Miscarriage at 18 weeks, had a d&c this morning. Can't stop crying.
Hi ladies, so relieved to find a place to talk and hear from my miscarriage sisters.
I had what seemed to be a totally normal pregnancy. Had as much morning sickness and boob pain as my other two healthy happy pregnancies. I had a transvaginal us at 9 weeks, fabulous heartbeat. My tummy grew. I announced on Facebook. My family and husbands family were absolutely exstatic.
Last week I was at target and I ran into a friend. She asked how far along I was, when I told her 17 weeks she looked at me and said I didn't look that far along. I was still in my regular jeans. She asked if everything was ok, since I barely looked pregnant. I didn't think anything of it and felt lucky to not be gaining much weight.
The whole time I feel like I never connected with him/her the way I did with my two children. Did I not have a loving place for them? Did they decide I wasn't happy enough? Or connected enough? Did I somehow know instinctively that this baby was not meant to be?
Yesterday morning I went for my regular appointment with both kids 6,3. The day before I sat at my computer and felt baby movement over and over in the same place and across my belly. This must have been in my mind. Am I crazy? At my appt My midwife listened with the Doppler, couldn't find a heartbeat. Meanwhile, I was buttering her up to take a peek at the gender super quickly. She wanted to send me for an US but that she wasn't worried.
Ultrasound tech said nothing, looking sadly at the screen. Kids and husband still in the room, begging to know the gender. I knew then for sure. I saw a flicker in the chest, I now have no idea what that was. Baby was not moving.
We went back to the midwife office. She came in and hugged me, fetal demise. I've been told most likely a chromosomal abnormality, even tho he or she looked small but perfect. It measured 14 weeks, it had been dead for almost a month. What on earth was that movement???
Despite being terrified, I had the d&c this morning at the hospital which was way easier and pain free than I thought it would be. Thanks universe.
With the physical part out of the way, I am left with emotions I have never had before. I have never lost anyone close. I don't know grief. Until now. I feel guilty. I am 36, advanced maternal age. I didn't take folic acid before I found out I was pregnant, I had a glass of wine very rarely, but mostly I only thought about how inconvenient this pregnancy was. I never laid in bed alone in the quiet and welcomed this baby with love. I am so sorry baby.
I don't know if now the crying is from the extreme drop in hormones? Is it this loss? Guilt? I don't want to be a crying, grieving mess for months or years. How to I avoid that? How do I deal with this so that I can take good care of my little ones without being a wreck of a person. How do I quickly make peace with this?
I so wanted to kiss that baby all over their face tummy and toes. To smell that baby smell.