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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

Baby Blues or depression? (Newborn mentioned...)

Posted by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:17 AM
  • 10 Replies

I had my rainbow baby on March 12th at 12:10pm, after 23 hours of labor, DH and I welcomed a beautiful 8lb 10.7oz, 19", baby boy.  I couldn't have been happier.  I cried as soon as he started crying, and I didn't stop for a close to an hour, just out of sheer excitement, exhaustion, and being overly happy, a crazy mix of emotions.  I was so happy.  I held my son, thinking it had to be a dream, that this couldn't be happening to me, and finding it hard to believe he is all ours. In the hospital I was so happy to have him there with me 24/7.. I couldn't stop staring at him. I was in the hospital for 4 days, 3 with a baby I couldn't stop looking at, which is probably why I only got 8 hours of sleep in those 4 days.

But now.... Now I'm home, and I have been for over a week... and now.... Now, I can't stop thinking about our Peanut... And about how he/she should be here too.  I know that without our miscarraige, we wouldn't have our precious son, but I can't help but wonder what-if still. 

Today, I accidently clipped my sons thumb when I was trimming his fingernails for the first time... I cried, and cried and cried... I still find it hard not to cry, and am currently tearing up just thinking about cutting him.   I felt terrible.. I just want to protect him from everything.  I feel like the worst mom in the world for making my son bleed.  I know that he got over it quickly, and that it will heal just fine, and no one will ever know the difference. 

But then there are times where I just need my 'me' time.. Where I am so very lucky that my husband will take him out of the room and hang out with him while I can shower, or watch tv, take a nap, play on facebook, just whatever I want... But I feel terrible, and like I'm being selfish.  I feel like I'm supposed to only care about DS right now... but I also feel like a milk machine, where all I do is feed him and feed him and feed him some more.  And I'm tired of it... I do pump, so that DH can feed him once a night from a bottle to allow me a little extra sleep, but I just feel like all I am is a cow... Maybe it'll get better once he's older and can socialize with me a little... I mean, he's only 12 days old right now anyway.

I just don't know if I'm depressed because I'm missing our first baby that, unfortunatly, never had a chance...or if I'm just second guessing my mommy skills.  I know that the doctors and nurses all told me that these feelings were normal, but I hate them... I just want to be smitten, and in love with my baby...

....Sorry for the ramble.  I'll fix it with a couple of pictures of our new bundle, Ian Wade Bradley.



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by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ranaefahey
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:50 AM
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In 2009 I had a miscarriage and my little girl was 2 at the time. In 2010 I had a little girl, and just like you with this baby I questioned everything.. I felt like I was going crazy.. I felt like " what if Cristian was here.." I felt like a bad mother sometimes.. I sometimes see a little of him, in them.. One day just like you, I clipped my little girl finger too. I cried and cried.. Do you want to know what makes you a good mom? Just look at your little baby.. When that baby smiles at you...to me.. I knew deep inside that Cristian wast ready.. That is why God took him..it wasn't time for him to be with us..so I pray that God takes away those feeling of pain and regret, and fills your heart with great love...
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mmyof2armywife
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:03 AM
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I went though the same thing when I had my son and I still am and he's almost 1 but it starts to not bother you AS much once they start getting older.. Milestones will hurt because you'll wonder about your other baby and everything but its normal.(: 

Angela4boys
by Angela on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:36 AM
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Oh he's perfectly precious!!!  Thanks for sharing with us!

Ok, as for everything else.  I think the best thing you can do, is get more rest, get as much as you can...because lack of sleep makes people feel hopeless.  Don't feel bad about not thinking about peanut every minute, it's ok!  Peanut understands and is so happy about baby Ian, just like you are.  And as for feeling bad for Mommy time, DONT, it's normal, but dont!  In fact, maybe you should just schedule some Mommy time every day.  Talk to hubby, tell him that from x to y you would like him to take care of baby.  That way everyone knows it's gonna happen.  You can take a nap, bath, paint your toe nails, read a book, hang out on the computer, just whatever.  It's good for you to have time to yourself, and really it's good for Daddy to have that time with Ian too....because Dads don't often get that time in the beginning. 

momofcrazypants
by Leslie on Mar. 26, 2013 at 8:49 AM
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What a sweet little baby!! Congrats for you and baby Ian! How cute!! Those first few weeks are tough for any mama. Even if you've never experienced a loss before. It's strictly survival mode! Lol!! I'm so sorry your missing your peanut, but I'm sure peanut want's it's mommy to be happy now. I agree with Anglea4boys on this, if you're feeling tired, get hubby to step in for a bit. It's so hard to function when you're so worn down. The worrying about little things is normal, heck, we used to count pee pee diapers! Lol!! Congrats again.

iSMILEheCRIES
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:27 PM
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 Big hugs.  What a beautiful happy little boy.  I really don't have any advice because my rainbow isn't here yet and I am already worried about the same things.  I think it is very normal to feel like you do, you just need some rest and "me" time.  Hugs honey, now go squeeze that baby extra tight for me cause he is just too cute for words!!!!

mommyofnoah208
by Melissa on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:40 PM
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He is beautiful and congrats! It is very normal to have these feelings..you have the bittersweetness and your bodys hormones are going crazy and you are sleep deprived. The first months of motherhood are beautiful but they are also very hard not getting any sleep and it just makes everything harder being tired. Try to rest when you can, dont feel bad for your feelings. Motherhood is a lot of learning and thats ok! If you get feeling to bad. Ask for help. Its ok. Good luck!
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blessedmommie07
by Desiree on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:31 AM
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Aww he is gorgeous!  Congrats!  I think I am going to be thinking a lot about my Isabelle when I have this baby.  It is so hard not to wonder about the big sibling your rainbow would have and what they would be doing.  It is also a first mom thing to cry when you clip their finger on accident.  I did with my first.  You just get better and better at it each time, it is so hard something though cause they can move in an instant.  Don't beat yourself up, it was an accident.  

It is normal to feel that way.  Heck who wouldn't feel like a cow with all the milk we can produce.  And it is good to get "me time."  Believe me it will help your sanity more and just tell yourself you need me time so you can be a great mom to your son and hopefully not get stressed out as easily when you can have a break.  I would say baby blues but is on the path to PPD.  I would definitely talk about anti-depressants there are safe ones to take while breastfeeding or my personal favorite that doesn't involve medicine is counseling.  But if you don't do either or both now then it probably will just get worse and that isn't good for you or your son.  

tinyfootprint
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:46 AM
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I lost my son at 17 weeks and got pregnant with my daughter 3 months later...i was sad when i came home since i was thinking of him and as his anniversary came up....its still hard...but i am very blessed to being holding my daughter...she can never take his place on this earth or in my heart...but i like to think she was sent here by my son to ease my heart...sorry about the little nail clipping thing :(. Congrats on ur new bundle of joy
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KaTrina8187
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 6:31 PM

Thank you all, very much.

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MommaBoop922
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:09 AM
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Hormones make us feel crazy things. Also early nursing and those first few weeks are so stressful! Just know you are doing the best you an and take it one day at a time. It gets easier. When the weather gets warmer walks outside will also be good. Helps release the happy hormones. If you feel like it becomes too difficult then be sure to go see your doc to be sure everything is okay. ((Hugs))
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