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Finally after 5 months I let it out...

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 10:45 PM
  • 7 Replies
Most people know that Josh and I lost a little bean back in January of this year. It was the most devastating time in my life. People reply with comments saying "Oh you will be fine. I had a few miscarriages and I just delt." Some people are so insensitive to the situation. You may have gone through it once and made peace with yourself about it. For a mother going through it right then and there the wounds are still deep. It has taken me five months to grieve about my baby. I was in fear of what people would say to me. How people felt around me being down and in the dumps. People telling me to stay positive about everything and just thank God for the one healthy kid I have. Gosh darn it though, I have every right to be mad at the world for loosing a baby. I have every right to cry when I want and to show raw emotion of loosing a baby. It may not have been a big baby, or the little heart may never have had a beat. It was still a child in my eyes and will always be. There was still a sole that made its way to that being. I see people being so happy all the time for finding out they are expecting. I am so happy for them but sometimes it is so hard to show it because I am still grieving. Not everyone will understand the feelings I am going through right now. I so desperately want that baby back. I want to hear that familiar sound of a swish swish swish of a heartbeat. I want to feel kicks inside of me and know that the baby is growing. I want to buy cloths for the baby and tell everyone their name. I want to be telling my son that he will have a sibling soon. I would have been 27 weeks this week. I would be preparing for a baby. I am not. Instead I am worrying about getting whatever is wrong with my body fixed. I am worried about having a regular cycle again after the loss. I am pleading to God to let this month be my month. I want to rewind back to December and not drink that coffee I did. Not lift that box I did. Not have that glass of wine that I did. I feel like everything I did back then caused the baby to die. I feel like my body failed. Our bodies are made to carry a baby and when that fails, your whole way of thinking about pregnancy and babies fails. I needed to write this and was going to post it on my blog but I decided that I wanted like minded people to see this instead of the people who keep tearing me down. I found out today that my sister inlaw is pregnant and it felt like a stab to the heart. I so badly want to have another baby and we have been trying for a year now and have lost one baby so far during that year. I just keep wondering if this is going to be our month.. last month hubby left on a trip 5 days before ovulation and he is due to leave again during my next ovulation this coming month.. I just can not catch a break...
by on May. 29, 2013 at 10:45 PM
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by on May. 30, 2013 at 1:51 AM
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I know exactly how you feel, but nothing you did caused you to loose the baby. More then half the time it is a chromosomal issue, that wasn't allowing the baby to develop well.

It's hard to be happy for others when you want a baby. Seemed like everyone around me was getting knocked up by accident. There I was griving and trying to get pregnant.

You take the time u need and don't worry about others people's reactions. They can't relate until they've walked in your shoes.
by on May. 30, 2013 at 6:48 AM
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I'm glad you are getting it all out Hun!  (((hugs)))

by Desiree-admin on May. 30, 2013 at 11:29 AM
*hugs* grief is a long process and not everyone gets that it will get easier to cope but the pain is always there. The first 6 months after my Isabelle passed I would say was the hardest. But after that I finally stayed on even ground more. It is good to get all your feelings out especially here where we all can relate and support you.
by on May. 30, 2013 at 12:12 PM

 Vent away...that is what this place is here for.

Nothing you did caused your baby to die. I regret drinking my Dr. Pepper during my loss as well. But doctor after doctor have told me that didn't cause my baby to pass. My baby had trisomy 15, she/he would have passed regardless if I had the Dr. Pepper (or two).

We were created for more than reproduction. We each have a unique set of traits and gifts that we are meant to use and give with, we aren't limited to just giving life.

I've had four losses. I feel the same way you do about wanting to rewind the clock. But life keeps moving forward...thankfully we have each other to lean on during the journey.

Sorry hun...hope this is your month. :)

by New Member on May. 30, 2013 at 12:20 PM
I can't imagine how heartwrenching a miscarriage is. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are dealing with it the best way you can. I wonder about those women who say you will be fine, or just get over it. At what point in their pregnancy did they feel like mother's?? I felt protective and love for our DD's the instant the second line showed up. I don't think anyone ever just gets over a mc. You go ahead and vent all you want. It's normal, healthy, and justified.
by on May. 30, 2013 at 2:41 PM
by on May. 30, 2013 at 2:46 PM

I've had 2 miscarriages. My 1st one (before I had my daughter) didn't bother me at all. I think I was still in shock I was even pregnant. My most recent one in February  crushed me because we weren't planning for one, but were excited about it. I'm now about 9 weeks along with this pregnancy and even though I'm not hurting over the miscarriages anymore I still worry about having one one or something going wrong with the pregnancy.

Take the time you need you need to grieve. Talk to anyone who will listen if that's what it takes to give you some comfort. I hope you can get a little angel soon.

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