traveling through grief
My world has been turned upside down in a matter of 2 months. I went from being content that it was just going to be me, my husband, and the animals since I was told that it would be near impossible to get pregnant to congrats your pregnant! Not only was I pregnant, but with twins. The tech saw a mass which couldn't be explained. The next sono she told us that it was just one baby with a heartbeat and a mass. The next sono she explained that it was in fact twins and they had both passed away two weeks prior. The mass was still there. After several sonos later, we made the decision to take the meds to cause a miscarriage since I couldn't take the emotional and mental trauma of walking around like a coffin. Sept 1 was the initial dose. I lighthly bled the first day and quit bleeding for two days. I was in a great amount of pain and called the doctor only to be told that it didn't seem to be working and they would wait a week before trying the meds again. That same day I started massively bleeding and continued for 8 more days. Concerned over the lack of care that I felt I was getting, I decided to change doctors. The new doctor saw me on a Tuesday, sent me for a sono and scheduled a follow-up appointment on Wednesday. The sono tech found on Wednesday that we had been pregnant with triplets and that none of them made it. He stated that the meds had not caused a miscarriage and that I was still pregnant with all three of them. He also diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), something no doctor had ever diagnosed before. That Friday we were in surgery for a D&C. The pain of their loss has greatly affected me. It's almost as if someone had some sick sense of humor....here let's give this to her and then take it away.....It's brought me to the edge where you don't want to feel, think or hurt anymore. It's also scared my husband. He saw me at my lowest of lows and didn't know if he could pull me back. I've gone through every emotion and have asked the typical "was it my fault" questions. Even though I feel very secure with my new doctor, I still struggle with the loss. I just need some sense of "normal" so that I can once again smile without having to feel fake. I know I never held them, but from the minute I found out that I was pregnant, they held a piece of my heart...the only comfort that I have is that I know my wonderful uncle is up in Heaven holding my babies until I can see them.