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Staying afloat.

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 11:44 PM
  • 8 Replies

I'm not ready to tell my whole story. It's too new, and while I've miscarried once before (and another time when I was young, and stupid, and possibly lucky), this was a completely different experience. It was - is - traumatic & painful. But I am in desperate need of companionship and support. I've found it hard to fit into online communities but this time, the certain amount of distance is working for me. You can encourage me to seek counselling, but at this time, I won't, so if possible, I just want to be here, with others who are hurt & healing. I need to vent my pain and frustration. My anger and hurt. My guilt and my extremely painful love. 

On Christmas Eve, I lost my very planned baby. And I was so sure, after 2.5 years and this being our very last ditch effort, that this was it. But I was wrong. And then I had to wake up on Christmas Day and force myself to go from one of my lowest of lows, to a high I didn't feel. All because I love my 3 year old boy more than anything and I couldn't deprive him of perfect memories on the first Christmas he's actually begun to have an understanding of. Going to bed is the hardest part of the day, I rarely sleep. And the days are dragging agonizingly slow. While the pain is fresh and new, I feel like every hour spans days. I keep going for my boy, and I even smile. I've gotten back to my routines. Everyone is so impressed with my coping. And everyone is so convinced by it, too. Hell, even I'm pretty convinced of my "recovery". But then again, I feel fake and contrived. ... And that's about all I've got in me tonight. 

by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 11:44 PM
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Replies (1-8):
blessedmommie07
by Desiree-admin on Dec. 31, 2013 at 12:18 AM

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes people can't see how torn up we are inside because we don't show it or they pretend they don't see. I go to a local support group and it's great for me to hear and share my story with women in person that understand when I cry or vent and can see through my words. 

cali_angel_girl
by Amy on Dec. 31, 2013 at 1:38 AM

((hugs)) I am so sorry for your losses hun.  My situation was pretty similar to yours because at the time of my loss I had already had my daughter so I pretty much had to put on a smile and keep going on day by day for her but inside my heart was breaking into a million pieces.  Eventually I got to the point were I couldn't pretend anymore and I started opening up to my husband and family about how I was feeling and it helped so much.  We've all been in your shoes hun and are here for you when you want to talk and to help you with the healing process.

Abz626
by Abby on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:59 PM
I am so sorry for your loss and pain! This is such a wonderful place to be because like other people say "oh we understand your pain," we here actually do. Your pain and sorrow is absolutely normal and I wish there was a way to take it all away. Since my miscarriage that's all I've been wishing, for the pain and sadness to stop. I know with time and being surrounded with people you love including your little boy, you will heal. Stay strong (as hard as that is) and don't always hide your feelings, find someone who will listen at anytime or just come on here! {{{hugs}}} to you!
mylilprincesses
by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:13 PM
((Hugs)) to you!
MissMiranda
by Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:56 PM

I have no words for you, but it always helps me to know that I'm being heard! So, I wanted to let you know that I am here and I read your post!

Love and condolences to you and your family.

Lauradh13
by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 11:47 PM

Thank you so much. I definitely spend a lot of my day just wishing for this to all go away, although for the time being, I've found my ways of dealing. I sure the time will come when this is all too much, but for now I'm just focused on getting through hour to hour. And a lot of the smiles are actually real, so I am thankful for that. Also, I very much agree - I just want someone to listen and while my family (my parents have been staying with us since before this happened - I am going to miss them so much when they leave Thursday) and husband have been seriously amazing, I feel like a burden. They miss me being me which puts pressure on me to be that... They don't mean to be putting anything on me, so I can't hold it against them. They all listen and try to understand but a lot of times I'm literally screaming in my head "STOP. STOP PRETENDING. Stop acting like you get it and giving me these looks of pity and sympathy.". I am literally angry at them for no reason other than that they haven't experienced any of this. So to really really know that the people I'm confiding in really get it, and not having to feel like I'm reacting the wrong way, is almost like a weight off my shoulders. I'm sick of feeling angry, or guilty, or frustrated, or even happy... And then wondering if that was the right feeling at the right time. But anyway, again thank you so much. It breaks my heart that there's so many that have to experience this pain... It's a pain like no other. But I am comforted in not having to deal with it alone - thank goodness for the Internet ha!     Here's wishing everyone a really great 2014. I don't think I've ever been happier to see a year go.... (That's saying a lot, seeing as we also got married this year)

blessedmommie07
by Desiree-admin on Jan. 1, 2014 at 12:06 AM

I'm glad you have a supportive husband and family. You'll never be you before the miscarriage. You've changed forever. But you will find a new normal. 

Quoting Lauradh13:

Thank you so much. I definitely spend a lot of my day just wishing for this to all go away, although for the time being, I've found my ways of dealing. I sure the time will come when this is all too much, but for now I'm just focused on getting through hour to hour. And a lot of the smiles are actually real, so I am thankful for that. Also, I very much agree - I just want someone to listen and while my family (my parents have been staying with us since before this happened - I am going to miss them so much when they leave Thursday) and husband have been seriously amazing, I feel like a burden. They miss me being me which puts pressure on me to be that... They don't mean to be putting anything on me, so I can't hold it against them. They all listen and try to understand but a lot of times I'm literally screaming in my head "STOP. STOP PRETENDING. Stop acting like you get it and giving me these looks of pity and sympathy.". I am literally angry at them for no reason other than that they haven't experienced any of this. So to really really know that the people I'm confiding in really get it, and not having to feel like I'm reacting the wrong way, is almost like a weight off my shoulders. I'm sick of feeling angry, or guilty, or frustrated, or even happy... And then wondering if that was the right feeling at the right time. But anyway, again thank you so much. It breaks my heart that there's so many that have to experience this pain... It's a pain like no other. But I am comforted in not having to deal with it alone - thank goodness for the Internet ha!     Here's wishing everyone a really great 2014. I don't think I've ever been happier to see a year go.... (That's saying a lot, seeing as we also got married this year)


Angela4boys
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:43 AM
You are in the perfect place, this group is so supportive, and you will definitely fit in, so don't worry about that a second!

I am so sorry for your loss! Last year on Christmas morning, I woke up to the start of my second loss...like you, I put on a happy face, and went on with Christmas Festivities...not to ruin anyone else's time. So I can completely understand you there.

Just know that while you are coping, it's completely normal for you to grieve this loss too. It's normal to have delayed reaction and break down later (that's what happened to me, a month after)....and know we are here for you through the whole thing!
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