start feeling the baby from the outside of your stomach. But we bond pretty early because we feel the changes and the little one growing inside of us.
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:25 PM

 As many of the women have said, men grieve differently. I can tell you when I lost my Callie and when she was due. I don't know if it was because she was to be my first baby, or because she was a stillbirth. But I can tell you that I've forgotten my other miscarriages their due dates. I know that might sound awful, but I didn't get far (6,6, and 9 weeks respectively). So it isn't just men and women, it is people. We all grieve differently. To me those dates aren't as important than the people that were meant to be in our lives. Feel free vent here, we'll be here for you. But understand that men are men and we all process things differently. It doesn't mean that he doen't love you or that he doesn't grieve the loss of your child.

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