it's been 6 months since I lost my son (at 17w 5d), a whole half of a year, though it still feels like yesterday. I still have dreams, or rather, nightmares, of that day. The pain, seeing the blood, the drive to the hospital that only took me 25 mins (normally a 30-40 min drive) but I swear it felt like an hour long drive while I was contracting the whole way. Getting the u/s and hearing the news.. my baby was already dead, already in the birth canal, I was in full on labor. Then getting my water broken and being sent up to L&D to deliver. It took an additional 5hrs of contractions before I finally gave birth to my son. I was going to the bathroom every 5-10 mins to pee and that last time I knew it wasn't just pee. I hovered over the toilet and I caught him in my hand as he slid out.. I cried out loud and called for someone, my husband ran into the room then went and got a nurse. She came in and grabbed him and it just made me SO angry that she took him from me, he was MINE and I didn't want anyone else touching him. We walked into the room and I got back into bed while she exacmined him, then she hands him back to me and says"congratulations, it looks like a little boy"... and at those words my heart shattered into five million pieces. There was so much more wrong that went on that day but that's where my night mare always ends... at that moment of being handed my son. That feeling of finally holding my little boy in my arms only to have it be so I can say good-bye. Last month was his due date as well, so he should've been turning a month old, or very close to it... it's amazing how many times your heart can break over the same moment.... At least I know he's here, watching over me. I know that the little soul I'm not carrying inside is one that's been hand selected by him for our family, and I feel so blessed, every day, to not only have had the pleaseure to have been able to carry him in me for as long as I did, but to have him as my perfect little angel to watch over us. I love you Jr.
Mommy's angels: 08/98, 06/99, 08/02, 12/12/02, 05/02/11, Jr-09/25/12