My emotions are so wacked out. I know how I "should" feel in a situation but thats not really what comes out. I just feel like I need my life to slow down so I can actually have time to live it like I should. So much has happened with in the last year I found out I was pregnant in March of last year lost the baby in July a few weeks after that I found out my grandmother had a terminal cancer in her bile duct and that she had 6-12 months to live. Im very close with my grandma and her not being able to be there when I had a child tore me up inside. She started Chemo and by the miracle the chemo did wonders shrunk the cancer more than expected to the point of it going away completely. Meanwhile during my grandmas chemo my grandfathers health decrease alot with his dementia. He no longer knew who I was. He turned 94 on Jan 20th and in his hospice bed told me 94 and no more. It wasnt like him at all he was always excited for his next birthday. Five days later he passed away. I then became pregnant again in the end of February but lost the baby the day before Easter march 30 at 7 weeks. It was a huge surprise unlike last time because the day before my ultrasound showed a healthy baby. All I did was stand up from the couch and blood just poured everywhere out of me. Now a few weeks ago my other grandmother health declined after a fall and we were informed she was put on hospice. Last Wednesday we got the call she had gone unconcious and she was no longer eating. We rushed down the next day and she didnt look good at all. I went back yesterday and she looked so peaceful which i was so thankful for. I told her hi grandma Caitlins here and held her hand and she opened her eyes! Everyone was shocked since she hadnt done that since Thursday. THe gurgling so so bad and her breaths were becoming delayed. I leaned over and pet her hair told her she was loved and that it was okay to let go that everyone was okay and she would be too. I told her I loved her and kissed her forehead. This afternoon I got the call that she had passed. I have felt so off ever since. She lived to 91 years. Im glad it happened fast and she didnt suffer. I havent cried I just have a confused angry feeling inside.
I told a friend on Friday everything that was going on and telling her I was off and that I didnt think I could handle anymore dealth or sadness. That no one was allowed to die. She told me that Ive always been a strong person and that she looked up to me for that because unless i had mentioned what was going on she would have thought nothing was going on because I dont show it. Ive never wanted to bring people down with me so i wait for closed doors to let things out. Right now I dont feel strong though. I feel like Im cracking for the first time in my life.
I just want life to give me break and slow down. Let me greive or accept one thing before Im smacked with another.
on Apr. 22, 2013 at 3:32 AM