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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support

The First Crib We Buy.....

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 11:49 AM
  • 29 Replies

As most of you are aware we're coming up on the tail end of my soon to be BIL's baby mamma drama/delivery.
Can't wait for this to be over.

http://www.cafemom.com/group/110162/forums/read/19992779/DF_Excited_for_Their_Baby_to_Arrive?last#

Well fathers day was the other day and she's always unavoidable at family events and I find those to be the most uncomfortable/miserable things to have to sit through.
At some point she just "had" to prove everyone wrong by bouncing on a trampoline 8 months pregnant and in a flowy dress with no underwear.. if this tells you anything about what I'm dealing with.

Ontop of that Nanna offered my DF and I the leftover chicken to take home and we graciously accepted when all of a sudden BM say's she'll take some chicken. Nanna explains there's only 3 pieces and she was going to give it to DF and myself and BM continues to go on about this damn chicken to the point where Nanna is uncomfortable and my DF says "just give her the chicken". Never in my life would I so rudely throw myself into something being offered to someone else.

As if all this wasn't bad enough DF mentions babysitting again. In passing he suggested we go crib shopping and get a crib for when we babysit

.......................

I'M SORRY BUT THE FIRST CRIB WE PURCHASE TOGETHER WILL BE FOR OUR OWN D**N KIDS NOT SOMEBODY ELSES!
(and they make portable play pens for that!)


Would you go crib shopping for someone elses kid!?


by on Jun. 19, 2014 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Irene1923
by Tina on Jun. 19, 2014 at 11:58 AM
1 mom liked this
Ugh...sorry you have to deal with that. *Hugs* But no, there would be no way the first crib DH and I bought together would have been for someone else's baby (barring a few weird situations). Certainly not in your case. It would really hurt to have to do that. I would just tell him how you feel...it isn't right that you have to be hurting even more because of this.
chicaespana2003
by Steph on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:13 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't want to buy a crib to be use primarily for another persons kid. A big N O !

I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable it had to have been with her behavior and... er... um... lack of decency- I always wore undergarments my entire pregnancy- expect for maybe at night (oh an at the hospital...)

I agree that you need to pull dh off to the side and explain that you still have some very raw issues with babysitting, and that you are not comfortable yet with the idea. I understand that he is a guy, and he is probably going to say something like "I don't understand why you still feel this way, it has been (insert time duration), shouldn't you be over this? Maybe you need to see someone about this, because this can't be healthy."

PLEASE understand that he might say that- and I KNOW how irritating, irking, wrath provoking it is. You DH will never understand exactly how things affect you, but he does need to understand that you still hurt, and while you do wish to have a child of your own, his offering to watch someone elses child may not heal the hurt you have.

FutureCooper118
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:25 PM

 Exactly. Not to mention those things are expensive! We honestly haven't even stepped foot in a baby store to get them anything since we conveniently had a wedding the weekend of the baby shower. I honestly have no desire to purchase a baby gift of any kind. Not to mention they're about to move in to my soon to be MIL's so they'll be set on a babysitter for awhile (secretly a blessing for me haha I'm sure MIL isn't too thrilled)

Quoting Irene1923: Ugh...sorry you have to deal with that. *Hugs* But no, there would be no way the first crib DH and I bought together would have been for someone else's baby (barring a few weird situations). Certainly not in your case. It would really hurt to have to do that. I would just tell him how you feel...it isn't right that you have to be hurting even more because of this.

 

FutureCooper118
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:31 PM

She's very immature and lacks class, clearly haha. I'm sure a dress is fine especially with it being so hot but don't go jumping on a trampoline 8 months pregnant and looking for attention.

DF is wonderful about it- he really is. He would strike up a private conversation with me if MIL and Nanna started on about the baby which I greatly appreciated. And in any other circumstance we'd both be thrilled to be welcoming a little niece or nephew but it's less than ideal and no one gets along great with BM so it's all really unfortunate. 

I'm sure he'll never "fully" understand.. especially since it's been 3 years and was with my previous SO but he was with me through it all and knows it's touchy. He's also new to the whole baby thing and wasn't aware not every person needs a crib in their house when ONE family member is pregnant haha. I did blow up at him a bit like WTF MAN!? But once I explained it he understood a little better.

And I am starting to get to the point where I do think I need outside help. 3 years and this is the closest pregnancy I've had to me and my feelings towards it are definitely starting to effect me physically not just mentally anymore.  

