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Hope or Ignore?

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:07 PM
  • 20 Replies

I can't decide if I want to have hope for a new beginning...or crush any hope that could be within me! It's so hard to hope and feel vulnerable again.

I don't think I'm pregnant. We've been trying for a few months, and I'm due for my period in two days. Today I was so incredibly hormonal. It was a really stressful day - our car broke down, we had to find another one for TOMORROW, we have no credit cards or any money, and my family wasn't being gentle when I turned to them to vent. 

I'm not known to cry. Besides my miscarriage and remembering my angel, I usually never cry about anything, and today I couldn't stop. I'm sure it's just hormones from getting my period soon and all the stress, but I hate that hope keeps trying to spark and come alive. Hope keeps whispering "maybe you're pregnant," as I cry a lot during pregnancy and have a terrible temper like I did today.

For those who are trying for a baby, what do you do? Do you dare to hope each month and deal with the crushing blow of disappointment each time AF comes around? Or do you try to smother the hope and ignore the possibility of being pregnant? It feels safer to do the latter...but I just don't know how. It's impossible to ignore it seems, and that's agitating!

It's so hard being patient and waiting for my rainbow. It's hard not going to grab a test (not that we can, having no car and all right now) and finding out early, even if it means staring at a BFN. The hope is the hardest part.

in lovebaby girlpuppy
Babywearing, co-sleeping, exclusively breastfeeding, AP, natural birthing, happily married SAH Mommy to Katherine Isabelle, and mommy to our Angel baby, Elizabeth Rose.

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
busyizzybsmom
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:15 PM

I am so sorry. After years of trying, I still hope each month, but I know that my chances are always slim. I've had every pregnancy symptom in the book and not been pregnant, so I know that (for me), they usually don't indicate anything special. But yes, there's nothing that will ever make me stop hoping. I'm pretty sure that even when we decide we're done and surgical measures are taken I will *still* secretly hope each month that I'm pregnant! Hugs to you!

Turtledoves
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:24 PM

It took me 10 months to get pregnant with my angel. By the end of it, I was exhausted, frustrated and upset. Hoping every month was so difficult and I didn't even have baby fever! It was just that I couldn't accomplish what our goal was, or because I worried that only having one ovary was going to cause secondary infertility.

This time, I want a baby SO badly. I want to be pregnant. Everything in me tells me every day that I'm supposed to be pregnant and gets frustrated that I'm not. Since the stakes seem so much higher, I'm afraid to hope and have negatives for a long time again. I'm afraid it's going to really beat me up mentally and emotionally...but I don't think there's really a way to stop hoping! I wish there was.

I spent a while wanting to hope, waiting to get that drive back after the loss of my angel. Now that it's back, I remember all that went with it and why hope can actually be a burden. 

I hope you get your BFP!

Quoting busyizzybsmom:

I am so sorry. After years of trying, I still hope each month, but I know that my chances are always slim. I've had every pregnancy symptom in the book and not been pregnant, so I know that (for me), they usually don't indicate anything special. But yes, there's nothing that will ever make me stop hoping. I'm pretty sure that even when we decide we're done and surgical measures are taken I will *still* secretly hope each month that I'm pregnant! Hugs to you!


in lovebaby girlpuppy
Babywearing, co-sleeping, exclusively breastfeeding, AP, natural birthing, happily married SAH Mommy to Katherine Isabelle, and mommy to our Angel baby, Elizabeth Rose.

Bailee2b
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:29 PM

I think you have to have hope!  What else is there...despair, sadness?

I hope this is your month, but if not maybe it will be next month.  Hormones can cause such havoc.  Mine are just now returning to normal after my loss.

I'm not one to cry myself and haven't since the d&c.  Today was the first day I have been productive since my loss.  I moved furniture and cleaned the house (which I now realize was not the best idea).  I even did all the laundry.  The last load I took out had our brand new phone in it and I LOST IT!

My husband couldn't understand why I was crying so hard over a phone...obviously it wasn't over the phone.

Hugs to you!  Hang in there!

Turtledoves
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:34 PM

I had that exact thing happen to me about a month and a half ago. I accidently lost my wedding rings and while we were scouring the rooms, my daughter took my phone and dunked it into a big glass of water. The combination made me freak out, I started sobbing. My husband asked why and I told him that I couldn't bear to lose anything else. It was just too much loss. 

I've been doing much better since then though, so I'm not sure if the grief is coming back in short waves and overwhelming me lately, or if my hormones are just flipping out for AF's arrival or something else. 

I guess the opposite of constantly hoping for me is just to not care and be neutral. I know that can't happen, babies are the most important thing to me, but I guess to not put so much hope in each month that passes by unsuccessfully. It's hard to become so vulnerable again.

Quoting Bailee2b:

I think you have to have hope!  What else is there...despair, sadness?

I hope this is your month, but if not maybe it will be next month.  Hormones can cause such havoc.  Mine are just now returning to normal after my loss.

I'm not one to cry myself and haven't since the d&c.  Today was the first day I have been productive since my loss.  I moved furniture and cleaned the house (which I now realize was not the best idea).  I even did all the laundry.  The last load I took out had our brand new phone in it and I LOST IT!

My husband couldn't understand why I was crying so hard over a phone...obviously it wasn't over the phone.

Hugs to you!  Hang in there!


in lovebaby girlpuppy
Babywearing, co-sleeping, exclusively breastfeeding, AP, natural birthing, happily married SAH Mommy to Katherine Isabelle, and mommy to our Angel baby, Elizabeth Rose.

