Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Miscarriage at 18 weeks, had a d&c this morning. Can't stop crying.

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:00 AM
  • 17 Replies

Hi ladies, so relieved to find a place to talk and hear from my miscarriage sisters.

I had what seemed to be a totally normal pregnancy. Had as much morning sickness and boob pain as my other two healthy happy pregnancies. I had a transvaginal us at 9 weeks, fabulous heartbeat. My tummy grew. I announced on Facebook. My family and husbands family were absolutely exstatic.  

Last week I was at target and I ran into a friend. She asked how far along I was, when I told her 17 weeks she looked at me and said I didn't look that far along. I was still in my regular jeans. She asked if everything was ok, since I barely looked pregnant. I didn't think anything of it and felt lucky to not be gaining much weight.

The whole time I feel like I never connected with him/her the way I did with my two children. Did I not have a loving place for them? Did they decide I wasn't happy enough? Or connected enough? Did I somehow know instinctively that this baby was not meant to be?

Yesterday morning I went for my regular appointment with both kids 6,3. The day before I sat at my computer and felt baby movement over and over in the same place and across my belly. This must have been in my mind. Am I crazy? At my appt My midwife listened with the Doppler, couldn't find a heartbeat. Meanwhile, I was buttering her up to take a peek at the gender super quickly. She wanted to send me for an US but that she wasn't worried.

Ultrasound tech said nothing, looking sadly at the screen. Kids and husband still in the room, begging to know the gender. I knew then for sure. I saw a flicker in the chest, I now have no idea what that was.  Baby was not moving.

We went back to the midwife office. She came in and hugged me, fetal demise. I've been told most likely a chromosomal abnormality, even tho he or she looked small but perfect. It measured 14 weeks, it had been dead for almost a month. What on earth was that movement???

Despite being terrified, I had the d&c this morning at the hospital which was way easier and pain free than I thought it would be. Thanks universe.

With the physical part out of the way, I am left with emotions I have never had before. I have never lost anyone close. I don't know grief. Until now. I feel guilty. I am 36, advanced maternal age. I didn't take folic acid before I found out I was pregnant, I had a glass of wine very rarely, but mostly I only thought about how inconvenient this pregnancy was. I never laid in bed alone in the quiet and welcomed this baby with love. I am so sorry baby.

I don't know if now the crying is from the extreme drop in hormones? Is it this loss? Guilt? I don't want to be a crying, grieving mess for months or years. How to I avoid that? How do I deal with this so that I can take good care of my little ones without being a wreck of a person. How do I quickly make peace with this? 

I so wanted to kiss that baby all over their face tummy and toes. To smell that baby smell.

by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:00 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:03 AM
So very sorry for your loss
by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:09 AM

Did I post this in the wrong place? 

by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:21 AM
I am 36, I had my miscarriage at 18 weeks, my little boy stopped developing around 13.5weeks. I just wanted to say hugs. That you are not alone. Our story, yours and mine at 18wks isn't the one you usually hear. I felt so alone, I never expected to lose my baby so far in. Just grieve, let yourself grieve. Talk about your baby, she was real.
by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 7:41 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss! I recently lost my second baby and my second Fallopian tube and my only hope now is IVF.... :( Its such a terrible thing to happen to someone. Don't feel as if its your fault in any way, its not. Crying is normal, let it all out. It's perfectly normal to be grieving over the loss of a baby you wanted so bad.
by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:40 PM

 I am so sorry for your loss, hun. Sadly there is no time limit or quickness about it.. you can be at any stage of grief at any point and feel like you're making progress only to fall 2 steps behind. If you feel like you cannot deal on your own then by all means seek professional help. This is an unbelievably hurtful thing to go through and it's understandable if you need additional help. The girls in here are great and have gotten me through a lot! Take one day at a time and do whatever you think you need to do to grieve the little one-- I personally found writing her letters helped me get it all out and onto paper instead of inside my head. Have a small memorial service where you release balloons.

You are stronger than you know 

by Lisa on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:57 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. My last loss was at 19 weeks - a little boy. We had watched him bounce across the u/s screen just 2 weeks before. And yet, there I sat, just 2 weeks later being told he had died. What you are feeling now is normal I would say. I experienced many of the same emotions. I felt guilt. I felt anger. I felt extreme grief. What helped me the most was having people to talk to - like this group. I also had an old friend who reached out to me, as she had gone through the exact same thing a few years back. Being able to talk through my feeling was incredibly healing. The other thing that helped was prayer. I'm a Christian, and I asked for two things from God - to not be bitter and angry, and to somehow find peace through the heartache. My prayers were answered. It took me a good month before I started feeling a little more normal, and even after that, there were set backs. Take your time to grieve, and feel what you feel. It's very fresh and raw right now, but as they weeks go by, you'll figure out how to move forward. Know that none of this is your fault - None if it. Sending you big hugs.
by Stacey on Jun. 19, 2014 at 3:59 PM

Im so sorry for ur loss. My baby was 14w3d when he/she died, I didnt have to wait to find out though; my kids and I would listen on my home doppler. It is the worst pain Ive ever had to experience. There is no quick way through the pain or I would of found it. I used xanax, pot and alcohol and had no luck. I gave up the church that i loved stopped reading my bible and praying for 3mo. At 3mo I was tired of everything! I had to let it go; my baby is in heaven and someday I will hold and cuddle him/her and it will be awesome!!! Right now I know my angel is more than happy to have me let that grief go and care for his/her 2 brothers that came b4. It will take time but it will be ur own time, might be weeks, months I hope not yrs, but time really is the best thing and knowing what feels like wrong feelings at time, is not. Let it out. This is a great group of ladies that have felt it all, and help you make sense of whats going on.

Our angel was born to heaven on 1/10/2014 at 14wks 3days.

by Amy on Jun. 19, 2014 at 7:04 PM

((hugs)) I am so sorry for your loss hun.  Everything your feeling is pretty normal because I went through a lot of the same emotions after I had my loss and unfortunately there is no way to speed up the grieving process you just have to give it some time.

by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 10:12 PM
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Grieving is so hard and so very confusing. We all understand your pain. We are here for you. Hugs and prayers.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 11:37 PM

sadly you have found the right place to post. we have all been there, varying weeks along, but we all know that feeling of loss. Grieving sucks and we all do it differently. So very sorry for your loss and we are all here for you. If you want to vent, question your feelings, talk about them we will listen and send hugs and prayers for comfort. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)