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Vasectomy **Edit/update

Posted by on May. 3, 2013 at 8:49 PM
  • 17 Replies

Hi :) I'm not really sure where else to share this, but since it applies in a way, I thought I'd share it here. I just need to share it. DH and I have been married almost 7 years. We have 4 children, though none together. We have had two early miscarriages, and then an unexplained still birth at 39 weeks. That was over three years ago, and finally, tonight, we agreed that we would not try again. Dh is going to call Monday and make an appointment for a vasectomy. We've had the counseling, preliminary appointment, etc, so he can go ahead and have it done. A part of me is relieved that we've finally reached a permanent choice, but a part me is devastated that I'll never have my husband's child. I love our children, don't get me wrong, we have my bio son, dh's bio son, and then our niece and nephew, and they are 11, 14, 15, and 16, so a baby wouldn't fit in too well anyway, we just aren't in a baby stage, but still. It hurts to know that it isn't going to happen. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Any kind words of advice? 



*****Thank you all for your advice and kind words. DH and I have spent the last few days discussing it more, and this morning, he called and made the appointment. I am at peace with this decision, not exactly happy, but at peace, and I know it is the right one. Thanks again :)

by on May. 3, 2013 at 8:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Bailee2b
by Marnel on May. 3, 2013 at 10:36 PM

I haven't been in this situation before but I feel for you.  I think if you are to the point in agreeing not to try again than that may be what is best for you.  Take a couple more days to make sure that you are content with your decision.  Hugs.

jojo_star
by Member on May. 4, 2013 at 12:11 AM

Thank you. I thought that this was what I wanted, but now that we have decided, I'm not sure. I am relieved that we aren't in the limbo that we've been in since we lost our daughter, but at the same time, it's scary to think that we are doing something so permanent. But, I do think it is for the best, I'm just too scared of another loss to try again. 

Quoting Bailee2b:

I haven't been in this situation before but I feel for you.  I think if you are to the point in agreeing not to try again than that may be what is best for you.  Take a couple more days to make sure that you are content with your decision.  Hugs.


Happy_Mcboobs
by on May. 4, 2013 at 12:37 AM

I have a lot of mom friends who shipped their husbands all off to the same doctor for the big snip. Most of them have only had two kids and I don't think any of them had losses but I am not sure because no one really talks about that....and none of them have come forward to say since my loss...

I think that the V is the right choice. In my opinion, i will eventually hit menopause and natural I can't have babies anymore so it's only fair that my husband be infertile with me! I don't want to be on BC forever & I don't want to worry about fertile times forever either..I told my husband that he has until I'm 35. I am 32...I figured I would want my last baby at 35 & be okay with being done. Of course, I know that my ache for another baby will never go away! :( And having a loss where I almost died--I am not sure I want to go again either! :( I'm too scared to lose again but I'm also scared to have another girl. I have four girls but I lost my son & I want my son! 

I think that it's only normal for you to be second guessing yourself. I think that you need to stick to your guns. I overthink things, anything. I was overthinking and second guessing getting a memorial tattoo today for my lost son...but I did it! My husband stuck to the guns for me! *lol* I am glad. I have a unique little reminder for me to forever remember that I did get pregnant with a boy and that he is soaring over me in Heaven! 

I have thought about how my baby is waiting for me & I feel lucky that God picked me to be a mother forever. Most people will get to Heaven with grown children but I have a baby waiting for me to mother him! I am an optimist...so, that little thought brings me some comfort. 

Anyways, it's totally normal to secondguess yourself. Plan something special for the older kids. A special trip somewhere to relax and enjoy life. It'll be okay! Think about how wonderful it is to have a final decision and not be stuck in limbo & fear anymore. :) 

jojo_star
by Member on May. 4, 2013 at 12:42 AM

I hadn't thought of it that way before, but yes, I will hit menopause at some point. But part of my hesitancy is also my age. Dh is 37, but I am 25. Even though in my life I'm pretty far removed from most other 25 year olds, I can't help but just feel...I don't know, empty? But that isn't really the right word either. I'm a bit tipsy already, so maybe tomorrow, I'll be able to better put it into words. We always knew that this is how we would end it, when we were done, but I always just thought we'd have one baby together. 

But, you are right, I do need to stick to my guns. This is the best choice for us. I just need to deal with my messy emotions that I didn't really realize were there. It will be nice to be done with birth control in a few months. 

Quoting Happy_Mcboobs:

I have a lot of mom friends who shipped their husbands all off to the same doctor for the big snip. Most of them have only had two kids and I don't think any of them had losses but I am not sure because no one really talks about that....and none of them have come forward to say since my loss...

I think that the V is the right choice. In my opinion, i will eventually hit menopause and natural I can't have babies anymore so it's only fair that my husband be infertile with me! I don't want to be on BC forever & I don't want to worry about fertile times forever either..I told my husband that he has until I'm 35. I am 32...I figured I would want my last baby at 35 & be okay with being done. Of course, I know that my ache for another baby will never go away! :( And having a loss where I almost died--I am not sure I want to go again either! :( I'm too scared to lose again but I'm also scared to have another girl. I have four girls but I lost my son & I want my son! 

