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How do you deal with overwhelming emotions that resurface years later....

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 5:35 PM
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Hi, I am new here, but sadly not new to being an Angel Mom.  My husband and I TTC'd for over 15 years. We managed to somehow conceive a child naturally, after being told we would never, ever be able to get pregnant.  After we lost that one in 2006, we decided to jump on the baby train and did fertility treatments during the last year that we were TTC'd. We conceived our son on the last cycle of Clomid that I did.  Sadly, after 8 weeks, he grew his wings in 2007.  I stopped trying after losing him, I sadly gave up on life, I didn't care about anything or anyone anymore... I gained a lot of weight, and spent most my time wanting to die.

I don't want to say I "got over it" because I haven't, but the wanting to die faded away for the most part, until recently.  I find myself in a very dark place these days and I find myself thinking a lot about death and the meaning of life.  My husband and I would love to adopt, but financially, that is something that is not possible at this time.   As Christmas gets closer, my feelings get darker.... I am trying hard to stay swimming, but I feel like I am being pulled under the water.   Does anyone experience this.... how to you cope?

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 5:35 PM
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by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 6:19 PM
I'm not as far along as you but I can say I relate to those feelings and I can easily find myself sinking into that dark place. I have 2 living children and hopefully one on the way and I owe it to them to stay present. This time of year is also hard on me because my son's birthday is the 31st and then too shortly after is his death date in February. So instead of the new year being promising and hopeful and turning a new leaf, it's been really difficult to feel anything but grief until that day passes in February. I guess when I'm really down I try and find something fun to do with my boys and make.a positive memory with them. I know this might not be really helpful for you but I just want you to know you're not alone
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by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 6:30 PM

Thank you for your reply, and I am sorry for your loss.  I understand what you mean about the beginning of the year being hard... my son would have been 6 on 12/12 and my first baby would have been 7 in January. Then come the Angel dates in March & April.... its just not a good way to start the New Year.  :(

I hate this, I wish I could "snap out of it" and "move on" with my life... but I am just stuck.  I have no living children after all these years and I just turned 36.  I feel like my time is running out so fast, and I am terrified to TTC again, plus I'd have to lose a whole lot of weight first.... but my depression keeps me eating.  :'(

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 6:54 PM
((Hugs)) to you! I lost my only son in 2007 as well and I Still get those emotional days. I just kinda try to focus on something positive. Its hard but I try.
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 6:56 PM
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Thank you, and I am sorry for your loss. :(

by Desiree-admin on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:10 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses.  Have your doctors ran tests on you and checked all your levels?  Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help?  Especially with your dark thoughts it would be good to have someone to talk to and help.  Also have you thought about anti-depressants?  I don't really like meds but having a history of depression I take anti-depressants when I know I really need the help and it does help me feel better.  And I take them temporarily like 6 months to a year.

by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:17 PM

I'm so sorry. I've had difficulties with the holidays before when it comes to ttc/miscarriage, but for different reasons. So I can't relate to everything you're feeling, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hugs!

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:42 PM

Thanks ladies.  Honestly, I've been on SO many anti-depressants.... they don't work.  I take a med for anxiety and that helps a little.  I've had genetic testing (Hubby and I) and genetically, we have a perfect genetic make up for "breeding".  lol  It was through the testing (collecting all my son's remains.... a whole new set of trauma let me tell you ) that we discovered he was a boy.  They found nothing wrong with him, but suspect its because I am A- so I have RH factor (but received the Rho-Gam both times) and also its very likely my progesterone was too low, due to PCOS.   I've had lots of tests... oh so painful and embarrassing tests and inside... I am "healthy".  Hubby's sperm count was tested and the doctor told him to "stay away from his nurses" because it was in his words "crazy high and healthy" ..... so its not him.  Its me.... :(

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 11:04 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss. THinking of you. This group is very supportive and always here when you need to talk or vent or just check in. When I first lost my son I started a couple new hobbies to keep myself busy. Also have you tried talking with a counselor? 

by on Dec. 18, 2013 at 8:09 AM
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I don't.  I still feel pain, but overall, I'm at peace with my babies deaths.  I don't know why, but I trust in God, and the journey.  I know that God has good things for me.  For me, it helps me to "pay it forward" and help others in my babies names.  That's what I do. 

Adoption is so expensive, it is :(  Have you ever looked into "foster-adoption?"  We have several friends that have adopted their children that way.  It's essentially free. 

by on Dec. 18, 2013 at 3:04 PM

I am so sorry for your losses...  I've said a prayer for you.  ((Hugs))  

As Angela mentioned, adoption through foster care is a relatively inexpensive way to bring a child into your home.  Here is a link to a website that you might be interested in checking out sometime:  iCareAboutOrphans

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