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Spirituality after baby loss?

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:28 AM
  • 17 Replies

So, I was thinking about this a few days ago...and another mommy in a different baby loss forum elsewhere posted about this yesterday. She got a lot of reponse all different and some similar but all good.

She was in the angry at God stage of grief....

I, however, am not in that stage. I don't look forward to the anger stage because I'm sure it will be horrendous for me! I am not typically an angry person. I'm a very happy-go-lucky optimist sees the light in everything type. 

I don't see the light in my loss though. :( Which makes me feel all the more crazy because I'm not feeling my typical happy self these days. 

I dont' feel spiritual either.

Some say it will come....eventually, it's a stray away and God waits for you to return....

One comment resonated, the mom stated about how our relationship with God is a parent/child relationship. Just as with parents & children--parents often have to say "no" and the child might have a "tantrum/fit" about it. The child doesn't understand the reason for not getting his/her way. And so--that fits...God being the parent telling us no...and us not understanding and having a fit about it! Eventually, we have to come to terms with not understanding and move on. 

It seems I've met a few that never come back to their spirituality. Maybe they never were very spiritual, maybe they were....but after a loss--they don't return or haven't yet....maybe it just takes some longer than others....

It's a weird thing though.

God is supposed to be good. And yet, our babies are taken away to be angels! :( 

I haven't liked anyone mentioning God at all. Whether it be in a "comforting" way or to see other mommies in loss mention clinging to their faith. 

How do you cling to your faith in something that seems so wrong and against a good God? 

I feel like I'm pretty spiritual. I believe in God. I pretty much cling to God the most during pregnancy! And I was getting better during this last pregnancy...and yet, I'm a loss mommy! :( 

I don't feel angry at God. Maybe bitter? Really, just sad. I don't really want anything to do with Him right now. 

Any thoughts? 

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:28 AM
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by Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:44 AM
I knew God was the only thing that was going get me through my loss. I got closer I know he never meant to hurt me God is all we need. I was angry towards others who got to keep there babies. When it got closer to my due date I found out my little sister still in high school was pregnant and also my cousin accidentally got pregnant. I was ttc it had been 6months of trying with many people getting pregnant on accident. I was going to test on my due date. Instead af came. I lost it I finally broke down and blamed God. I was very angry at myself for blaming him. I still felt comfort in the lord. Even though I freaked. My next cycle I found out I was pregnant. I believe God was making me a stronger mother. I have a perfect angel baby waiting for me in heaven and a perfect son who is 3 months now. I am truly blessed.
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:58 PM

I get angry at God off and on.  My due date is approaching on April 14th and i don't know how i fill feel on that day.  When i lost the baby at 5 weeks i had comfort in God, but then i got angry at God, and got angry by seeing others pregnant.  I still do at tiems, and i hope that it will pass and i will move on.  Everyone tells me to rest in the lord, that is so hard to do that and i dont' know if i'm fulling resting in the lord or not. 

by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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I didn't go through an "angry at God" phase after my miscarriage. I did go through some "very frustrated with God" phases when I was struggling with infertility though. Lots of bitterness and discontent - why do *they* get to be pregnant and I don't? I think my struggle with infertility actually helped me to get through my miscarriage though. I was clinging so tightly to my desires and what *I* thought was the best for me at the time, thinking it was my "right" to be pregnant. I was clinging harder to the idol of pregnancy than to God. My devotion was misplaced. God broke my fingers that were clinging to that idol and forced me to hold my desires up to Him with open hands. Since then I have never looked at my children as my own. They are God's and they are lent to me for a little while. The more I cling to things and try hold onto them the faster they slip through my fingers. When I hold things with open palms though God has blessed it, time and time again. 

Miscarriage is another trial. It's another ugly thing that is the result of Adam & Eve's sin in the garden of Eden. I think it's part of the way that the woman's role in childbearing was cursed. Bringing children into the world is hard. There are physical and emotional difficulties associated with it, and some of these difficulties (miscarriage & stillbirth being an extreme example) are downright awful. But, for me, it reminds me of how much I need Him. I have 3 healthy children that survived. And *I* survived my pregnancies. Honestly, I don't deserve any of these blessings. I'm selfish, short tempered, and would not win any Mom of the Year awards. But He blesses me still. Along the lines of your parent/child analogy, I'm a fussy & argumentative child, but He still loves me. 

Anyway, sorry, sort of rambling there. But those are my thoughts/experiences with how my miscarriage affected my faith and how they related. 

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:16 PM
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So far, I haven't gotten so angry with God that it didn't pass within a few mintues.  I think I know deep down that something was wrong with my baby, and God spared him from a life even more difficult than this one can be. 