I think that it's only normal for you to be second guessing yourself. I think that you need to stick to your guns. I overthink things, anything. I was overthinking and second guessing getting a memorial tattoo today for my lost son...but I did it! My husband stuck to the guns for me! *lol* I am glad. I have a unique little reminder for me to forever remember that I did get pregnant with a boy and that he is soaring over me in Heaven! 

I have thought about how my baby is waiting for me & I feel lucky that God picked me to be a mother forever. Most people will get to Heaven with grown children but I have a baby waiting for me to mother him! I am an optimist...so, that little thought brings me some comfort. 

Anyways, it's totally normal to secondguess yourself. Plan something special for the older kids. A special trip somewhere to relax and enjoy life. It'll be okay! Think about how wonderful it is to have a final decision and not be stuck in limbo & fear anymore. :) 


Angela4boys
by Angela on May. 4, 2013 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this

No, I haven't, and I can't lie, I hate to see people going the permanent route.  Our feeling is, a baby always fits in, and those older kids would be like extra Mommies and Daddies to baby...as it turns out, my siblings are 13, 15, and 17 years younger than me, and I loved when my Mom had them!  My step daughter is 22, and our oldest together is 13 (we also have an 11 y/o, 8 y/o, 6 y/o, and 2 y/o...we'd love more).  I just feel like that part of you that is devastated, isn't all in, so nothing permanent should be done.  I know way to many families that have chosen permanent methods, and regretted it almost immediately, some have had reversals, and some wish they could afford a reversal. 

I'm sorry I'm not all supportive, I just think this is the time to be serious and real and not beat around the bush with this looming soon.  (((BIG HUGS)))

Angela4boys
by Angela on May. 4, 2013 at 8:29 AM
1 mom liked this

And I should also mention, I'm 36, and my husband is 46...you guys are still young.   In my opinion, you are WAY too young to know you are done.  Ok, now I sound even less supportive!  LOL!  I just want you to know, that I'm supportive of You, I just fear this is a decision you will likely regret, and don't want you to have to live with that.  We live in the day and age when it's all about choices...well, don't take away your ability to choose!  People change, situations change, opinions change...don't make permanent decisions that will take away your ability to choose. 

blessedmommie07
by Desiree on May. 4, 2013 at 10:35 AM
DH and I are also thinking of both getting snipped and tubal. And I am also 25 yrs old. And I've been struggling with if its the right decision too at least for me. DH is 26 yrs and he is done.

My oldest is my bio. And we had our 2nd son together, we lost our daughter and now pregnant with a rainbow who is our 3 boy and last child. DH does not want more than 3 boys so he doesn't want to chance of getting 4 boys. But we've had 3 together. So he is getting snipped no matter what he said whether I died young (with all we been through in our 4 yrs of marriage if we were to divorce it would have happened already) and he remarried he still would be done. But for me I can't really say the same.

We both was to be young empty nesters. And I support him in getting snipped as I'm fine with that. But I am having doubts of getting a tubal even though pregnancy is hard on me being so young still so I can't imagine it won't be worse later in my life. But we've also talked about adopting hopefully a little girl when the boys are a little older and I love that. I think it is normal to have doubts and be scared that it is permanent so you don't want to make the wrong choice.

But you also have to agree I believe. I agree it is right for my husband but not quite sure yet for me. If your not quite sure if your husband should maybe you should talk about it more. It is normal to be scared of another loss but you never know what could happen. Had we been too scared to try again I wouldn't be pregnant with my rainbow right now who is perfectly healthy and the pregnancy has gone so well so far. With you I think you might regret at least not trying one more time and if that happens you'll probably get hit really bad with depression. For me I had to prove to myself I could carry at least one more healthy baby. Just my view and story and something to think about.
iSMILEheCRIES
by Gold Member on May. 4, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Its all a very personal choice. Me personally, I don't think I'm ready for a permenant decision because so much can change. If it was me I would try an IUD..5 years later if you want a V or tubal I say go for it! I think if you are already iffy I wouldn't do it. Hugs sorry for the lack of support here, most of us are sappy and can't bear the fact that babies might not be in the future so we feel a little too personal about YOUR private life..sorry, I don't want us sappy girls to sway you if you are sure
Happy_Mcboobs
by on May. 4, 2013 at 1:16 PM

If your husband is okay & ready & willing to get a "V" than I say there isn't any reason for you to get a tubal. You will eventually be in your 40s and eventually you will hit a natural menopause. So if you are unsure about a tubal, don't get it but only because your husband is willing to take the V precautions & you will go that route naturally. Women lose their ability to have children naturally. sure, plenty of moms are pregnant in their 40s & 50s but they also want babies at that age. They were never done to have a baby in their 50s and a lot of them use surrogates or hormone replacement therapy to get pregnant! And the older you are, the harder the pregnancy is on your body as well. 