Bailee2b
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:44 PM

I agree the vulnerability is the hardest part!  I just have to keep hope right now.  Everything is so down and I need to be up again!  

After my last message...

I put aside a wallet for my daughter to put her Easter money and gift cards in.  I was so excited to give it to her.  I told her if she was a good girl and cleaned all her stuff up she had a surprise waiting for her.  She did everything she was supposed to (what a good girl).  Guess what?  I couldn't find the wallet!  Again I lost it :(.  After about a half hour I found it but I am so done for tonight!!!

I am very ready for some sense of normalcy!  

I think you put it perfect "I couldn't bear to lose anything else. It was too much loss."

Quoting Turtledoves:

I had that exact thing happen to me about a month and a half ago. I accidently lost my wedding rings and while we were scouring the rooms, my daughter took my phone and dunked it into a big glass of water. The combination made me freak out, I started sobbing. My husband asked why and I told him that I couldn't bear to lose anything else. It was just too much loss. 

I've been doing much better since then though, so I'm not sure if the grief is coming back in short waves and overwhelming me lately, or if my hormones are just flipping out for AF's arrival or something else. 

I guess the opposite of constantly hoping for me is just to not care and be neutral. I know that can't happen, babies are the most important thing to me, but I guess to not put so much hope in each month that passes by unsuccessfully. It's hard to become so vulnerable again.

Quoting Bailee2b:

I think you have to have hope!  What else is there...despair, sadness?

I hope this is your month, but if not maybe it will be next month.  Hormones can cause such havoc.  Mine are just now returning to normal after my loss.

I'm not one to cry myself and haven't since the d&c.  Today was the first day I have been productive since my loss.  I moved furniture and cleaned the house (which I now realize was not the best idea).  I even did all the laundry.  The last load I took out had our brand new phone in it and I LOST IT!

My husband couldn't understand why I was crying so hard over a phone...obviously it wasn't over the phone.

Hugs to you!  Hang in there!



yperez0209
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:00 PM

After I loss my baby in August of last year, I knew we would be open to getting pregnant. So, I just lived my life and tried not to obsess over getting pregnant again. Of course every month that I did get my period it was disappointing I knew next month would bring promise. If it helps any, I am also a stay at home mom, and I chose to join a local gym and work on myself. It took us about 3 months to conceive and I was 50 pounds lighter and felt great  ( I started working out a few months before I got pregnant with the baby we lost ) The time also passed easier because I wasn't just home, I filled the few hrs I had of down time with being surrounded by other women at the gym and letting it all out that way. 

I hoped this helped. (((HUGS))) to you. 

Turtledoves
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:08 PM

That's a great idea. I've been trying to do something similar and work on myself. I actually need to gain weight, so I've been eating healthy and working out to gain some muscle. I'm trying to improve my house and cooking skills (I've always wanted to go to culinary school, instead I"m doing the next best thing and reading and doing!) and just trying to keep myself distracted. It never works though, at the end of each month I go crazy and each AF that shows it a direct blow to my heart. Hopefully my hormones will calm down and I won't feel such a strong need to be pregnant right this moment. No idea if that'll ever happen though!

Quoting yperez0209:

After I loss my baby in August of last year, I knew we would be open to getting pregnant. So, I just lived my life and tried not to obsess over getting pregnant again. Of course every month that I did get my period it was disappointing I knew next month would bring promise. If it helps any, I am also a stay at home mom, and I chose to join a local gym and work on myself. It took us about 3 months to conceive and I was 50 pounds lighter and felt great  ( I started working out a few months before I got pregnant with the baby we lost ) The time also passed easier because I wasn't just home, I filled the few hrs I had of down time with being surrounded by other women at the gym and letting it all out that way. 

I hoped this helped. (((HUGS))) to you. 


in lovebaby girlpuppy
Babywearing, co-sleeping, exclusively breastfeeding, AP, natural birthing, happily married SAH Mommy to Katherine Isabelle, and mommy to our Angel baby, Elizabeth Rose.

Angela4boys
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 6:58 AM

I dont know why it is, but after a loss, it seems like everything that could go wrong, is wrong!  I had my world crash down too.  I think you just have to recognize what you can change or fix, and let the rest go.

As for hope, it's all you've got Hun.  Test or not test...I always test...seeing a BFN is ok to me...I buy tests in bulk on Amazon, 50 at a time, and pee at will.  If you are not, you just plan out your next month.

momofcrazypants
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 9:45 AM

Wow. Where do I start? Lol. This baby in November that we lost was the first baby DH and I tried to conceive on purpose! My DD and DS were both excellent and much welcomed surprises. So after my cycle returned, I tried to learn as much about it as I could. I had never charted nor kept track of any of that before. I knew I had a period every month, never really paid attention to what day and when I O'd etc, etc. So I started doing that after this loss. Primarily just to teach myself what I could. Until this month. I realized that it was driving me nuts. I too buy tests in bulk and testing all the time was just feeling a little too neurotic to me. And seeing bfns wasn't helping either. For now, I just try to keep busy and if it happens, it does. I may take everything back up later, but I just needed a break for now. :)

momofcrazypants
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 9:47 AM

I just lost my train of thought!! Lol. I also wanted to add that it does seem like when it rains, it pours. Things just keep on hitting us over and over and over again. Like things are crashing down on your head. But it's got to turn around. It can't be like this all the time. (hugs)

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