Quoting chicaespana2003:

I wouldn't want to buy a crib to be use primarily for another persons kid. A big N O !

I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable it had to have been with her behavior and... er... um... lack of decency- I always wore undergarments my entire pregnancy- expect for maybe at night (oh an at the hospital...)

I agree that you need to pull dh off to the side and explain that you still have some very raw issues with babysitting, and that you are not comfortable yet with the idea. I understand that he is a guy, and he is probably going to say something like "I don't understand why you still feel this way, it has been (insert time duration), shouldn't you be over this? Maybe you need to see someone about this, because this can't be healthy."

PLEASE understand that he might say that- and I KNOW how irritating, irking, wrath provoking it is. You DH will never understand exactly how things affect you, but he does need to understand that you still hurt, and while you do wish to have a child of your own, his offering to watch someone elses child may not heal the hurt you have.

 

chicaespana2003
by Steph on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:40 PM

If you decide that you need help, do it on your own. Please do not feel that you have to be pushed to get help. I still grieve the loss of my maternal grandmother. She passed away christmas eve 1999- and that has been some time, but normally it is harder during the season (and especially when singing silent night).

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

I (okay we, dh included) have little goals which have made pregnant women/newborns a lot easier on myself. I also find that I am happier for loss mammas who are expecing. Then since my sil is expecting, I'm happy for her because I get to start trying this year (and this is her first pregnancy so she is looking for all the advice she can get). I was less receptive to my neighbors pregnancy, and I often feel scorned because it isn't me.

Quoting FutureCooper118:

She's very immature and lacks class, clearly haha. I'm sure a dress is fine especially with it being so hot but don't go jumping on a trampoline 8 months pregnant and looking for attention. DF is wonderful about it- he really is. He would strike up a private conversation with me if MIL and Nanna started on about the baby which I greatly appreciated. And in any other circumstance we'd both be thrilled to be welcoming a little niece or nephew but it's less than ideal and no one gets along great with BM so it's all really unfortunate. I'm sure he'll never "fully" understand.. especially since it's been 3 years and was with my previous SO but he was with me through it all and knows it's touchy. He's also new to the whole baby thing and wasn't aware not every person needs a crib in their house when ONE family member is pregnant haha. I did blow up at him a bit like WTF MAN!? But once I explained it he understood a little better.And I am starting to get to the point where I do think I need outside help. 3 years and this is the closest pregnancy I've had to me and my feelings towards it are definitely starting to effect me physically not just mentally anymore.  

Quoting chicaespana2003:

I wouldn't want to buy a crib to be use primarily for another persons kid. A big N O !

I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable it had to have been with her behavior and... er... um... lack of decency- I always wore undergarments my entire pregnancy- expect for maybe at night (oh an at the hospital...)

I agree that you need to pull dh off to the side and explain that you still have some very raw issues with babysitting, and that you are not comfortable yet with the idea. I understand that he is a guy, and he is probably going to say something like "I don't understand why you still feel this way, it has been (insert time duration), shouldn't you be over this? Maybe you need to see someone about this, because this can't be healthy."

PLEASE understand that he might say that- and I KNOW how irritating, irking, wrath provoking it is. You DH will never understand exactly how things affect you, but he does need to understand that you still hurt, and while you do wish to have a child of your own, his offering to watch someone elses child may not heal the hurt you have.

 


FutureCooper118
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:48 PM

 What kind of goals? Do they help?

I love rainbow babies!! Those make me the happiest!

Quoting chicaespana2003:

If you decide that you need help, do it on your own. Please do not feel that you have to be pushed to get help. I still grieve the loss of my maternal grandmother. She passed away christmas eve 1999- and that has been some time, but normally it is harder during the season (and especially when singing silent night).

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

I (okay we, dh included) have little goals which have made pregnant women/newborns a lot easier on myself. I also find that I am happier for loss mammas who are expecing. Then since my sil is expecting, I'm happy for her because I get to start trying this year (and this is her first pregnancy so she is looking for all the advice she can get). I was less receptive to my neighbors pregnancy, and I often feel scorned because it isn't me.

