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The pain of being so close and losing...

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 12:30 PM
  • 7 Replies

Because of my uhappy childhood I vowed to my mother I would never have children.Be careful what you wish for! In my 40's I became one of those woman who gets the urge to have a baby.Unfortunately I had no man in my life.I was a virgin till 44! Oh yes, we do exist. Anyway, I tried to conceive by way of one night stands.It is unsafe but the desire to have a baby overides safety.So please no need to scold. I think I might have succeeded because I had missed a period and my inner being must have sensed something was happening.I'd guess I was one month pregnant when I got out of the tub to answer the phone.In my hurry (God, why did I rush?) I slipped and fell hard.Immediately I felt pulsating waves down below and I had never experienced that.They lasted all through the night and into the next day.I told two women that night what happened and what I was experiencing but they did not encourage me to go to the hospital.Whether that would have done any good I dont know but I resent that they did not advise me. The next day I started to bleed.It was like a period except there was clumps of blood and a tiny bit of flesh in a curved shape.I'd never had that happen either.Did I just miscarry I wondered? I pushed it out of my mind.No, the fall just triggered a period that was coming.However, I couldnt quite believe that since learning that woman sometimes miscarry and think its just a period and reading what early miscarriages are like. It was my first and last chance to conceive because soon after I became so ill (from Candida I believe) I nearly died and was ill for several years.During that time my periods vanished and now I cant even have sex.Ironically a psychic had told me many years ago she saw a pregnancy.And since I'm no longer fertile, I figure that miscarriage was the pregnancy she had predicted. So here I am at 51, unable to conceive, still no man in my life.Adoption? Not likely by myself.IVF? I'd go for it if I could afford it. I only realized late in life the wonderful gift  and experience that pregnancy is.It is now a very sore subject for me.I wanted so much to experience it and now I can never.Every time I see a pregnant woman or one holding a baby I want to cry.Therapy? Oh dont make me laugh.No amount of therapy or pills or anything esle will make me feel better.I'm a very spiritual person but get no comfort from that. I must admit it is something I cant let go of and wont till my last day on earth.Perhaps grief will kill me and on the other side I will be relieved of my desire to have a baby.It is said that desires are the cause of suffering but we are designed to have desires so I dont know how I'm supposed to let go.I've even begged the Creator to please release me from the desire to have what I now cant do on my own. There is only silence.So many people have babies that shouldnt.So many have babies they dont want.Some even kill their children. Life is so lopsided.All I want is to experience pregnancy and I feel I would be a good mother but its too late and miracles are few.

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 12:30 PM
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Replies (1-7):
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 12:48 PM
((Hugs)) to you!
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 2:52 PM
I'm sorry ((hugs))
by Desiree-admin on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:22 PM

*hugs*  I'm sorry.

by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:33 PM
2 moms liked this
Im very sorry. I encourage you looking into adoption... there are A LOT of children who need homes.
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:46 PM
I am so sorry. I know you said adoption was unlikely but what about being a foster mom? The foster system always needs good people to foster kids.
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 11:08 PM

I am very sorry. thinking of you

by on Dec. 18, 2013 at 8:15 AM

I'm really sorry hun.  I am sorry for your loss.  (((hugs))) 

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