Baby Blues or depression? (Newborn mentioned...)
I had my rainbow baby on March 12th at 12:10pm, after 23 hours of labor, DH and I welcomed a beautiful 8lb 10.7oz, 19", baby boy. I couldn't have been happier. I cried as soon as he started crying, and I didn't stop for a close to an hour, just out of sheer excitement, exhaustion, and being overly happy, a crazy mix of emotions. I was so happy. I held my son, thinking it had to be a dream, that this couldn't be happening to me, and finding it hard to believe he is all ours. In the hospital I was so happy to have him there with me 24/7.. I couldn't stop staring at him. I was in the hospital for 4 days, 3 with a baby I couldn't stop looking at, which is probably why I only got 8 hours of sleep in those 4 days.
But now.... Now I'm home, and I have been for over a week... and now.... Now, I can't stop thinking about our Peanut... And about how he/she should be here too. I know that without our miscarraige, we wouldn't have our precious son, but I can't help but wonder what-if still.
Today, I accidently clipped my sons thumb when I was trimming his fingernails for the first time... I cried, and cried and cried... I still find it hard not to cry, and am currently tearing up just thinking about cutting him. I felt terrible.. I just want to protect him from everything. I feel like the worst mom in the world for making my son bleed. I know that he got over it quickly, and that it will heal just fine, and no one will ever know the difference.
But then there are times where I just need my 'me' time.. Where I am so very lucky that my husband will take him out of the room and hang out with him while I can shower, or watch tv, take a nap, play on facebook, just whatever I want... But I feel terrible, and like I'm being selfish. I feel like I'm supposed to only care about DS right now... but I also feel like a milk machine, where all I do is feed him and feed him and feed him some more. And I'm tired of it... I do pump, so that DH can feed him once a night from a bottle to allow me a little extra sleep, but I just feel like all I am is a cow... Maybe it'll get better once he's older and can socialize with me a little... I mean, he's only 12 days old right now anyway.
I just don't know if I'm depressed because I'm missing our first baby that, unfortunatly, never had a chance...or if I'm just second guessing my mommy skills. I know that the doctors and nurses all told me that these feelings were normal, but I hate them... I just want to be smitten, and in love with my baby...
....Sorry for the ramble. I'll fix it with a couple of pictures of our new bundle, Ian Wade Bradley.