Quoting FutureCooper118:

She's very immature and lacks class, clearly haha. I'm sure a dress is fine especially with it being so hot but don't go jumping on a trampoline 8 months pregnant and looking for attention. DF is wonderful about it- he really is. He would strike up a private conversation with me if MIL and Nanna started on about the baby which I greatly appreciated. And in any other circumstance we'd both be thrilled to be welcoming a little niece or nephew but it's less than ideal and no one gets along great with BM so it's all really unfortunate. I'm sure he'll never "fully" understand.. especially since it's been 3 years and was with my previous SO but he was with me through it all and knows it's touchy. He's also new to the whole baby thing and wasn't aware not every person needs a crib in their house when ONE family member is pregnant haha. I did blow up at him a bit like WTF MAN!? But once I explained it he understood a little better.And I am starting to get to the point where I do think I need outside help. 3 years and this is the closest pregnancy I've had to me and my feelings towards it are definitely starting to effect me physically not just mentally anymore.  

Quoting chicaespana2003:

I wouldn't want to buy a crib to be use primarily for another persons kid. A big N O !

I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable it had to have been with her behavior and... er... um... lack of decency- I always wore undergarments my entire pregnancy- expect for maybe at night (oh an at the hospital...)

I agree that you need to pull dh off to the side and explain that you still have some very raw issues with babysitting, and that you are not comfortable yet with the idea. I understand that he is a guy, and he is probably going to say something like "I don't understand why you still feel this way, it has been (insert time duration), shouldn't you be over this? Maybe you need to see someone about this, because this can't be healthy."

PLEASE understand that he might say that- and I KNOW how irritating, irking, wrath provoking it is. You DH will never understand exactly how things affect you, but he does need to understand that you still hurt, and while you do wish to have a child of your own, his offering to watch someone elses child may not heal the hurt you have.

 

 

Irene1923
by Tina on Jun. 19, 2014 at 12:56 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't blame you...it was hard enough buying a baby gift for my SIL (whom I like) when her DD was born - she got pregnant three weeks after my loss - but to shop for someone like her would be really hard. Maybe just have your DF pick up an outfit. I know he is excited but he also needs to respect the fact that it is very painful for you to look at or buy baby items. I cried when we did buy an outfit because I wanted to be buying for my daughter, not my niece (even though I love her and was excited about her). Hopefully having a built-in sitter with the MIL will make you DF back off pushing babysitting so much.
FutureCooper118
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:02 PM

 Exactly. I'm struggling with the be happy thing... did you love your little niece immediately or did she grow on you? It baffles me. I feel like I was more excited for other friends than for my own soon to be niece and it riddles me with guilt. I keep reminding myself that she didn't choose her Mom or bad timing but I don't plan on being there around the birth or following. I'll basically see them if I have no choice. His Mom even said she saw a Fox themed nursery set that made her think of me (since I love foxes) and all I could say was "well keep that in the back of your mind when the time comes". SMH but who says these things!?

Quoting Irene1923: I don't blame you...it was hard enough buying a baby gift for my SIL (whom I like) when her DD was born - she got pregnant three weeks after my loss - but to shop for someone like her would be really hard. Maybe just have your DF pick up an outfit. I know he is excited but he also needs to respect the fact that it is very painful for you to look at or buy baby items. I cried when we did buy an outfit because I wanted to be buying for my daughter, not my niece (even though I love her and was excited about her). Hopefully having a built-in sitter with the MIL will make you DF back off pushing babysitting so much.

 

MuddyHuggies
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this
No I wouldn't buy a crib for anyone but my kids. I'm a strong believer in the parent providing the things a child would need at the baby sitters. Now I understand not everyone feels like I do but I always bought the things my child needed for the baby sitter. I felt it was my responsibility. I have helped out family members only to be hurt in the end. So I stay to myself now. Oh and my youngest sister acts just like the female you described. I can't say lady as that is not how a lady acts. Sorry I'm old school about certain things.
FutureCooper118
by Member on Jun. 19, 2014 at 1:21 PM

I guess that makes me old school too-- I agree with everything you said. Basic things should be provided by the expecting parents. I think DF is just so out of the loop on babies and how things are done he honestly thought every person should purchase a crib. PACK N PLAY! He understands now I hope and will not be pushing further on the crib buying issue. And gosh.. I don't know how someone like her exists in the world and survived this long. I am sorry you have to deal with someone similar. 

Quoting MuddyHuggies: No I wouldn't buy a crib for anyone but my kids. I'm a strong believer in the parent providing the things a child would need at the baby sitters. Now I understand not everyone feels like I do but I always bought the things my child needed for the baby sitter. I felt it was my responsibility. I have helped out family members only to be hurt in the end. So I stay to myself now. Oh and my youngest sister acts just like the female you described. I can't say lady as that is not how a lady acts. Sorry I'm old school about certain things.

 

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