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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Coping with Loss... Hope this helps. It gets me through...

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:32 AM
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Please add if anyone has other tips.

I really hope others find comfort or some of this helpful. On March 13th, 2013 at 3:47 AM we lost our little girl Savannah - I was 37W3D pregnant.

This has been a horrible time but here are some things that have been helping me get through.

1 - For those who are religious, I believe that my God does not make mistakes and always does what is right. She is with the best Father anyone can ask for in a place where she will never cry or know pain.

2 - When I look in the mirror in the morning I say "good morning" to her. Same before I go to bed. Sometimes I cry like it is happening all over again and sometimes I smile. It's just that she looked like me. The more I recognize and deal with it, the better I get.

3 - I hold her things. Specifically what she wore after she was born. At first I just cried into them. Now I have gotten so use to holding the items that I can hold them and smile, remembering how nice it was to feel her kick or hear her heartbeat.

4 - My DH and I keep to ourselves. No calls to others, just texts. Other people who have not been through this do not understand... PERIOD. They just don't. It's hard to talk about, sometimes even to my DH. Let alone talking to people who have never been through it. I love my Mom, but she makes it about her own mourning and wants me to console her. My Aunt gets upset because my DH and I want to be alone. My Dad came to the hospital the day I delivered and fell asleep which pissed my DH off... and the list goes on.

5 - Taking time to mourn on my schedule. Not at the speed someone else thinks I should be going. This has been really important.

6 - I will keep some things to myself. Everything is not meant to be shared with my DH if I think he will not understand or while trying to help make things worse.

7 - Again, for those who are religious, when praying the first thing I do is thank God for my blessings, including knowing my DD for the time I did. This helps me keep things in perspective and realize that even though I lost her, God is still good to me.

8 - Dreaming! Not sleeping, though I do a lot of that now. My DH and I are planning a nice long vacation. I told him in the hospital "I have got to see a beach." Planning something exciting that does not involved anything baby related has REALLY helped.

9 - We make in memory keepsakes. This hurts while doing it but after a while it feels... good. I have pictures, made a photobook at Walgreens, a star named after her (thanks to a neighbor), some wind chimes (thanks to co-workers), soon a cherry blossom tree, and a keep sake box. This helps. I do not feel like I am discarding her life when I am not crying.

From Happy McBoobs 10-11:

10 - Don't get angry at your husband for not talking about the loss baby/child....Husbands grieve differently than their wives.

11 - Also, grief is a lifelong process. It's scary to think that we will still grieve years from now...but we will, it won't be as hard as it is right now when it's fresh and just beginning but the grief will still be there.

Also...

12 - If you need support, go get it. Whether if it is from a support group or people you know.

I have not gotten to a point where I do not think it's not my fault somehow, but every day I get a little closer. I cannot go into her room yet either. Instead I just get a pounding headache.

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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Happy_Mcboobs
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:39 AM

That is a good list. 

I'd add...."Don't get angry at your husband for not talking about the loss baby/child".....Husbands grieve differently than their wives. They aren't as vocal. They will have their moments of grief. It was recently explained in an analogy that after a baby/child loss...we are all clinging to our own lifeboats...we're too far a part in the water to help anyone else into their boat....we all have to process the grief on our own. It doesn't help that we try to cling to our husbands for support because they are clinging to their own grief right now whether they "show it" or not. 

Also, grief is a lifelong process. It's scary to think that we will still grieve years from now...but we will, it won't be as hard as it is right now when it's fresh and just beginning but the grief will still be there. There will always be a "hole"....but we will feel better....the times when we cry or get angry or feel guilty will be further apart than they are now.... 

blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:21 PM
I'm glad you found things that work for you. I personally like to talk about Isabelle and her loss to friends and family, to be it isn't about then understanding as knowing they care about her still and to educate them on Anencephaly, which Isabelle had. I also share everything with my DH but most the time I don't need to because he already knows somehow even before me at times.

I also believe in reaching out to a local support group and getting the courage to go so you can talk with other women that understand and know you are not alone. And counseling can help you through the grieving process as well, for me it was easier being in counseling, I didn't fall that hard in depression and I caught myself before I was too far sad and not living life.
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Cal2006
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:03 PM
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 At first I prayed to my Callie. I was too angry and hurt to pray to God. I can now. But at first I prayed to her. I knew that she was in heaven, and would tell God for me. For me that helped a lot. I didn't do that with my miscarriages, but I did with my Callie. I felt like I needed to talk to her.  I agee with your list. I had family members that didn't understand me not wanting to talk to them either. Unless ou are my husband, you don't know what I'm feeling. Even those that have gone through miscarriages, don't understand what you are feeling. I believe that gettng right with God helpe me to get through the past two years (that and an amazing husband who truly knows me better than I know me)

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Mar. 25, 2013 at 8:12 PM

It's a good list. I think each of us have one, it varies from person to person.

lost2013
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:26 AM

Good list, I unfortunately was only 4 weeks when I miscarried so I will never know if my baby was a boy or girl.  I try to keep busy and focus on my 14 month old but even though she puts a smile on my face it still does not completely cure the little hole I have in my heart.  I think more about my lost at work considering I am not so busy, it hit me today a little harder know Easter is this Sunday and that is when we were going to tell everyone the news, but now there is no news to share.

Schaiswife09
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:01 PM
That's a good list. I did get mad with my husband. It only made the process longer and created a wedge between us. Things that helped me were to just cry whenever i felt like it. Some days i cried all day. I listened to songs about loss, read poems, talked to my babies a lot. Its important to remember the pain will fade even tho it seems it will never have an end. Its also very important to not blame yourself for the loss. I had a very hard time with that one
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mommyofnoah208
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:01 PM
So very sorry for your loss, thinking of you. Thank you for sharing
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gcecelie
by Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:36 PM

 I still pray and ask God to talk to her for me. Tell her I love her.

It helps to feel that your loved one can hear you.

Quoting Cal2006:

 At first I prayed to my Callie. I was too angry and hurt to pray to God. I can now. But at first I prayed to her. I knew that she was in heaven, and would tell God for me. For me that helped a lot. I didn't do that with my miscarriages, but I did with my Callie. I felt like I needed to talk to her.  I agee with your list. I had family members that didn't understand me not wanting to talk to them either. Unless ou are my husband, you don't know what I'm feeling. Even those that have gone through miscarriages, don't understand what you are feeling. I believe that gettng right with God helpe me to get through the past two years (that and an amazing husband who truly knows me better than I know me)

 

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gcecelie
by Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:40 PM

 I will add this :-)

Everyone does not do better in isolation and really need support.

Quoting blessedmommie07:

I'm glad you found things that work for you. I personally like to talk about Isabelle and her loss to friends and family, to be it isn't about then understanding as knowing they care about her still and to educate them on Anencephaly, which Isabelle had. I also share everything with my DH but most the time I don't need to because he already knows somehow even before me at times.

I also believe in reaching out to a local support group and getting the courage to go so you can talk with other women that understand and know you are not alone. And counseling can help you through the grieving process as well, for me it was easier being in counseling, I didn't fall that hard in depression and I caught myself before I was too far sad and not living life.

 

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
Mommytoaangel
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:43 PM
Write in a journal talk talk talk allll u want an share it with ur dh df or bf or so if u want sorry 4 ur loss may i ask what happened
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