That doesn't mean that I am not resentful, I just feel like I understand.  I have had more than one occasion where I have been completely broken down, screaming out loud, at God that this is not fair-but it makes sense that we are like his children, and sometimes he says "no" and we have to learn to accept it.  I am a lot like you, very optimistic. While there isn't a bright side to our situation, I do find comfort in my idea that my baby was spared from somthing.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:20 PM
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After I lost Avery, I spent 5 days in the hospital, every day the nurses asked if I wanted to see the chaplain, and every day I said No, that I didn't need to....until the last day.  The last day I was really emotional, it all hit me hard.  They had brought Avery in one last time, the funeral home was coming to pick him up.  The lady came in to fill out the death certificate.  It all just hit me.  I needed to have the chaplain come in, and I'm really glad I did.  He said something to me that has stuck with me, and played over and over in my head.  He said that we are all tested by God, but that Avery was so pure, he didn't need to be tested, he was able to go to Heaven.  That one phrase has stuck with me.  I thought about the suffering that we go through here, the trials and tribulations, but Avery would never have to go through any of that.  I thought about Heaven being the ultimate destination, that's what all spiritual humans strive for.  It's a place of peace and love beyond what we can comprehend here on Earth, and that is where Avery is.  He waits for us, he's in good company there, and I'm at peace with it. 

I'd love to have had him here with us.  I don't know why it happened...I just know that it did, and from that experience of loss, I have the opportunity grow and learn.  As much as it hurts to lose a baby, I can relate to people in a different way, that I couldn't before.  I have a deeper compassion that I didn't have before, because it was something I couldn't understand. 

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:26 PM
I'm still in the angry with god phase. I don't like responses mentioning god or prayer. I say I'll keep you in my thoughts and heart. I hope I can get over this stage. I've been with my dh for 12 years I have a 6 yr old dd and my loss. We only used protection for a year in our relationship. I had prayed hard for a playmate for my dd for god to take it away when it finally happened. Maybe I'm just bitter idk.
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by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:16 PM
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In my experiences, I've always found when people are experiencing grief or hardships they either run from God or run to him. My late husband passed away almost 4 years ago (I'm remarried now) and I have lost 2 babies. One around 9 weeks and one at 14 weeks. I've had my fair share of asking why but I've never been mad at God. My late husband and I knew he wasn't going to live very long but we held on to faith and prayed. A couple weeks before he passed away he asked me not to be mad at God. God wasn't taking him from me but he was bringing him home to his place in the mansion. He didn't want to die and he sure didn't want to leave me while I was pregnant but he knew God would take care of us. I stopped going to church for a little while after he passed but it wasn't because I was mad. It was just hard going without him. God may do something but he never does it to hurt us. I remember my late husband telling me that God was helping him, not hurting me. I know God didn't take my babies to hurt me either. I will be with them again one day. I just need to be patient as God does his will with me here. God blessed me with another husband and 2 living sons. I will be blessed with all one day.
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by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:36 PM

I don't know where I'm at exactly. I think it will still be some time for me to figure that part out and not all of that has to do with losing my baby.  I do know that I am not "angry" with God. It doesn't compute nor does it make sense to me in my logical brain, but then again there are so many other things in life that do the same thing that aren't even related to pregnancy or loss. I guess that's really all I have at the moment with this subject. Lol. I like to consider myself a spirtual person and I do know that I am on some sort of journey,  just not too certain at the moment how it's going to end.

by Steph on Apr. 9, 2013 at 3:01 PM
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I was frustrated with God, not knowing why he had given me and took away my angel "G." Again when angel "C" was taken I was more than confused. With their being a "reason" for this- we want an answer, NOW.

I don't know if God was trying to bring me closer to him by making me frustrated for giving me his angels to carry for the short time I had with them.

I will never know why exactly he did what he did. Last year I had been reading the entire Bible. Before angel C was taken from me, I had read Romans 8:26-27


26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Strangely enough, I was comforted enough. I was earnestly praying at that time that whatever was happening to us (baby C and I), he would take care of us. The pregnancy was the most mind wracking one I had ever experienced, and I had a very long weekend from finding out about the pregnancy Nov 1st, to my follow up blood test Nov 5th.

I still don't understand exactly why everything happened, but I hold on knowing that one day- all of my questions will be answered. That simple joy of hope.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 3:08 PM
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I was angry in the beginning. I didn't like anyone telling me anything related to God either such as it was his plan. The anger phase is gone for me. I oscillate between denial and acceptance. I made a conscious choice to look toward God. It was hard but I prayed for my fear to subside and my faith to return. I also started reading the bible and a book by Doreen Virtue called Divine Guidance. I looked into anything and everything. I'm now taking a self course called A Course in Miracles. It's really interesting.
So through this I have actually built a stronger faith and turned TO God. But I made that conscious choice. It would have been just as easy to turn away. I think it's natural to want to blame someone. I also think its ok to blame God or even the doctors. They can take it. Just don't blame ourselves.
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