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Many of you know I'm 19 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby.  Last night I went to the ER because I was feeling contraction like pains.  Everything with baby is good.  Doctor thinks I might have pulled a muscle.  Well he ordered an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech asked if I knew the sex yet and if I wanted to know.  I said I did. 

The tech looked and her guess was a boy.  But when she first said it she admitted the umbilical cord was close and baby had his hand by his stuff.  She kept looking and saw the baby open it's legs and I could clearly see why she thought boy and she pointed it out. 

I was happy at first but then and now I'm a little sad.  Even in denial a bit.  I have two boys already and lost my only daughter.  DH and I have been wanting a daughter even before we lost Isabelle.  I was so sure this baby was going to be a girl too.  Maybe I was hoping or wanting it too much.  I love this baby so much and I feel guilty that I'm a little sad.

This baby will be our last, DH limit is 3 boys so there is no way he would try again for a chance of getting another boy.  We both will be getting fixed after this baby is born.  So I kind of feel like I will never at this point (we might adopt in the future) get to have a mother/daughter relationship, buy cute dresses and do my daughter's hair.  It was so hard carrying Isabelle knowing I would just lose her and everything I would miss.  Now it feels like I'm losing an oppertunity all over again almost.  Gosh this emotions and feelings are so confusng after a loss.

Our offical ultrasound date is on April 11th so we will know for sure if the tech is right.  I want to hold out hope she was wrong but I kind of know deep down she is probably right.  I feel so bad for feeling like this, I love this baby so much whether boy or girl.  And I am just grateful this baby is healthy.

by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Replies (11-11):
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 11:12 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly normal.  I have a preferance for a girl and when I was pregnant I just felt it was a boy.  I will never know the answer to that now, but I have guilt over the wishing.

I'm sure you are extremely emotional after all you've been through.  I'm so happy that your baby is doing well and you will be able to hold that boy or girl in your arms.

Hugs to you!

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