I admire your husband for being willing. A lot of husbands do that. My husband isn't willing to get the big snip. I want him too eventually when I'm ready....and I'll never really be ready....but we''ll cross that bridge eventually.


Quoting blessedmommie07:

DH and I are also thinking of both getting snipped and tubal. And I am also 25 yrs old. And I've been struggling with if its the right decision too at least for me. DH is 26 yrs and he is done.

My oldest is my bio. And we had our 2nd son together, we lost our daughter and now pregnant with a rainbow who is our 3 boy and last child. DH does not want more than 3 boys so he doesn't want to chance of getting 4 boys. But we've had 3 together. So he is getting snipped no matter what he said whether I died young (with all we been through in our 4 yrs of marriage if we were to divorce it would have happened already) and he remarried he still would be done. But for me I can't really say the same.

We both was to be young empty nesters. And I support him in getting snipped as I'm fine with that. But I am having doubts of getting a tubal even though pregnancy is hard on me being so young still so I can't imagine it won't be worse later in my life. But we've also talked about adopting hopefully a little girl when the boys are a little older and I love that. I think it is normal to have doubts and be scared that it is permanent so you don't want to make the wrong choice.

But you also have to agree I believe. I agree it is right for my husband but not quite sure yet for me. If your not quite sure if your husband should maybe you should talk about it more. It is normal to be scared of another loss but you never know what could happen. Had we been too scared to try again I wouldn't be pregnant with my rainbow right now who is perfectly healthy and the pregnancy has gone so well so far. With you I think you might regret at least not trying one more time and if that happens you'll probably get hit really bad with depression. For me I had to prove to myself I could carry at least one more healthy baby. Just my view and story and something to think about.



Happy_Mcboobs
by on May. 4, 2013 at 1:25 PM

25 does seem young to do something permanant but that doesn't change my opinion. There are plenty of younger folks that make a decision like the one you are making. Single guys go and do it because they know they don't want children! I firmly believe not everyone is meant to be a parent. And I was in the infertility boat with irregular periods & doctors telling me I couldn't have children too! Maybe if I hadn't had any children, I would feel slightly different towards that stance but it's a whole different entry & not one i want to journey down or need too. 

Your husband is older & y'all do have kids....think about when they leave the nest & it's just the two of you together? The fun you can have when you are young rather than waiting until old age to have empty nest fun! It's a lot better to travel and do things when you are young! My husband & I never went on a honeymoon because we had a baby. I don't regret that. But it took 10 years before we could take a vacation without the kids!! I guess we could have gone away but I had babies who needed me....I still have kids that need me but I don't know where I'm going with this.....

I think if you have committed---you are only secondguessing yourself. 

And think about how you have a baby waiting for you in Heaven. :) You get to raise a baby in a place that isn't sinful later on when most won't have any babies--you will! :) Granted, it's a weird thought....but it's sort of neat in my opinion. and not one most people think about. 


Quoting jojo_star:

I hadn't thought of it that way before, but yes, I will hit menopause at some point. But part of my hesitancy is also my age. Dh is 37, but I am 25. Even though in my life I'm pretty far removed from most other 25 year olds, I can't help but just feel...I don't know, empty? But that isn't really the right word either. I'm a bit tipsy already, so maybe tomorrow, I'll be able to better put it into words. We always knew that this is how we would end it, when we were done, but I always just thought we'd have one baby together. 

But, you are right, I do need to stick to my guns. This is the best choice for us. I just need to deal with my messy emotions that I didn't really realize were there. It will be nice to be done with birth control in a few months. 

Quoting Happy_Mcboobs:

I have a lot of mom friends who shipped their husbands all off to the same doctor for the big snip. Most of them have only had two kids and I don't think any of them had losses but I am not sure because no one really talks about that....and none of them have come forward to say since my loss...

I think that the V is the right choice. In my opinion, i will eventually hit menopause and natural I can't have babies anymore so it's only fair that my husband be infertile with me! I don't want to be on BC forever & I don't want to worry about fertile times forever either..I told my husband that he has until I'm 35. I am 32...I figured I would want my last baby at 35 & be okay with being done. Of course, I know that my ache for another baby will never go away! :( And having a loss where I almost died--I am not sure I want to go again either! :( I'm too scared to lose again but I'm also scared to have another girl. I have four girls but I lost my son & I want my son! 

I think that it's only normal for you to be second guessing yourself. I think that you need to stick to your guns. I overthink things, anything. I was overthinking and second guessing getting a memorial tattoo today for my lost son...but I did it! My husband stuck to the guns for me! *lol* I am glad. I have a unique little reminder for me to forever remember that I did get pregnant with a boy and that he is soaring over me in Heaven! 

I have thought about how my baby is waiting for me & I feel lucky that God picked me to be a mother forever. Most people will get to Heaven with grown children but I have a baby waiting for me to mother him! I am an optimist...so, that little thought brings me some comfort. 

Anyways, it's totally normal to secondguess yourself. Plan something special for the older kids. A special trip somewhere to relax and enjoy life. It'll be okay! Think about how wonderful it is to have a final decision and not be stuck in limbo & fear anymore. :) 




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