Miscarriage-Loss, Pain and Suffering
I found out 3 weeks ago, I was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. Saw a little heart beat and everything. What a MIRACLE that was as I am 35 and it was our first time trying. My Husband actually flew to visit me in Israel where I was visitng a friend, on his way home from a business trip. We spent three lovely days together and I got pregnant. It was actually funny, he kept saying he wanted to come there and get me pregnant in the Holy Land. We didnt think it would really happen though. I mean, first time trying and in 3 days...crazy.
That said, a week later, I found out my Father had died. We never had a good relationship. Actually we had quite the unhealthy relationship. Yet it broke my heart that he died not wanting to know me. Not wanting to ever have tried to mend our relationship. So I find out he died, alone in his home, found when the police broke through a window after a friend he had plans with said he didnt respond for days.
I identified the body. I planned the funeral. And I thought to myself, "God took his life but is giving me this baby to make the relationship I never was going to have with my Father".
The funeral was Wednesday.
Thursday there was blood. By Friday it was not stopping. And after visiting the doctors office I learned there was no longer a heart beat and that my luxurious options were to have a Natural Miscarriage or a D & C.
I chose Natural. So I sit in my home as I write this, bleeding and saying goodbye to this...this heartbeat. A heart beat and all the plans I made for this life that was coming to me instead of leaving. And I feel so lonely and scared. Is my body not good enough? Did I take too much on? Was this my chance? If I am blessed to ever carry a baby, will I be able to enjoy the pregnancy or will it just be full of paralyzing fear?
Physically I feel shooting pains in my stomach. I almost welcome them to let me know this all really happened and is not just a nightmare. I had said to my Husband that you only get what you can stand but this, THIS IS TOO MUCH. And I would give anything to lay in bed and wake up to a different life. Unrealistic, I know. But this experience has completely changed me. I feel so broken.
We dont have any children. This gift that felt like the biggest blessing has left me feeling like I am living the biggest nightmare. Only 8 weeks and my heart hurts this much. It was nothing. Minisucle. But that heartbeat...there was something inside of me that we created and now its gone. I dont know where to start, to heal.